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Blowing School

Dec 05, 2008 - 1 comments

I have pooped out on my first college class. A few weeks ago, I just had one bad night and didn't do coursework.  Then another, etc.  I went through a depressive period kind of around the anniversary of my Dad's death that my counselor pointed out.

I finally contacted my teacher through email 3 weeks ago to tell her why I'd been gone, and she told me to just try to catch up from where I had left off (it's an online class).  Well, I've been paralyzed ever since and haven't done anything.  

I have not even been able to face looking at the darn website.  Not even just look. Now there's only about 10 days left - I think.  I think I need to ask for an incomplete or whatever is done in these situations.  That would really relieve my anxiety about it, which would be great.  But I'm bummed.
And I have a friend who's been supporting me that I've been kind of lying too lately.  He knows I got behind, but he doesn't know that I got completely blocked.  I'm afraid he'll think I'm a slacker, and now I've been lying for two weeks so it's worse.  
I really thought I'd be over these kinds of experiences - I mean both flopping the class and lying to my friend.
I'd still like to take another class in the Spring since my long-term goal is to get my BA.  I'm not scared of failing again for some reason, but I've got to take care of my current problem.
Grrrrrrrrrrr!

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Sick of being tired

Nov 08, 2008 - 0 comments

I just slept until 3:00 pm today when I was planning on doing a bunch of stuff.  I was so tired I just couldn't get up.  I was tired yesterday at work and slept all evening.
I was sick last weekend - maybe I'm still recovering.

But I am so frustrated with this situation. It happens time and time again;  I have plans for myself and then I'm too down or too tired to get out of bed. Or I go back to bed.

This kills my weekends and it's been happening every evening for weeks (since I went back to work).
And I've been really isolating the past month as well.  I don't know exactly what I'm avoiding all the time.  I mean there are certainly lots of problems in my home, but I thought I'd outgrow this.  I'm on Prozac for depression now and it helped ease my suicidal feelings, but I still feel bad.

I don't think I need more medicine, but maybe I do.  Next week I have an appt. with a new shrink (I go to a community mental health agency and they haven't had a doctor on staff for months - just temporary people I've seen about once each).
I don't know maybe a med change/increase will help.

I'm not feeling too good about myself right now.
And I've been really isolating myself for weeks. I just look forward to the weekends so I can be by myself.

This is isn't like me.  I like to be alone sometimes, not all the time.
I'm functioning great at work, though.  Thank goodness.
And since I'm writing about neg things, here's more;  Mike (my friend/pseudo boyfriend) obliquely mentioned he brought a date to a party I almost went to last weekend (which explains why he didn't invite me.  He didn't know the host invited me himself).
He has hinted over this last year that if he finds a "romantic interest" we won't be able to talk anymore (because she may be jealous).
I have been thinking about this a lot and I'm just about ready to let this relationship go. I don't need to get dumped and I'm starting to feel like I don't need to live in fear of getting dumped.  And he practically hung up on me the other night, which he's never done before.
  Yup. I've been living with the fear of getting dumped by him for a long time.
And I'm realizing right now that this is almost as bad as actually getting the heave-ho.  Of course there's no discussion about me dating again.  I feel like I'm the one down, but the reason is I'm not planning on leaving him if I meet some one. And I guess he has no romantic feelings for me, and my feelings are mixed up and I do feel rejected.
I have been close to Mike for years, but my friend Lisa says she doesn't like the way he treats me.

I feel like "Transition Woman."  That is, the person you first date after  a big break-up or divorce.  Then you dump them maybe when you meet someone else and it becomes clear that the Transition Person was good only because they were new or first and not because they're really special.

I've seen him on weekends and holidays for a year and I was there for him when his mom was sick and then died this summer.  I'm starting to feel very resentful and as I write this - it's starting to be  a little more clear.

Oh,I'm just tired right now writing this.  One good thing is that a girl I've hired to help me clean and organize my apt is coming tomorrow morning.  So I'll have to get out of bed and something will get done around here.  She's been here twice before and the first time left me feeling awsome.

So I'm going to try to get ready tomorrow with a plan so I can maximize the time I have with her.  I don't know where the money is coming from for me to pay her, but so far I haven't bounced a check.

At work things are going great but sometimes difficult with my students, but my days are good and go by fast.  My boss is still springing up like a startled snake once in a while with her temper with me,  but I'm trying to not let it bother me so much that it ruins my day.  
But it kind of does, like yesterday. Thank goodness every else is pretty cool.  I never thought I would love working with kids as much as I do.  I don't know what my life would be like without them.

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Three Good Days

Oct 22, 2008 - 2 comments

Good session with my therapist.  Good vist with Lisa last night.  Good conversation with boss yesterday after work.  Like my remodeled living room a lot.  Looking forward to having Friday off. Hope yesterday goes by quickly as Thursday is a half-day at school/work.

Feeling good but not hyper.  I took  a long nap this afternoon.

Hate being suspicious of a good couple of days as being maybe mania creeping up. Can't I just be in a good mood once in a while?

Well I'm taking my meds and doing all the usual stuff, so I guess time will just tell; am I just having a good period or am I getting hypomanic?

I like feeling pleased with things.  it's been such a long, long time that I've had several days in row I would call good v. okay.

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Two Good Days

Oct 20, 2008 - 0 comments

Realized I haven't used mood tracker or journal in days - didn't feel it was that long.  Work is going better.   Had helpful talk with psych nurse a couple of weeks ago about the balance of my life and had a good counseling meeting last week.

Great weekend - I hired a girl/woman to help me clean and organize my house and she turned out to be wonderful.  My living room is transformed and looks like a "real" person lives here.  And I have the money to buy the new futon I want.  Need to figure out how to get it from store to home and from driveway to livingroom.         I am missing having "guys."  When I was married we had "guys."
I do have a nice landlord I could ask.  He's got "guys" I know because I've seen them.

And tomorrow I'm interpreting for the State Attorney General.  She is coming to visit our school tomorrow and speak to the kids.  I already have my outfit together, but it's too late to get enough sleep. (I'm hoping to have a sec to talk to her because my dad worked in the same art studio with her husband in Chicago a couple of years ago.)

My friend Lisa was in town today and she came over to visit and we couldn't stop talking even though we both knew I needed to get to bed.  Lisa drives me crazy with her abusive marriage, but she is FUN to hang out with and very insightful.

Gonna force myself to go to bed.  I'm a little behind with my friends here, but I've got Friday off of work so maybe I can use that day to mess around on here.  Good day - two in a row!

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