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Will I ever have...

Sep 20, 2008 - 2 comments

I have been alone since getting home from work Friday. A stupid thing happened: In my town this weekend was a huge party.  The biggest of the year and I had no one to go with.  So I took a big risk and boldly sent a text to a new friend to see if I could join her and her boyfriend.  They've talked about inviting me to stuff (because I'm single) but it's never worked out, though I saw her at a party last weekend and we had a good visit.

She actually turned me down.

I was surprised and hurt.  But I knew this could be a big trigger for me so I tried to stem the spiral of the rejection I felt.

  I didn't make any other plans to go, though.  There were two other people I could call. But I was really tired after the work week.  So I finaly decided just not to go and then there was a terrible thunderstorm.  I don't know what it was like over there - it's a street party - but I was glad about the rain-it made me feel better.

  But why are people so ******? I mean I feel like I've been a fool thinking they like me.  I don't know if I've done something that they don't like or whatever, but I was shocked about being told "no."

But it may have nothing to do with me. If it does there is nothing I can do about it.  This would have devastated me not long ago, so I've made progress with my mental health.
I'm disappointed as I thought I had a new friend, but this treatment is a real turn off.

Otherwise it was hard to stay out of bed today.  I set the alarm early because I had three assignments to finish for my online class - I'd been procrastinating all week and they were all due at 3:00.

Instead of starting on it, I went back to bed. But finally got up and finished it at the last minute.

It sounds so good, I work, go to parties, and am back in school....
but that's just the long, outside view.  My house is filthy and a mess.  I don't even have sheets on my bed today because I can find some.  And I don't have the energy or care.  I've had cereal for dinner for two weeks.  I've not worked out for three weeks and feel fat.  I got asked out on a date, but I haven't been able to call the guy back because I don't want anyone close to me.

Close enough to see my mess and my overweight and my inability to cook.  I haven't done any of my creative stuff in so long.

I know this is showing my low self-esteem, but I just want to get it out honestly and without being interrupted by someone saying, "oh,no, you're not that bad." "Oh it sounds like you're doing so well, don't be hard on yourself."

I want to scream. And I do desperately want to have a romantic relationship again.  I can't imagine anyone loving me the way my ex-husband did.  He worked in the field and knew about BP and married me anyway. I don't think I'll get so lucky again.  I'm trying to imagine my life alone and get used to it.

I sound very sad tonight, but I am about these things. I do feel a little better for having written this out.
Think I may go to bed early tonight and try again tomorrow to get some housework done.


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Working Full-Time

Sep 19, 2008 - 0 comments

I haven't been up for writing for a few weeks now.  I miss the time in August when I could be on every day.  I went back to school a month ago (that is, I work in a school) and my life has become messed up again.  I enjoy my job.  I work with kids that I really like.
But work is the only place where I feel "normal."  During the day I mostly feel good, I joke around with my students, enjoy teaching them, and I interact in a normal way with my co-oworkers.

But after work all I want to do is go home. Desperatley. And then when I get home all I want to do is get into my bed.  Sometimes I go to sleep.  A couple of times, I've read a book and listened to the radio.  But most of the time I fall asleep and when my alarm goes off after an hour or so I just snooze it and keep on sleeping.  Then it's 9 pm and time for me to really go to bed.  So more often then not I just get up to take my meds, find something to wear and go back to bed.
No dinner, no talking with friends on the phone/returning phone calls, no internet, no TV.  And I 'm taking an online class for the first time in 15 years, and I'm neglecting that, too.  And that's requiring a lot more time than I thought it would.
My house is a terrible, terrible mess. I can't have anyone over and it just keeps getting worse as the days go by.  I'm terrified my landlord is going to need to come in.  

I hardly eat, and I'm neglecting my cats who like to play.

I am in some kind of rut.  I started taking Prozac a couple of months ago to fight my depressed state.
I was frequenty sucidal when I just started it, and that has gone away completely ( except for a tiny little bit tonight).  But this is not a life.  Every thought I have is wearing me out and I just want to go to bed and lie down for a bit.  Take a mental break.
The problem is my mental breaks are hours long.

I haven't worked out but twice and that's a big biggie, as I'm trying to lose weight and I know it helps my mood.
One of my friends here encouraged me to keep writing as it would help me, so finally tonight I am taking her advice.
Working full time is kicking my a**.

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Getting by

Sep 10, 2008 - 0 comments

Blew off class for some reason and got behind.  Teacher gave me a couple of extra days and I stressed hard about it today, although I did read the materials today at work.

Should've done it after work, but I couldn't resist getting into bed.  
Been doing thisd for two weeks. Getting inting into bed every afternoon after work.
But anyway, did get my assignment done tonight online.  The last one I got a crappy grade on, so tonight I tried to do better. Guess I'll see if it worked when I get my grade.
This online.dicussion/forum set up is very foreign to me.
So gotta take a shower and go to bed (about 2 hours late!)

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coughing cold

Sep 07, 2008 - 1 comments

Posting and reading on this site seems to be almost the only thing I'm really motivated to do lately. Instead of cleaning house, ect. But I just thought that It's okay.  It's something very important to me.  Bipolare is a huge part of my life.  Iit helps me feel better to be involved in something constructive and where I can be open an dmyself.  I hide so much everyday, sometimes I don't appreciate how hard holding myself in is.

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