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Mar 06, 2009 - 2 comments

Boss being shtty led to mini-breakdown, a sick day and a visit to my gp.  He is really sensitve to my bp and pressed on me to take care of myself and remember that I am "fragile" even though I don't want to be.  He is right. He gave me some suggestions and I'm working on them because I think they are good ideas, although not easy.

I am still sleepinig almost all the time I am not at work.  doc is testing my thyroid levels.  I honest sleep hard and I don't always feel that depressed.  I'm hoping the thyroid test shows something  because maybe that wil be easier to treat.

Today my boss is a btch again- we have a half-day at our school and everyone goes out to eat because we have an extra long lunch period.  And.....NO ONE invited me to join them.  Even my stinkin' boss snuck out with a group.  (I caught her trying to slink away.)
I tell my therapist that I believe I am meant to be alone, and she tells me other clinets say the same thing.  She belives it is insecurity or something, but I really believe it.  If my old friend wasn't back in my life this past month I can't imagine how down and lonely life would be right now.  He's borrowed my car and is picking me up from work today.  Thank God I have another person and part of my life that is better than work.  

I like my work with the kids, but I am starting to think that getting out of this catty back-biting, can't-trust-anyone workplace with a boss who is increasingly abusive may be the way I'm going to have to go fairly soon.
I've been thinking the opposite until the last couple of weeks. Thinking no change for a while would be best.
Next week is Spring break - maybe I can get something positive going on.  Have three more hours to be here.  Just gotta hang on, I guess.

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Feb 22, 2009 - 0 comments

Suicidal yesterday got worse in the evening.  Friend is over to help me with housework and some other stuff.  I don't feel any energy to do anything even with help. This is my second or third task  of the day.  I wish I could go back to bed but my friend won't allow that.

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Writing Again

Dec 13, 2008 - 1 comments

I haven't felt up to writing in this journal for quite a while.  My days at work have been good, but when I get off work I inevitably get into bed for a  nap.  Sometimes I'm not even tired, but usually I am.  Anyway, this eats up most to all of my evenings and I wind up accomplishing very little.

Even picking out clothes for the next day -something not that time consuming.  Most nights I do get on here and read some posts and sometimes post myself, but I haven't really kept in touch with the folks here that have been "regular" friends.

Working full time is hard for BP me, I've decided. I don't want to quit my job.  I mostly love it and I need the money.  But I am really knocked out at the end of the day no matter how good or bad the day has been.  I think working part-time would be closer to ideal for me, but it's not an option really available right now.

I work at a school and next Thursday is my last day before our two week holiday break.  I can't wait!  We don't have to go back until the 5th of January.  Teaching and working with kids can really burn you out!

Things are actually going pretty well right now, at least I'm feeling good and decent about myself for once in a long, long while.  One blemish is that I have been taking an online class (my first one in 15 years) and I got totally behind.  I hit a depressed spot mid-October and couldn't get myself to work.  I slept and slept.

The anniversary of my father's death was 10/28 and I'm sure that's what touched me, but I completey stopped working on my class.
The teacher told me to just catch up as I could and I still havn't done it.  But yesterday she extended my time; that means I "have" to work on it during my break. At least I got A's so far, which has reallly built my confidence - I thought maybe I'd be too dumbed down by my illness and my meds.
I want to try another class this Spring and I don't. My weekends are less stressful w/out school, but going back to school has been my goal for many, many years and I never thought it could actually happen.
So, that's where I am.
Today was a good day as I pulled myself out of my cave/apartment and volunteered at this youth football thing. Of course, I came home and took a nap.  But I did a tiny bit of cleaning and made a picture for my wall.
I'm not hypomanic - I just feel like my normal "better" self.  Why can't everyday be like this?

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Blowing School

Dec 05, 2008 - 1 comments

I have pooped out on my first college class. A few weeks ago, I just had one bad night and didn't do coursework.  Then another, etc.  I went through a depressive period kind of around the anniversary of my Dad's death that my counselor pointed out.

I finally contacted my teacher through email 3 weeks ago to tell her why I'd been gone, and she told me to just try to catch up from where I had left off (it's an online class).  Well, I've been paralyzed ever since and haven't done anything.  

I have not even been able to face looking at the darn website.  Not even just look. Now there's only about 10 days left - I think.  I think I need to ask for an incomplete or whatever is done in these situations.  That would really relieve my anxiety about it, which would be great.  But I'm bummed.
And I have a friend who's been supporting me that I've been kind of lying too lately.  He knows I got behind, but he doesn't know that I got completely blocked.  I'm afraid he'll think I'm a slacker, and now I've been lying for two weeks so it's worse.  
I really thought I'd be over these kinds of experiences - I mean both flopping the class and lying to my friend.
I'd still like to take another class in the Spring since my long-term goal is to get my BA.  I'm not scared of failing again for some reason, but I've got to take care of my current problem.

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