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Bad Day

Oct 13, 2008 - 2 comments

Okay, this has become a bad day. I discpvered last night that I missed a big assignment due last week. The teacher said doing it now was okay. I told her I would do it today.
Instead of starting it last night, I planned to ddo it today - early.  But I didn't go to bed early - I just kept postponing it.

There is a portion of this that I'm actually scared to do because I think my work will be embarrassingly s****y.

So today I did get out of bed at a good time, but I sat down to watch TV for "a while."  This turned into a long while and I became tired and slow like a sinking stone.  I fought the feeling for a short while, but then gave in and went back to bed.  (Of course, telling myself that I'd wake up refreshed).

Now I am up and the day is almost gone.  And I am postponing this again by writing here.

I have always avoided things even though I've been in therapy forever trying to work on these feelings.  I need to keep working on it.  I have been going to bed after work every day for weeks now.

I think I have been avoiding the reality of my terribly dirty and messed up house. My depression has made it impossible to think creatively about this.

But yesterday I had good day and did some stuff and felt better.

But today I botched it all.

Maybe I'm too sensitive to to these things.  I so want to be Normal. And I know that is a loaded word around here, but that's how I feel.
Big Time.

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Not much to say today

Oct 06, 2008 - 1 comments

Not a bad Monday, though it started off with a lot of stress hormones that I could feel in my body.  I tried deep breathing, didn't feel much change, but I was aware anyway.
Staying up too late tonight, though.  I don't know why.  I'm just surfing the net and watching TV.  I'm just more up at night and I hate to go to bed -j ust like a little kid.  Although it won't be so funny tomorrow morning when I get out of bed late and have to rush around.
Counseling session tomorrow after two weeks off. Feels kind of weird.
Big accomplishments:  Stopped at Wal-Mart for toilet paper and other small stuff.  Washed some dishes for the first time in almost 2 weeks. Whoo-oo.

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Finished classwork

Oct 05, 2008 - 0 comments

Finished one assignement yesterday (Sat.) about one min. before it was due.  Today worked on substantially larger project that I've had all month to do.  I spent one hour messing with my webcam and finished up at 3:47 with due time at 3:55.
Whew!  Inside, I knew I could pull it out of my **** on some level, but it was stressful leading up to it. i just couldn't make myself do it.  This time around I'm going to try to finish weekly assignment early in the week.  We'll see.
Wished I had a "normal" life and could've gone outside this weekend, but I've spent so much time in bed after work this month that I got behind on this school stuff.
As for work, still having weird dynamic with my unhappy boss.  Spent  a lot of time thinking about my relationship with the kids - am I too friendly and not strict enough??? That was spurred by a SuperNanny episode.
But tonight I just feel like ******it.  It's taxing me a whole lot when my boss isn't doing anything on her side.  I don't have to devote a lot of energy to change myself.  I think it's above and beyond to try to change in the hopes of Maybe improving.  But I'm not sure what I'm improving.
So, tonight I don't feel motivated to work on this stuff too much.  I may be too laid back, but she's at the other extreme.
Sigh....Life's hard enough. I feel resentful about this situation at work. As I've said before, I look forward to tomorrow for seeing the kids.

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Life going okay, not great

Oct 02, 2008 - 1 comments

Not been on here much and I miss it.  Over the weekend my internet was out and it felt funny - what to do with myself.  I am procrastinating badly on my couresework.  There is a large assignment due Sunday that I've had 4 weeks to work on.  And a smaller one due Saturday.  I'm planning to work on them Friday, Saturday and probably Sunday

.  The bonus of the online class is I can do the work when I'm able.  The negative is that I'm mostly unable until the last minute.  This summer a rehab counselor asked me what I thought was the most disabling thing about my BP and I see now that it is my depressive symptoms - lethargy, low motivation, sleeping too much, being emotionally exhausted from my normal life.
Well at least I still have a couple of days.

Work is great with the students, but my boss is being a little awful to me. Luckily, I'm not with her much during the day, but lately she's made me mad with one comment here, another there.  I promised myself I wouldn't let her ruin my job.  But each time something happens (usually she makes a crack), it does get me pretty upset.  Good thing is I'm starting to expect it.
But she rarely smiles with the kids, and I try to always be smiley.  Of course, I think my way is better.  I don't have nearly the dicipline problems she has with a couple of our kids.  My laid back style seems to work with them, and I like it.

But I think she resents this as she's made a couple of comments.  I've tried not to let the kids "split us up," but when she gets mad at me, the kids see it and they ask me, "what's wrong with Susan?" "Why is Susan mad?" Why did Susan do this/that???"
I don't think she realizes the way she yells at the kids all day makes them hesitate to talk to her, and defiant. And that the way I invite them to interact just makes the contrast more obvious.
But I'll say what.  I don't care this year.  I don't care if she's going to act so immaturely.  I'm just keeping my mouth shut right now and I don't respond at all when she talks to me badly.
It's be better if we were friends again, but it's not necessary to do my job.
Gosh that's a lot of blah, blah, blah about work.

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