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Sep 03, 2008 - 1 comments

Just a shorty:  Susan is giving me the cold shoulder and I'm not happy about it.  I don't know h ow to "make up."  She's been so easily upset adn flying off the handle lately.  I have to say I'm afraid to talk to her about teh situation because I can only imagine her attacking me again. She's so sensitive to criticism.  I'm re4luctant to confront people anyway, but since she was yelling at me and crying, I'm really reluctant.

More great news:  MIGHT loose counseling.  The governor has made giant cuts to mental health care here in Illinois and the community mental health agency I go to is laying off counselors and cutting some clients.  My counselor said I was on her list to "keep" -  to "fight" for but as of now It's still uncertain.  I for got to ask about when a dec. might be made.  I'm pretty tired of "stuff" tonight.

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Aug 30, 2008 - 1 comments

i do not feel like writing tonight, but I feellike I should to help myself.  I stayed home by myself all day although it looked beauful outside.  I was bed almost all of the day. Mike sent me a text that he'd call later but I haven't heard from him and I imagine he's out celebrating hids birthday and I'm not anywhere with anyone upset.  I didn't want to call him..because I'm not doing well. "Not doing well" is what I say to describe this awful feeling that I don't want to do anything and worse when I can't get out of bed. It's the phrase I use to excuse myself from obligatins not met.  "Sorry I didn't call you, I wasn't doing well."

I am sick, sick, sick of not doing well. I am sick of being alone. Sick of the phone not ringing. Sick of no one caring - no one knowing to care.  Sick of not reaching out.  I now have a few new people in my life, yet when I'm doing this badly, I can't reach out.  And I'm sick of people telling me that I just "won't"  do these things, not that I can't. I'm sick of hearing my own critical inner voice saying that.  I'm not suicidal right now, but I can't really bear the thought of the rest of my life being this way.  Why am I like this?  What good is this doing, my sub functional almost empty life? Why don't other people have this? Why me, I guess? Why me? And for good measure, will anyone ever love me again?

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Aug 29, 2008 - 0 comments

Need to go to bed, it's almost 3:00 am., but this is the first time this week I stayed awake for a few hours in a row outside of work.  Did some stuff with class totally frustrated because I can't get this program to work and I'm pissed I didn't notice it until today. Assignment's due Sunday afternoon. I'm uncertain and scared but I'm going to do it even if it's not the greatest.  Mike's b-day tomorrow and I should have called tio make plans, but I was too busy not wanting be awake after work -not much time to make calls and I wasn't feeling so hot.  Maybe I can pull something together for the weekend anyway.

Conflict with Susan at work I don't feel like writing about much but basically I won and I've learned I can stand her not trusting me.  Her happiness is not what I'm getting paid for, I realized.  I don't have to be Super employee this year.  I can't trust her either.  I don't appreciate being yelled at in front of the students. At least our boss knows how she is now.  There, I said I wasn't going to write any and now I've spit some out anyhow. A big positive in this mess is that I asserted myself and went to our boss - twice - about this problem.  And as a bonus, he really backed me up.  It's funny to be the "stable" person in the crowd.

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In bed some more

Aug 26, 2008 - 1 comments

Up too late right now.  Sleeping after work adn miossing workouts for a week now.  Can't seem to break new habit of coming home and going to bed. Wishing it felt like Prozac was helping me more.

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