Got up around noon on a beautiful day. It took me about 3 hours, but I finally got out of the house and took a walk with some running around Campus Lake. Highlight: I ran (past) a P.E. teacher from work while I was jogging and I felt so cool. I think I looked the other joggers - confident and healthy. Who knows. She was walking when I passed her. Why wasn't she at home on Easter? Did she move to town? She told me she was taking antidepressants, was she down and just walking?
Also, text-invited MikeD to meet me in town, but he just invited me to his place which is a no-go. J. says he's a "destabilizing influence." Guess I just wanted a cheerleader. Also he and Jim are both people I can be my real self with. I don't really have to hide anything from them, particulary mental illness-wise and screwed up childhood-wise. I'm in the closet everywhere else (esp bad at work) and it's starting to really, really, really make me feel bad. I've got to get into something new and related to my BP, at least. Just so damn tired all the time.
But good day overall to go running and I just downloaded a bunch of new relaxation tapes, or whatever you call them.
Triggers: This weekend is Passover and Easter which reminds me of the day when I was 13 and my B-day, Passover and Easter were all on the same day, and I was living with the neighbors as my mom was manic and my dad was in the psych hosp. And my cat disappeared. It was all so freakin' weird.
Also: This is almost the exact time (maybe a week from now) that Boyd attacked me three years ago. And it was that Easter just before that we went to the Sunrise Service. I was just shaking and shaking for, like, three weeks straight.
Hoping I can get out of bed tomorrow before noon. Last day off from work. Just 5 weeks left, but after this short week no days off. If I can just find something to wear each day. Down to 0 dollars - not sure what I'll do for clothes.