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Ran today, Yay!

Apr 10, 2012 - 0 comments

Decent workday 'cept of course boss gives me a stomach ache right off the bat, but no yelling.  She just pushes my buttons because she's so afraid of everything.  I'm just going to have to limit the actual number of words I say to her.  They just invite her to say more stuff that stresses me out.  I said I would do this last week - now I need to do it.
Otherwise, did a walk/run at the lake after work even though I was tired. It was really pretty and I was able to run farther.  Afterwards I stopped at the grocercy store and a local tv news crew asked for an interview about gas prices an dI decided to go for it even though I'm really scared about my co-workers seeing me. (they're not very nice).  Tonight I said "what the h....!"
After I did the interview, when I was in the store, I started to regret almost everything I said.  I was afraid I'd sound so stupid.
But I didn't see it on the 9 pm news and I didn't watch the 10 pm so I don't know if it aired.
Honestly I'm not totally sure which station it was!
If it did air I'll probably hear about it tomorrow.

Bad:  I'm going to bed way late again tonight.  I want to will myself to wake up early so I can finish the stuff I've put off - like wrapping a b-day gift.  Work makes me so tired - I skipped chores tonight to watch my fav TV shows.  I don't have it together.

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Walk/Run Yay!

Apr 08, 2012 - 0 comments

Got up around noon on a beautiful day.  It took me about 3 hours, but I finally got out of the house and took a walk with some running around Campus Lake.  Highlight:  I ran (past) a P.E. teacher from work while I was jogging and I felt so cool.  I think I looked the other joggers - confident and healthy.  Who knows.  She was walking when I passed her.  Why wasn't she at home on Easter?  Did she move to town? She told me she was taking antidepressants, was she down and just walking?
Also, text-invited MikeD to meet me in town, but he just invited me to his place which is a no-go.  J. says he's a "destabilizing influence."  Guess I just wanted a cheerleader. Also he and Jim are both people I can be my real self with.  I don't really have to hide anything from them, particulary mental illness-wise and screwed up childhood-wise.  I'm in the closet everywhere else (esp bad at work) and it's starting to really, really, really make me feel bad. I've got to get into something new and related to my BP, at least.  Just so damn tired all the time.
But good day overall to go running and I just downloaded a bunch of new relaxation tapes, or whatever you call them.
Triggers:  This weekend is Passover and Easter which reminds me of the day when I was 13 and my B-day, Passover and Easter were all on the same day, and I was living with the neighbors as my mom was manic and my dad was in the psych hosp.  And my cat disappeared.  It was all so freakin' weird.
  Also:  This is almost the exact time (maybe a week from now) that Boyd attacked me three years ago.  And it was that Easter just before that we went to the Sunrise Service.  I was just shaking and shaking for, like, three weeks straight.
Hoping I can get out of bed tomorrow before noon. Last day off from work. Just 5 weeks left, but after this short week no days off.  If I can just find something to wear each day.  Down to 0 dollars - not sure what I'll do for clothes.

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New Journal Committment

Apr 07, 2012 - 0 comments
Tags:

Suicidal

,

Exercise



Signed up for *********** to help me lose weight.  Remeron put 40 lbs on me 6 years ago and I've yet to lose it - except for 20 lbs 5 years ago that came back. On Seroquel now and doc told me low carb diets are being rec. Saw dietician for free class and she reccomends diabetes diet.  Got info and food lists from her.  Was into pushing protein for a week or so, but hit a slump and stopped eating or recording my diet.  Made follow-up appt to work with her but found out it costs $43/15-minutes!!

This at a "community health clinic" -pardon me, but WTF?  So, that's not happening. I couldn't even pay my rent this month.  I'm so mad about my poverty and my ****** health and the health care I can't even afford.  I'm in a Why God?  mode.  I'm a strong person, some people say when they hear some of the things I've gone through, but I'm so unhappy and tired and hopeless.  I'm just too scared to try suicide again, but I think about it and want to do it a lot.  How 'bout that premature death?
With the *********** thing (my therapist suggested it) one of my goals is to journal 3x a week.  When I first joined MedHelp I was pretty active and it was helpful, so I'm trying again - esp with mood tracker.
Spent 15 hours in bed today and 'bout the same yesterday.  Yestderday was Pasover and I was too tired to go.  Got stressed thinking about it trying to find a freakin' outfit.  Also need to ask to pay $26 later.  It would probably be ok, but I didn't want to.  I'm so freakin; tired all the time. Not eating enough - probably not helping, but hoped at least I'd lose a lb or two.  Nope.
There's too much to do - I can't keep up with this modern life and it's getting to me more and more.
My counselor also suddenly suggested I become "very physically active"  in part to reduce Thinking Too Much.  I've been too wiped out for anything, but I think it's a good idea.  She's gone for two weeks, though I can still email.  Sigh.

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worn-out welcome

Mar 22, 2009 - 1 comments

shortly, I have been helping a homeless friend from the hospital for about three weeks with food and an ocassional place to stay.  This has turned into staying every night for about a week and being around every evening .
I have not even broken away to got on the computer or call one of my good out-of-town friends.

I have been very reluctant to tell him I need more time alone, but yesterday had a conversation with a friend where she brought up my needs, and the decompensation I seem to be experiencing.  So he's napping right now and I just wrote him a letter.
This disruption has really thrown me off my staying-well-lifestyle.
At least now I recognize that.
He's paranoid and insecure and in love with me:  I'm a little afraid how he'll take my request.
I'm mad a t G-d for putting me in this position right now.  I've got enough problems without being forced to assert myself.  Poop.

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