I have been alone since getting home from work Friday. A stupid thing happened: In my town this weekend was a huge party. The biggest of the year and I had no one to go with. So I took a big risk and boldly sent a text to a new friend to see if I could join her and her boyfriend. They've talked about inviting me to stuff (because I'm single) but it's never worked out, though I saw her at a party last weekend and we had a good visit.
She actually turned me down.
I was surprised and hurt. But I knew this could be a big trigger for me so I tried to stem the spiral of the rejection I felt.
I didn't make any other plans to go, though. There were two other people I could call. But I was really tired after the work week. So I finaly decided just not to go and then there was a terrible thunderstorm. I don't know what it was like over there - it's a street party - but I was glad about the rain-it made me feel better.
But why are people so ******? I mean I feel like I've been a fool thinking they like me. I don't know if I've done something that they don't like or whatever, but I was shocked about being told "no."
But it may have nothing to do with me. If it does there is nothing I can do about it. This would have devastated me not long ago, so I've made progress with my mental health.
I'm disappointed as I thought I had a new friend, but this treatment is a real turn off.
Otherwise it was hard to stay out of bed today. I set the alarm early because I had three assignments to finish for my online class - I'd been procrastinating all week and they were all due at 3:00.
Instead of starting on it, I went back to bed. But finally got up and finished it at the last minute.
It sounds so good, I work, go to parties, and am back in school....
but that's just the long, outside view. My house is filthy and a mess. I don't even have sheets on my bed today because I can find some. And I don't have the energy or care. I've had cereal for dinner for two weeks. I've not worked out for three weeks and feel fat. I got asked out on a date, but I haven't been able to call the guy back because I don't want anyone close to me.
Close enough to see my mess and my overweight and my inability to cook. I haven't done any of my creative stuff in so long.
I know this is showing my low self-esteem, but I just want to get it out honestly and without being interrupted by someone saying, "oh,no, you're not that bad." "Oh it sounds like you're doing so well, don't be hard on yourself."
I want to scream. And I do desperately want to have a romantic relationship again. I can't imagine anyone loving me the way my ex-husband did. He worked in the field and knew about BP and married me anyway. I don't think I'll get so lucky again. I'm trying to imagine my life alone and get used to it.
I sound very sad tonight, but I am about these things. I do feel a little better for having written this out.
Think I may go to bed early tonight and try again tomorrow to get some housework done.