I haven't been up for writing for a few weeks now. I miss the time in August when I could be on every day. I went back to school a month ago (that is, I work in a school) and my life has become messed up again. I enjoy my job. I work with kids that I really like.
But work is the only place where I feel "normal." During the day I mostly feel good, I joke around with my students, enjoy teaching them, and I interact in a normal way with my co-oworkers.
But after work all I want to do is go home. Desperatley. And then when I get home all I want to do is get into my bed. Sometimes I go to sleep. A couple of times, I've read a book and listened to the radio. But most of the time I fall asleep and when my alarm goes off after an hour or so I just snooze it and keep on sleeping. Then it's 9 pm and time for me to really go to bed. So more often then not I just get up to take my meds, find something to wear and go back to bed.
No dinner, no talking with friends on the phone/returning phone calls, no internet, no TV. And I 'm taking an online class for the first time in 15 years, and I'm neglecting that, too. And that's requiring a lot more time than I thought it would.
My house is a terrible, terrible mess. I can't have anyone over and it just keeps getting worse as the days go by. I'm terrified my landlord is going to need to come in.
I hardly eat, and I'm neglecting my cats who like to play.
I am in some kind of rut. I started taking Prozac a couple of months ago to fight my depressed state.
I was frequenty sucidal when I just started it, and that has gone away completely ( except for a tiny little bit tonight). But this is not a life. Every thought I have is wearing me out and I just want to go to bed and lie down for a bit. Take a mental break.
The problem is my mental breaks are hours long.
I haven't worked out but twice and that's a big biggie, as I'm trying to lose weight and I know it helps my mood.
One of my friends here encouraged me to keep writing as it would help me, so finally tonight I am taking her advice.
Working full time is kicking my a**.