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Not much to say today

Oct 06, 2008 - 1 comments

Not a bad Monday, though it started off with a lot of stress hormones that I could feel in my body.  I tried deep breathing, didn't feel much change, but I was aware anyway.
Staying up too late tonight, though.  I don't know why.  I'm just surfing the net and watching TV.  I'm just more up at night and I hate to go to bed -j ust like a little kid.  Although it won't be so funny tomorrow morning when I get out of bed late and have to rush around.
Counseling session tomorrow after two weeks off. Feels kind of weird.
Big accomplishments:  Stopped at Wal-Mart for toilet paper and other small stuff.  Washed some dishes for the first time in almost 2 weeks. Whoo-oo.

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Finished classwork

Oct 05, 2008 - 0 comments

Finished one assignement yesterday (Sat.) about one min. before it was due.  Today worked on substantially larger project that I've had all month to do.  I spent one hour messing with my webcam and finished up at 3:47 with due time at 3:55.
Whew!  Inside, I knew I could pull it out of my **** on some level, but it was stressful leading up to it. i just couldn't make myself do it.  This time around I'm going to try to finish weekly assignment early in the week.  We'll see.
Wished I had a "normal" life and could've gone outside this weekend, but I've spent so much time in bed after work this month that I got behind on this school stuff.
As for work, still having weird dynamic with my unhappy boss.  Spent  a lot of time thinking about my relationship with the kids - am I too friendly and not strict enough??? That was spurred by a SuperNanny episode.
But tonight I just feel like ******it.  It's taxing me a whole lot when my boss isn't doing anything on her side.  I don't have to devote a lot of energy to change myself.  I think it's above and beyond to try to change in the hopes of Maybe improving.  But I'm not sure what I'm improving.
So, tonight I don't feel motivated to work on this stuff too much.  I may be too laid back, but she's at the other extreme.
Sigh....Life's hard enough. I feel resentful about this situation at work. As I've said before, I look forward to tomorrow for seeing the kids.

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Life going okay, not great

Oct 02, 2008 - 1 comments

Not been on here much and I miss it.  Over the weekend my internet was out and it felt funny - what to do with myself.  I am procrastinating badly on my couresework.  There is a large assignment due Sunday that I've had 4 weeks to work on.  And a smaller one due Saturday.  I'm planning to work on them Friday, Saturday and probably Sunday

.  The bonus of the online class is I can do the work when I'm able.  The negative is that I'm mostly unable until the last minute.  This summer a rehab counselor asked me what I thought was the most disabling thing about my BP and I see now that it is my depressive symptoms - lethargy, low motivation, sleeping too much, being emotionally exhausted from my normal life.
Well at least I still have a couple of days.

Work is great with the students, but my boss is being a little awful to me. Luckily, I'm not with her much during the day, but lately she's made me mad with one comment here, another there.  I promised myself I wouldn't let her ruin my job.  But each time something happens (usually she makes a crack), it does get me pretty upset.  Good thing is I'm starting to expect it.
But she rarely smiles with the kids, and I try to always be smiley.  Of course, I think my way is better.  I don't have nearly the dicipline problems she has with a couple of our kids.  My laid back style seems to work with them, and I like it.

But I think she resents this as she's made a couple of comments.  I've tried not to let the kids "split us up," but when she gets mad at me, the kids see it and they ask me, "what's wrong with Susan?" "Why is Susan mad?" Why did Susan do this/that???"
I don't think she realizes the way she yells at the kids all day makes them hesitate to talk to her, and defiant. And that the way I invite them to interact just makes the contrast more obvious.
But I'll say what.  I don't care this year.  I don't care if she's going to act so immaturely.  I'm just keeping my mouth shut right now and I don't respond at all when she talks to me badly.
It's be better if we were friends again, but it's not necessary to do my job.
Gosh that's a lot of blah, blah, blah about work.

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Will I ever have...

Sep 20, 2008 - 2 comments

I have been alone since getting home from work Friday. A stupid thing happened: In my town this weekend was a huge party.  The biggest of the year and I had no one to go with.  So I took a big risk and boldly sent a text to a new friend to see if I could join her and her boyfriend.  They've talked about inviting me to stuff (because I'm single) but it's never worked out, though I saw her at a party last weekend and we had a good visit.

She actually turned me down.

I was surprised and hurt.  But I knew this could be a big trigger for me so I tried to stem the spiral of the rejection I felt.

  I didn't make any other plans to go, though.  There were two other people I could call. But I was really tired after the work week.  So I finaly decided just not to go and then there was a terrible thunderstorm.  I don't know what it was like over there - it's a street party - but I was glad about the rain-it made me feel better.

  But why are people so ******? I mean I feel like I've been a fool thinking they like me.  I don't know if I've done something that they don't like or whatever, but I was shocked about being told "no."

But it may have nothing to do with me. If it does there is nothing I can do about it.  This would have devastated me not long ago, so I've made progress with my mental health.
I'm disappointed as I thought I had a new friend, but this treatment is a real turn off.

Otherwise it was hard to stay out of bed today.  I set the alarm early because I had three assignments to finish for my online class - I'd been procrastinating all week and they were all due at 3:00.

Instead of starting on it, I went back to bed. But finally got up and finished it at the last minute.

It sounds so good, I work, go to parties, and am back in school....
but that's just the long, outside view.  My house is filthy and a mess.  I don't even have sheets on my bed today because I can find some.  And I don't have the energy or care.  I've had cereal for dinner for two weeks.  I've not worked out for three weeks and feel fat.  I got asked out on a date, but I haven't been able to call the guy back because I don't want anyone close to me.

Close enough to see my mess and my overweight and my inability to cook.  I haven't done any of my creative stuff in so long.

I know this is showing my low self-esteem, but I just want to get it out honestly and without being interrupted by someone saying, "oh,no, you're not that bad." "Oh it sounds like you're doing so well, don't be hard on yourself."

I want to scream. And I do desperately want to have a romantic relationship again.  I can't imagine anyone loving me the way my ex-husband did.  He worked in the field and knew about BP and married me anyway. I don't think I'll get so lucky again.  I'm trying to imagine my life alone and get used to it.

I sound very sad tonight, but I am about these things. I do feel a little better for having written this out.
Think I may go to bed early tonight and try again tomorrow to get some housework done.

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