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Mar 06, 2009 - 2 comments

Boss being shtty led to mini-breakdown, a sick day and a visit to my gp.  He is really sensitve to my bp and pressed on me to take care of myself and remember that I am "fragile" even though I don't want to be.  He is right. He gave me some suggestions and I'm working on them because I think they are good ideas, although not easy.

I am still sleepinig almost all the time I am not at work.  doc is testing my thyroid levels.  I honest sleep hard and I don't always feel that depressed.  I'm hoping the thyroid test shows something  because maybe that wil be easier to treat.

Today my boss is a btch again- we have a half-day at our school and everyone goes out to eat because we have an extra long lunch period.  And.....NO ONE invited me to join them.  Even my stinkin' boss snuck out with a group.  (I caught her trying to slink away.)
I tell my therapist that I believe I am meant to be alone, and she tells me other clinets say the same thing.  She belives it is insecurity or something, but I really believe it.  If my old friend wasn't back in my life this past month I can't imagine how down and lonely life would be right now.  He's borrowed my car and is picking me up from work today.  Thank God I have another person and part of my life that is better than work.  

I like my work with the kids, but I am starting to think that getting out of this catty back-biting, can't-trust-anyone workplace with a boss who is increasingly abusive may be the way I'm going to have to go fairly soon.
I've been thinking the opposite until the last couple of weeks. Thinking no change for a while would be best.
Next week is Spring break - maybe I can get something positive going on.  Have three more hours to be here.  Just gotta hang on, I guess.

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Suicidal

Feb 22, 2009 - 0 comments

Suicidal yesterday got worse in the evening.  Friend is over to help me with housework and some other stuff.  I don't feel any energy to do anything even with help. This is my second or third task  of the day.  I wish I could go back to bed but my friend won't allow that.

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Trying not to sleep so much

Dec 28, 2008 - 0 comments

I am on vacation from school and I CANNOT STOP SLEEPING.  I am not felling really depressed, but every day of my break I've been going back to bed, back to bed, back to bed.

I was so looking forward to break to do a lot of artwork, read.  I'm learning to knit.

Going out too I guess, but I don't really have anyone to go out with.  My links with a new crowd have broken.  They may be repairable, but I'm a bit loathe to call begging for companionship.  The last time I got turned down by somebody who later apologied, but I haven't heard from her since.  I feel ,What's wrong with me??  Why are they rejecting me?  What did I do wrong?  I know these aren't all the thoughts I could be having about these people., but this is honestly how I feel about it.  Rejected - which is my greatest fear

And when I say sleeping, I mean sleeping, not just lying in bed hiding from the world.  Went to bed the other day at 8:00 pm planning to get up at 5:00 w/energy and do something then I could even take a guild-free nap early.

But I coulden't stop snoozing my alarm clock.  I  got out of bed about 10:30 am and sure as **** I went back to bed w/inan hour or so.  And then I actually fell asleep.
I've lost track of the days I was magnetically draw to my bed this last week.

I don't understand this ability to sleep for hours and hours.  I've had little motivation to do any of the fun stuff I planned.  I especially don't want to leave the house.  And my concentration for reading is no good.
Look:  these all sound like classic signs of depression.  But I don't mood-wise feel that bad.
This is P*****me off.  I want a life!!  I want to do what other people do.
I ran out of one of my meds for a few days about 10 days ago.  I finally got all my meds filled and took them.

But I confessed to a friend about what happened.  I feel like I'm being judged for doing in on purpose.  I didn't. I just got down and didn't want to do anything.  It happens sometimes that I run out of meds. I feel misunderstood when I tell this particular friend.
No one understands this illness (but thankfully here people do).
I'm not sick on purpose.  
I didn't stop doing my classwork on purpose.
I'm not sleeping my break away because I'm lazy.

And I'm not even feeling so globally down today.  I've been up form 3 hours today.

Writing is supposed to help...so I'm writing today - taking advantage of my mojo.



FROM PM WITH JOURNAL-Y CONTENT:
(You've had a crazy Christmas, it sounds like. I avoided shopping and shopping, but only had one bad moment of not having gifts for some people.  Bipolar-wise I feel normal, but real-world-wise I feel less than others for not having my stuff together.  I couldn't keep track of the days.  I hate shopping, too, although I like to give gifts. Can't win that one.

Spent time with friend's families for the holidays and it was nice overall, but I still felt the outsider and I'm sick of that. I was treated just fine, but I've got no family of own anymore.  My girlfriend came into town to spend Christmas day with her mom and I joined them.  Her mom is a difficult person and gets my friend all riled up.

For a couple of hours we sat at my house and I tried to make it Christmasy for her while we had drinks.  But it wasn't the usual fun time because she complained about her mom and family the entire time.  My efforts to redirect were not successful.

At least I don't have a totally upseting family. )



Writing Again

Dec 13, 2008 - 1 comments

I haven't felt up to writing in this journal for quite a while.  My days at work have been good, but when I get off work I inevitably get into bed for a  nap.  Sometimes I'm not even tired, but usually I am.  Anyway, this eats up most to all of my evenings and I wind up accomplishing very little.

Even picking out clothes for the next day -something not that time consuming.  Most nights I do get on here and read some posts and sometimes post myself, but I haven't really kept in touch with the folks here that have been "regular" friends.

Working full time is hard for BP me, I've decided. I don't want to quit my job.  I mostly love it and I need the money.  But I am really knocked out at the end of the day no matter how good or bad the day has been.  I think working part-time would be closer to ideal for me, but it's not an option really available right now.

I work at a school and next Thursday is my last day before our two week holiday break.  I can't wait!  We don't have to go back until the 5th of January.  Teaching and working with kids can really burn you out!

Things are actually going pretty well right now, at least I'm feeling good and decent about myself for once in a long, long while.  One blemish is that I have been taking an online class (my first one in 15 years) and I got totally behind.  I hit a depressed spot mid-October and couldn't get myself to work.  I slept and slept.

The anniversary of my father's death was 10/28 and I'm sure that's what touched me, but I completey stopped working on my class.
The teacher told me to just catch up as I could and I still havn't done it.  But yesterday she extended my time; that means I "have" to work on it during my break. At least I got A's so far, which has reallly built my confidence - I thought maybe I'd be too dumbed down by my illness and my meds.
Arghh!
I want to try another class this Spring and I don't. My weekends are less stressful w/out school, but going back to school has been my goal for many, many years and I never thought it could actually happen.
So, that's where I am.
Today was a good day as I pulled myself out of my cave/apartment and volunteered at this youth football thing. Of course, I came home and took a nap.  But I did a tiny bit of cleaning and made a picture for my wall.
I'm not hypomanic - I just feel like my normal "better" self.  Why can't everyday be like this?


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