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Nov 24, 2008 - 1 comments

First...let me say...I am in a great mood.  So, don't think I am hating because im just having a bad day.  I really am doing great and i am still psyched that my bf is getting help this isnt a mean journal entry due to a bad day or anything.........i was laying in bed last night thinking about this...

I cannot stand how the NON addict who is involved with someone who is an addict is suppose to ALWAYS be the one to "understand"  that the addict is in withdrawl........and how bad that *****........and how they  just wanna be left how they are a complete a$$hole during that time and how that "isnt personal"-- uh, ok??  It IS personal!!!!! The non addict loves this addict.........and sees them in pain and wants to help them and does helpo them CONSTANTLY with getting their DOC or getting them into rehab...and, then....the dreadful day comes and the addict is out of their DOC and they treat the ONLY person in their life who loves them like $hit...and what, we arent suppose to take that personal?  When the addict ACTS like they would rather die than to look at us? That isnt personal.  C'mon...that isnt fair.

So we have to understand that part of it...yet the addict isnt expected to understand what the freakin word NO in........NO, ur not getting anymore pills today.  NO i dont want u buying Heroin. NO i dont want u to get pills fronted because we have to pay them back and don't have the money. NO you are not spending anymore money on that garbage.  They don't get what that word means.  Then, they get  mad at us when we say it and MEAN IT!!!!  Which, as most people know, addicts have a way to push us and push us and push us to the point where we finally just give in....because we'd rather NOT fight with the addict.  Sad.  

We are suppose to be ok with the fact that the addict will put 200% effort into finding pills, taxing this or that person for pills so he can get his own, finding money around the house or stuff to sell for pills...but wont put .0000001% effort into making us feel ok when they are in withdrawl and treating us badly.

We are also suppose to be ok with this freakin up and down personality.  OMG. for real.  seriously. Oh, Gosh it is so annoying.-----------------> On!  Awesome, great! NO pills--------------------------> U know.
sadly, most days I wish he just has the sh!t so he is in a good enough mood for me to be around him.

Bottom line...................everyone here knows i absolutely love and adore my bf.  I have done hours and hours and hours and hours of research on suboxone....addiction....the brain...everything.  I cannot explain to u the amount of information that is in my brain.....that i never thought i would know anything about. And now, i am over loaded with info about opiate addiction. I have seen heroin.  Seen it??  U know....i never thought id see that.  I have seen oxy's crushed up and snorted. Never thought id see that either.  taxing your friends to make money for pills?  wow. i would just give someone money if they needed it...or, id give them pain killers if i had them and they needed them (i did that before).  Some may call it being naive.  I don't think so. I am so glad that i never witnessed this until i was 27. I am glad that my mom would have "killed" me had i done that stuff!  Of course, I wish i could say i never had to witness it.  But, life doesnt always pan out that way.

Just because I understand addiction and withdrawl doesnt mean i have to accept it though.


Nov 12, 2008 - 2 comments

So I am so excited and had to share....

As all of you know, my boyfriend and I have been trying to find an affordable sub doctor so he can get off luck, ever.  Frustrated, always. Buuuuut, yesterday a girl on here PM'd me with a ton of info and advice and inspiration. She didnt give me a doctor to call because we live in diff states, but, I don't know why...for some reason....she motivated the hell out of me to call, call, call and don't stop calling til we get some help!

So, i did just that. I went home and started calling places with my bf.  The VERY FIRST PLACE i called wanted $400  A WEEK!!!!!!!!!!!! Plus meds. Hmm, not going to work. So, we call a couple more and found a doctor about 45 min away who is soooooo affordable for us.

He chages $155 for first visit. Then, another $65 for the next week vist. Then another $65 for a vist 2 weeks after that. Then, you see him montly at $90 a month.  This doesnt include the medicine....but, still we can totally do this!  NOBODY will ever understand how insanely happy we are.  His first appt is next friday.......OMG i am so happy. I really am.  

Matter of fact, my bf  just emailed me (from the cell phone).i am going to copy and paste it exactly .....  

Im s0 excitd 2 get beter! I cnt w8 til we cn hav a nrmal life n go bak 2 how we usd 2b.

I really feel as tho we have hope and that girl that emailed me did something to help me find someone and not just settle. I don't know. It is crazy. Gosh, i really hope this is it!


Sep 01, 2008 - 0 comments


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Sep 01, 2008 - 1 comments

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