I just slept until 3:00 pm today when I was planning on doing a bunch of stuff. I was so tired I just couldn't get up. I was tired yesterday at work and slept all evening.
I was sick last weekend - maybe I'm still recovering.
But I am so frustrated with this situation. It happens time and time again; I have plans for myself and then I'm too down or too tired to get out of bed. Or I go back to bed.
This kills my weekends and it's been happening every evening for weeks (since I went back to work).
And I've been really isolating the past month as well. I don't know exactly what I'm avoiding all the time. I mean there are certainly lots of problems in my home, but I thought I'd outgrow this. I'm on Prozac for depression now and it helped ease my suicidal feelings, but I still feel bad.
I don't think I need more medicine, but maybe I do. Next week I have an appt. with a new shrink (I go to a community mental health agency and they haven't had a doctor on staff for months - just temporary people I've seen about once each).
I don't know maybe a med change/increase will help.
I'm not feeling too good about myself right now.
And I've been really isolating myself for weeks. I just look forward to the weekends so I can be by myself.
This is isn't like me. I like to be alone sometimes, not all the time.
I'm functioning great at work, though. Thank goodness.
And since I'm writing about neg things, here's more; Mike (my friend/pseudo boyfriend) obliquely mentioned he brought a date to a party I almost went to last weekend (which explains why he didn't invite me. He didn't know the host invited me himself).
He has hinted over this last year that if he finds a "romantic interest" we won't be able to talk anymore (because she may be jealous).
I have been thinking about this a lot and I'm just about ready to let this relationship go. I don't need to get dumped and I'm starting to feel like I don't need to live in fear of getting dumped. And he practically hung up on me the other night, which he's never done before.
Yup. I've been living with the fear of getting dumped by him for a long time.
And I'm realizing right now that this is almost as bad as actually getting the heave-ho. Of course there's no discussion about me dating again. I feel like I'm the one down, but the reason is I'm not planning on leaving him if I meet some one. And I guess he has no romantic feelings for me, and my feelings are mixed up and I do feel rejected.
I have been close to Mike for years, but my friend Lisa says she doesn't like the way he treats me.
I feel like "Transition Woman." That is, the person you first date after a big break-up or divorce. Then you dump them maybe when you meet someone else and it becomes clear that the Transition Person was good only because they were new or first and not because they're really special.
I've seen him on weekends and holidays for a year and I was there for him when his mom was sick and then died this summer. I'm starting to feel very resentful and as I write this - it's starting to be a little more clear.
Oh,I'm just tired right now writing this. One good thing is that a girl I've hired to help me clean and organize my apt is coming tomorrow morning. So I'll have to get out of bed and something will get done around here. She's been here twice before and the first time left me feeling awsome.
So I'm going to try to get ready tomorrow with a plan so I can maximize the time I have with her. I don't know where the money is coming from for me to pay her, but so far I haven't bounced a check.
At work things are going great but sometimes difficult with my students, but my days are good and go by fast. My boss is still springing up like a startled snake once in a while with her temper with me, but I'm trying to not let it bother me so much that it ruins my day.
But it kind of does, like yesterday. Thank goodness every else is pretty cool. I never thought I would love working with kids as much as I do. I don't know what my life would be like without them.