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What the?

Sep 11, 2008 - 4 comments

Yesterday at work we had meeting just like every other week. We needed to go over good health issues and make sure we are all looking after ourselves blah blah blah. One of the topics that came up was mental health and I could feel myself becoming a little uneasy as my first thought was "they know" not much was said but I had a moment where I wanted to stand up and engage in a conversation about this and let them know what I deal with everyday of my life... I didn't though! I kept quiet and told myself "no they don't know, I am just paranoid"  

I'm bored at work at the moment and I feel I am not doing my best! I've gotten to the stage where I know my job to well but so scared to try something new. I hate the feeling you get when you get a new job, you feel stupid, your not going to understand or work out... but then I am bored. It pays my bills and its only 3 days a week which is perfect for me and where would I get this elsewhere?
I am damn good at it but I feel I am not giving it my best anymore...
What should I do?????

Living with Bipolar!!!

Sep 08, 2008 - 2 comments

I have today off and It is such a beautiful day outside, I have just come home from walking the kids to school and Took my Dog with for the walk also. I will also take him out a bit later in the day for a run around off the leash ( he loves that).
I made myself get up this morning I am feeling still not the best.... Not too bad but you know I have felt better, I seem to have a lot of anxiety at the moment and I don't know why?  
I reckon I will write down things l'd like to achieve short term and long term. The hard part will be putting it into action..
This year the focus has been on our holiday and we have had to of gone without alot due to saving... I really want to start scrap booking next year as this is something I have been wanting to do for ages... I sometimes feel I battle with myself and try to be something I am not anymore. As I am getting older I find I am more into myself and less of a social butterfly and I feel selfish that this is what I am turning into.. When I except that this is me and I am not the centre of attention I focus more, relax and feel content. I don't know what triggers my change but I find myself at times battling with who I am now and at times will go back to being a wild child (immature) why is this?????
I give so much to people and at times I expect so much from people, I can be disappointed  very easily and I can also disappoint.... I don't like getting close to too many people because I worry that I will flip and they will see a side to me that I hate.  People at work see me as this really easy going, easy to approach girl and I struggle to accept that.. Why? I sense other peoples mood and often take it on board and somehow will blame myself for their mood.... It must be my fault ( go figure)  I have gotten much better at telling myself how can this be my fault and you know everyone just like me cannot be happy all the time.  But I slip now and then and it consumes me.
I feel so much better getting that off my shoulder.  I have so much to say but I will leave it for another time...
Take care
bp13 xxx

living with bipolar

Sep 08, 2008 - 0 comments

Today I woke up and tried to think of an excuse to not go to work... I had last week off as I lost my voice and as my job is talking for most of the day I was not able to go in... I have anxiety and I feel nausea as well! I can feel my confidence going down and I am constantly telling myself that I hate my job...
I didn't really have a good day at work. I know it did not help with me talking negatively about going and being there, I just could not wait for tomorrow knowing I had the day off... I need to remind myself that I only work 3 days and I can do this.
I have so much on my mind at the moment and I really don't like where I am traveling... I have been having a few big weekends lately due to friends 40th and the party seems to never be ending..... I know alcohol is not good for me and is worse for me than for someone else and it brings my mood down really bad. I shouldn't of had drinks this sat with friends I should have been stronger and more responsible...
I feel drained, cloudy and shaky at the moment and the feeling is horrible. I need to get back on track again and stay focused, remember what is important to me and balance.... I want to give up smoking when I get back from holidays at the end of the year and make sure I commit myself to this, I feel I am aging big time... I walked the dog when I got home which was really nice, I always feel better after a walk it clears my head and I feel like I am in a good place.
Tomorrow what should I do?? take ids to school, walk the dog, clean the house, organise dinner for the family, go on the internet. I really enjoy this medhelp I find it is great speaking to others who also have this condition as not many people know I have this.. Only my close friends and family..
speak soon
bp13 xxx

living with Bipolar!

Sep 05, 2008 - 1 comments

Today I have woken up and first thought was "what's the point" The alarm is not set for anything and I have no plans, I think I will stay in bed.
Hang on a second let's think about this for a bit and then decide.. It's Saturday and yes I have no plans! Lets find something to do even if it is not that exciting...
Go online and read if anyone has responded to my post on MedHelp. Then what? Make the kids breakfast and put washing on ( gee exciting hey?) so far I am living and doing so far so good. Now what? Go and buy Dog food and put petrol in the car and buy a roast lamb for tomorrow nights dinner (father's day). After that will take the dog for a walk and then What?
Well I think I will take one step at a time.
Disaster -- My son has just walked in and mentioned that he cannot find our Dog who was playing with him and the other kids on the street... Looks like I will now need to go out there and call him so I can take him for a walk, as you see my plans do not always go the way I like and I need to except it and control the anxiety that will come with it.
Stay tuned !!!
Bp13 xxx