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The World According to Me

Nov 03, 2008 - 0 comments

Sorry, I have been around for awhile....busy trying to get my life together. Finding a new counselor who won't say the same thing as every other counselor I have seen. One that can see me more than once a month.

Also getting the house ready for my daughters, Courtney and Caitlyn to come visit in January for 2 weeks. Courtney, my 21 yr old was here last year, She comes most every year. But Caitlyn I haven't seen for almost 5 yrs. She is 18 now.

I am also attempting to write a book about my life. Well my sister and I are. It will be sold in the "demented and disturbed childhoods" sections of the bookstores if you are interested. I don't write well, I am scattered and confusing, just like in real life. Just like my mind. I am hoping to find someone help me put it into some kind of order. Maybe some counselor will be intelligent enough to do so...I'll pay her in coffee. I have plenty of that. Or maybe I shall counsel her back. Her life isn't perfect. She knows it and I know it....I can listen as well as she can. Maybe even better. I can help other people. I just cannot seem to help myself.

If she does have a "perfect world" I'll just screw her up so bad with my story she will be begging for psychotherapy from anyone willing to give it and so then shall I step up to the plate and offer my loving services for the price of one book writing. Sound good...??? Not Really.

I see the sleep Doc Wednesday to see about changing me from provigil to something else. It just isn't working for me. I am falling asleep and not even realizing it. It's scary. The Xyrem is helping me sleep, but I just cannot for the life of me, read, make it through a movie, drive, or talk to someone long enough without passing out. I need help.

ok...enough about me...
I hope you all are well!!!

Hear ye Hear ye

Oct 15, 2008 - 0 comments

I have been feeling a ton better these days....not sure why. Life and the stresses of it suck ham sammiches big time. But I have more faith that it will get better I suppose. My Xyrem that I take for narcolepsy makes me feel like I love the world and all who is in it and that the world is sick of me yapping though...or at least Sean is. I talk too much and bring up things I shouldn't. But I feel much more gutsy to discuss crazy thoughts and feelings in this ol head of mine after I take it. Leave it to me to open old cans of worms that stink like rotten poo. I'm a peach and I know this. Sean knows this too, he just refuses to admit it. He wants to marry me too...he just refuses to admit that also... (~*~*the faery makes a grouchy face here~*~)

I am still going to counseling but can only be seen once a month (due to her being so busy), which is doing me absolutely no good whatsoever....the women has to re-hash my whole story each time because she doesn't remember from the last time, who I even am. Then the last 15 minutes she tells me I am lucky I am still alive or not in jail. same story, same responses, I am getting bored.

Well thats all about my life right now...I hope you are all well.....


I'm what?????

Sep 18, 2008 - 7 comments

I went to my NEW psych yesterday....saw her for an hour....ONE hour and she diagnoses me as Bipolar (which I already knew that) PTSD (new to me) and an eating disorder....(also new to me) She took away the BPD that I have been diagnosed with FOR YEARS. Not that I so truly desire to be BPD....but how can someone just talk to you for an hour and decide "what"you are in an hour? I think it's a crock O' ****. I also found out that the previous Doc at this "pathways" place I have had to go to that is a place of stinky donkey dung had also diagnosed me as having ADHD...GOOD GOD...I am Narcoleptic...I cannot stay awake without my narcolepsy med...much less climb the walls like a rabid ape......

I fit the BPD criteria like you wouldn't believe. Every book seems to be written to and about me directly. Oh well...

Now she is beginning to remove meds on me...Woo hoo...let me become more unstable than I am, let me crash...God help everyone around me. I'm scared.

I wish I was not on disability..I wish I had my good insurance like I had before so I could see the better p-doc that I had before...that I had seen for years and years...She knew me inside and out...saw my moods...really really talked to me..I miss that.

I'm frustrated....

Wish me luck.......

Paranoia Will Destroy ya

Sep 16, 2008 - 0 comments


and everyone around ya.....I'm feeling a bit like that today....sure that Sean has cheated on me in the past even though he has always been where he says he has been (yep I have checked up)...I'm not saying anything to him though...thank god I can keep that under control (once in awhile). Otherwise he gets a bit upset. I have been so screwed over in the past though, I'm not sure if it's the feelings of that coming back, lack of trust or true gut feelings. I feel so crazy in the head sometimes...Like a top spinning out of control. My mind is so freaking scrambled.

Though basically stable moods have been so up and down lately, feeling so angry and then sad, then angry again. I am talking too much I think due to the narcolepsy med I am taking and in the middle of a conversation I suddenly feel so stupid, but I still can't stop talking.  I feel like beating my head against a wall. I'm not suicidal, that doesn't happen too often anymore. thank God for that too...but the feelings of destroying myself in some way comes to mind quite often and it's overwhelming at times.

I feel the only one I can truly trust is my friend Tami..who I rarely talk to anymore due to the distance between us since I moved and that hurts. Well, that's not really true..I tell my son everything...and he understands and is there for me always..we have an unbelievable bond and always will. Of course we have spent much of his life with just me and him alone so we have learned to only trust each other.

I am so glad I found this place though, venting here about true honest feelings and having no one to really judge, feels good...whether it is read or not...some of you may understand that these thoughts and feeling are not so abnormal for people like "us" and that we are still good people whether others want to believe that or not.

I want to stabilize so badly...Since I have been with Sean I have been better, the last 2 1/2 to 3 years have been much better, though we have had our issues thanks to is a strong support for me...telling me always to "never accept defeat" So I try hard not too. Though sometimes it is all too much to bear and I just need to sleep and try to make it all go away...

God, I talk too much...

I need more friends on here...I'm a loner in real life...I live like a hermit and have for the last 5 years. Refused to have friends, because I didn't want to be hurt by them...

Ok enough rambling....Next time I will post something a bit more cheerful....