Everything has been good. Although my ex keeps popping in and out, only in when things get going bad for him which makes it hard for me, but I am learning to deal with it differently and am getting a lot better with missing him.

Wow, reading some of the things that mother's post on here make me so worried about if I will be able to do the same for my child. I am so scared to end up like mine. Both my parents were doing speed and alcohol with me by the time I was 18, and my mom was even helping me slam it. Now I quit the drugs, the drinking, the entire lifestyle, and its all I ever really known and been around. And yes I have some good influences in my life like the family I moved and am staying with to stay clean, but in the back of my mind all day everyday is the craving and the wanting of going home. Yes I think I want to go back and stay around positive influences, but what happens if I see some ld friends that are getting loaded and it makes me want to do it just one more time, which it never is just that. And I am so off the hook when I am getting loaded. I don't stay inone place, I go to the extreme. And the most scariest thing is that if I have such cravings and wantings, will I be strong enough to overcome it for my child and be the mother I never had, and want to be? I don't want to expose him to any harm and like my mom always said tome, "Its in your blood to do drugs and be a **** up".I don't want him to not ever have a chance because of me because I never had one. I want to give him a childhood. I don't want him to be doing pills and drinking in school, and then by 18 doing speed with my mom and dad. Dating their friends. Its just not a life that is worth living. But why is it so easy to miss? I am just very scared.

For the first time ever, I am going to sleep early and getting up early. Up at 5am. That is amazing for me!!! It is okay, but I just have nothing to do in the day, but I didn't in the night either. I really want to go to the river. It would be so nice to get out and not hear "You can't do that because it's not good for the baby". I am doing so good for the baby I think everyone should get off my back. Back home, people tweek while pregnant the entire pregnancy, but I want better for the baby, so I changed my entire life. I know that is what I am suppoesed to do but it is so hard. But today I am good. Day 2 on my new and improved sleeping habit. I hope it will stick.

I've been doing really good. It's been a month that I have not gotten loaded and I feel pretty good about it. I can't help that I miss my home, friends, and family so much though. I want to go back so bad. It seems I find any way to have a reason band it be okay for me to go home. My family out here says it won't be good for me to go back and I need to worry about what's best for the baby, and I agree but I don't agree with staying out here and just being depressed the entire time. I am so sad and sick of veing sad. I don't even wake up. I've already slept my first trimester away. And I think I subconciously think that I'm gonna sleep until I go into labor. Also I have this boy back in the desert that I'm really starting to like and he has a job and isn't just a dead beat I usually go for. I think if I hadsome friends or things to do it wouldn't be so miserable out here for me.