i do not feel like writing tonight, but I feellike I should to help myself. I stayed home by myself all day although it looked beauful outside. I was bed almost all of the day. Mike sent me a text that he'd call later but I haven't heard from him and I imagine he's out celebrating hids birthday and I'm not anywhere with anyone upset. I didn't want to call him..because I'm not doing well. "Not doing well" is what I say to describe this awful feeling that I don't want to do anything and worse when I can't get out of bed. It's the phrase I use to excuse myself from obligatins not met. "Sorry I didn't call you, I wasn't doing well."
I am sick, sick, sick of not doing well. I am sick of being alone. Sick of the phone not ringing. Sick of no one caring - no one knowing to care. Sick of not reaching out. I now have a few new people in my life, yet when I'm doing this badly, I can't reach out. And I'm sick of people telling me that I just "won't" do these things, not that I can't. I'm sick of hearing my own critical inner voice saying that. I'm not suicidal right now, but I can't really bear the thought of the rest of my life being this way. Why am I like this? What good is this doing, my sub functional almost empty life? Why don't other people have this? Why me, I guess? Why me? And for good measure, will anyone ever love me again?