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blue october

Jul 22, 2008 - 11 comments

THANKS THANKS THANKS im in love with blue october i can listen to anything else, i think the guy had been watching me or some ****, i just love HATE ME, then there schizophrenia and x amount of words and breakfast after 10 and ........ i have their vidoes all over my myyearbook.com site man they are ******* great!!!

lea day

Jul 20, 2008 - 4 comments

its not ******* fair, it's a nightmare, she died at **** not even 12 years of age, what a beautiful girl, i think about her almost every day for over thirty years, so beautiful so brave, she used to get me into the shelter sheds at school and ask me to kiss her, i once walked ( at age 11 ) a kilometer or so in the rain just to view her house from a distance. Cancer took her life away, what a beautiful girl she was, she would be married by now have kids of her own, she has missed out on so much, i almost feel ashamed, then again i have lived REALLY lived , everything so much fun that i know she never even had the chance to experience. Why would that happen.People want GOD in their world to they think something there loves them, i cant come at it, if there is a GOD he certainly hates us all. Why take that girls life so ******* early, she thought i was wonderful, i just hope that the ****** way she was taken, that her short life was worth it, she wore a wig to school, and she showed me once with out it on, and i just thought she was so pretty, it breaks my ******* heart when i think about her. WHy would you be born just to experience care from me, and then just be taken away. I move between being so angry to crying like i am now. WHOLLY **** its been 20+ years and it the news of her death is just like yesterday, its effected me more over the years as i grew into an adult. I cant even begin to imagine the pain her parents went through when she died, i guess they either went life is fragile enjoy it NOW, or they just ******* died inside. Ahhh the pain in my heart for her
, ive lived i could die now, ive really ******* lived. She never had a chance, never had a chance .......

suicide

Jul 18, 2008 - 14 comments

i have thoughts of killing myself, like taking alot of alcohol and valium and heroin.At the same time i can feel really happy, im a little confused, ive tried before, but i dont even drop. let alone die.

pych ward

Jul 18, 2008 - 4 comments

there was nothing left except panic, id had speed , alcohol was working full time drinking full time, panic stricken, paranoid, searching for reasons my girfriend was cheating on me. Id come home pissed and call her names, i ended up rolling of the floor crying my eyes out, by this time she couldnt give a **** about me, i treated her so bad she was cold and didnt give a ****, i injected 100 of units of insulin and started to cut myself so i could feel something other than the complete worthlessness that had consumed me, i had nothing to sedate me, its kinda foggy but she called  an ambulance and they came and picked me up, once in hospital i felt so much better i had people racing around caring for me and i calmed down like nothing had happened, they would not let her in to see me, said it would make me worse, i remember them letting me out to have a smoke and i saw her and her mother sitting in the waiting room i held my head down, but could not understand why i couldnt just go home, i mean i felt normal and fine, why couldnt i just go home with her and watch tv. Oh how wrong i was, i was emitted to the psychiatric ward and filled with valium and temazepam, for three days, i tried to call my girlfriend but she turned her phone off, her mother told me to leave her the **** alone, i had no one, my own mother went on a holiday upon hearing i was in the hospital. I spent three days in there doped up. when  i finally got out of there i got home my house was locked i had to break in, so i thought **** this and went and drank untill i could not feel anything of the lonelyness that had already caused me to try and kill myself in the first place. I bought a phone in a desperate attempt to try and contact the one i loved who wanted nothing to do with me, i finally got back home and broke in to my own appartment, and everything had gone she took the bed and everything we shared, it was so cold i had to lie on the floor without a blanket pissed and still feeling desperate, i wanted to die i thought there would be SOMEONE there when i got out but there was nothing not even a blanket to keep me warm. i passed out and woke to three police men waking me up. the girl next door heard me break in and heard me crashing around and she knew i was suicidal and thought cause i had nothing knowone that i was sure to pull off my suicide , and she called the police to come and check on me, i didnt know what to say to them, ive never been so ******* alone in my entire life. There was nothing for me NOONE, all i had was money in the bank , bought morphine drank alcohol did anything to keep me from killing myself, i was drink full bottles of whiskey and eating 20 valium at a time, i could not handle the way i felt and the lonelyness, what ever numbed me i took, i didnt care if i died, i didnt want to die i just wanted to not feel this way anymore.