Jul 18, 2008
there was nothing left except panic, id had speed , alcohol was working full time drinking full time, panic stricken, paranoid, searching for reasons my girfriend was cheating on me. Id come home pissed and call her names, i ended up rolling of the floor crying my eyes out, by this time she couldnt give a **** about me, i treated her so bad she was cold and didnt give a ****, i injected 100 of units of insulin and started to cut myself so i could feel something other than the complete worthlessness that had consumed me, i had nothing to sedate me, its kinda foggy but she called an ambulance and they came and picked me up, once in hospital i felt so much better i had people racing around caring for me and i calmed down like nothing had happened, they would not let her in to see me, said it would make me worse, i remember them letting me out to have a smoke and i saw her and her mother sitting in the waiting room i held my head down, but could not understand why i couldnt just go home, i mean i felt normal and fine, why couldnt i just go home with her and watch tv. Oh how wrong i was, i was emitted to the psychiatric ward and filled with valium and temazepam, for three days, i tried to call my girlfriend but she turned her phone off, her mother told me to leave her the **** alone, i had no one, my own mother went on a holiday upon hearing i was in the hospital. I spent three days in there doped up. when i finally got out of there i got home my house was locked i had to break in, so i thought **** this and went and drank untill i could not feel anything of the lonelyness that had already caused me to try and kill myself in the first place. I bought a phone in a desperate attempt to try and contact the one i loved who wanted nothing to do with me, i finally got back home and broke in to my own appartment, and everything had gone she took the bed and everything we shared, it was so cold i had to lie on the floor without a blanket pissed and still feeling desperate, i wanted to die i thought there would be SOMEONE there when i got out but there was nothing not even a blanket to keep me warm. i passed out and woke to three police men waking me up. the girl next door heard me break in and heard me crashing around and she knew i was suicidal and thought cause i had nothing knowone that i was sure to pull off my suicide , and she called the police to come and check on me, i didnt know what to say to them, ive never been so ******* alone in my entire life. There was nothing for me NOONE, all i had was money in the bank , bought morphine drank alcohol did anything to keep me from killing myself, i was drink full bottles of whiskey and eating 20 valium at a time, i could not handle the way i felt and the lonelyness, what ever numbed me i took, i didnt care if i died, i didnt want to die i just wanted to not feel this way anymore.