Nov 24, 2008
First...let me say...I am in a great mood. So, don't think I am hating because im just having a bad day. I really am doing great and i am still psyched that my bf is getting help tomorrow....so this isnt a mean journal entry due to a bad day or anything.........i was laying in bed last night thinking about this...
I cannot stand how the NON addict who is involved with someone who is an addict is suppose to ALWAYS be the one to "understand" that the addict is in withdrawl........and how bad that *****........and how they just wanna be left alone..ir how they are a complete a$$hole during that time and how that "isnt personal"-- uh, ok?? It IS personal!!!!! The non addict loves this addict.........and sees them in pain and wants to help them and does helpo them CONSTANTLY with getting their DOC or getting them into rehab...and, then....the dreadful day comes and the addict is out of their DOC and they treat the ONLY person in their life who loves them like $hit...and what, we arent suppose to take that personal? When the addict ACTS like they would rather die than to look at us? That isnt personal. C'mon...that isnt fair.
So we have to understand that part of it...yet the addict isnt expected to understand what the freakin word NO means....as in........NO, ur not getting anymore pills today. NO i dont want u buying Heroin. NO i dont want u to get pills fronted because we have to pay them back and don't have the money. NO you are not spending anymore money on that garbage. They don't get what that word means. Then, they get mad at us when we say it and MEAN IT!!!! Which, as most people know, addicts have a way to push us and push us and push us to the point where we finally just give in....because we'd rather NOT fight with the addict. Sad.
We are suppose to be ok with the fact that the addict will put 200% effort into finding pills, taxing this or that person for pills so he can get his own, finding money around the house or stuff to sell for pills...but wont put .0000001% effort into making us feel ok when they are in withdrawl and treating us badly.
We are also suppose to be ok with this freakin up and down personality. OMG. for real. seriously. Oh, Gosh it is so annoying.-----------------> On pills...wow! Awesome, great! NO pills--------------------------> U know.
sadly, most days I wish he just has the sh!t so he is in a good enough mood for me to be around him.
Bottom line...................everyone here knows i absolutely love and adore my bf. I have done hours and hours and hours and hours of research on suboxone....addiction....the brain...everything. I cannot explain to u the amount of information that is in my brain.....that i never thought i would know anything about. And now, i am over loaded with info about opiate addiction. I have seen heroin. Seen it?? U know....i never thought id see that. I have seen oxy's crushed up and snorted. Never thought id see that either. taxing your friends to make money for pills? wow. i would just give someone money if they needed it...or, id give them pain killers if i had them and they needed them (i did that before). Some may call it being naive. I don't think so. I am so glad that i never witnessed this until i was 27. I am glad that my mom would have "killed" me had i done that stuff! Of course, I wish i could say i never had to witness it. But, life doesnt always pan out that way.
Just because I understand addiction and withdrawl doesnt mean i have to accept it though.