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Working Full-Time

Sep 19, 2008 - 0 comments

I haven't been up for writing for a few weeks now.  I miss the time in August when I could be on every day.  I went back to school a month ago (that is, I work in a school) and my life has become messed up again.  I enjoy my job.  I work with kids that I really like.
But work is the only place where I feel "normal."  During the day I mostly feel good, I joke around with my students, enjoy teaching them, and I interact in a normal way with my co-oworkers.

But after work all I want to do is go home. Desperatley. And then when I get home all I want to do is get into my bed.  Sometimes I go to sleep.  A couple of times, I've read a book and listened to the radio.  But most of the time I fall asleep and when my alarm goes off after an hour or so I just snooze it and keep on sleeping.  Then it's 9 pm and time for me to really go to bed.  So more often then not I just get up to take my meds, find something to wear and go back to bed.
No dinner, no talking with friends on the phone/returning phone calls, no internet, no TV.  And I 'm taking an online class for the first time in 15 years, and I'm neglecting that, too.  And that's requiring a lot more time than I thought it would.
My house is a terrible, terrible mess. I can't have anyone over and it just keeps getting worse as the days go by.  I'm terrified my landlord is going to need to come in.  

I hardly eat, and I'm neglecting my cats who like to play.

I am in some kind of rut.  I started taking Prozac a couple of months ago to fight my depressed state.
I was frequenty sucidal when I just started it, and that has gone away completely ( except for a tiny little bit tonight).  But this is not a life.  Every thought I have is wearing me out and I just want to go to bed and lie down for a bit.  Take a mental break.
The problem is my mental breaks are hours long.

I haven't worked out but twice and that's a big biggie, as I'm trying to lose weight and I know it helps my mood.
One of my friends here encouraged me to keep writing as it would help me, so finally tonight I am taking her advice.
Working full time is kicking my a**.

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Getting by

Sep 10, 2008 - 0 comments

Blew off class for some reason and got behind.  Teacher gave me a couple of extra days and I stressed hard about it today, although I did read the materials today at work.

Should've done it after work, but I couldn't resist getting into bed.  
Been doing thisd for two weeks. Getting inting into bed every afternoon after work.
But anyway, did get my assignment done tonight online.  The last one I got a crappy grade on, so tonight I tried to do better. Guess I'll see if it worked when I get my grade.
This online.dicussion/forum set up is very foreign to me.
So gotta take a shower and go to bed (about 2 hours late!)

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coughing cold

Sep 07, 2008 - 1 comments

Posting and reading on this site seems to be almost the only thing I'm really motivated to do lately. Instead of cleaning house, ect. But I just thought that It's okay.  It's something very important to me.  Bipolare is a huge part of my life.  Iit helps me feel better to be involved in something constructive and where I can be open an dmyself.  I hide so much everyday, sometimes I don't appreciate how hard holding myself in is.

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Sep 03, 2008 - 1 comments

Just a shorty:  Susan is giving me the cold shoulder and I'm not happy about it.  I don't know h ow to "make up."  She's been so easily upset adn flying off the handle lately.  I have to say I'm afraid to talk to her about teh situation because I can only imagine her attacking me again. She's so sensitive to criticism.  I'm re4luctant to confront people anyway, but since she was yelling at me and crying, I'm really reluctant.

More great news:  MIGHT loose counseling.  The governor has made giant cuts to mental health care here in Illinois and the community mental health agency I go to is laying off counselors and cutting some clients.  My counselor said I was on her list to "keep" -  to "fight" for but as of now It's still uncertain.  I for got to ask about when a dec. might be made.  I'm pretty tired of "stuff" tonight.

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