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A monster called paranoia (2/13/2011)

Feb 14, 2011 - 2 comments



























scared and exhausted


broken neck



They say that there is noting to fear but fear itself. Did they know the monster called paranoia.
Its not like the monster that ripped your heart out and ate it. No its much worse then that. It comes to you in moments where you think your safe. It reaches its hands deep into you. Feeling for just the right weakness, it whispers into your ear waiting for hopelessness to find you. When it finally says the right word your heart cries out and it drinks the tears. You Feel it beating fast and the monster laughs at you. It leans forward and says your heart its breaking I think its having an attack. Your mind fills with panic soon you begin to cry out but your words are silenced by the beast.

"It might be something but its nothing to everyone else." It digs its self into you deep as you begin to panic what do you do?
What can you do. How should you act. Soon the monsters very veins are mixing with yours its taking you deeper into the fear into the nightmare.

Perhaps you act you do something anything to make yourself think your all right. You push the monster away and it laughs telling you its had its way with you now and again but it will be back the moment you even feel a slight fear.

Now you sit with the doubt, the fear, and you feel drained. You wish for it all to be over you don't want to feel this way. You may even tell yourself its gone and maybe if you do this or that it won't happen again.

One day you feel the fear it spoke of and it comes back. With each time it changes you little by little until see the monster and call it a demon. You ask "What are you", "What is your name" but it only smiles.

On that day you fight it and wrestle with it. You attempt to kill it to drive it away. You take your blade and stab it. The monster smiles and with that it leans in on you in a almost ghost like movement. as it leans on your shoulder it whispers

I am you!

With that the monster vanishes you feel faint. You feel weak, numb. You collapse to the ground only then do you see that it was you who was stabbed.
by matthew d

I'm paranoid and at times it shows me the monster deep within me. It comes at night to bring fear into my heart.

January 31, 2011 (Doing good only to suffer)

Jan 31, 2011 - 3 comments

I tired so hard to be in a good mood to be supportive for someone else you needed it and now it has left me depressed and full of anxiety. What if I fail school (this has never happened ever), What if I die and no one remember a sad scared artist, What if my beliefs are wrong and I am damned, What if I never find a lover, What if I go crazy, and it just goes on the repetitive bad thoughts I feel as though I got nothing done today. I feel that there is no hope. I dont' mean to be a monster but I cannot help it.

Then I take a deep breathe and I try to find something I can do Something that will set me free from this worry but I dont have any drive all I want to do are things that get me no where perhaps I will put on some music and just go crazy at a art program.

The thought it have you ever tryed to be there for other and then felt drained but what if you where the cause of there need to have someone then it would be your resposibilty right but now I just feel a bit on the crazy side.

In good news I have a nice hot cup of chamomile tea here to drink. We are still just barely balancing on the edge but if  everything works out well make it. All we need to do is be able to make it though next month's bills. I just need a little more hope and ill be better

untitled by Matthew L D (story)

Jan 18, 2011 - 1 comments










I wrote this its just what came to me. I hope you enjoy reading it.

I laid there feeling the cold rain pour down upon me. I thought to myself Why? Why here, why now?I could feel my tear run down my face. I only felt those tears over the rain because of there warmth. It felt good amougst all the pain I was feeling it felt good to cry. As The feeling of pain faded the darkness came rushing it. People often said this moment would be so hard so full of fear and pain but it wasn't. It was peaceful. I felt the darkness cover me like a blanket and then once all the light had faded all the pain was gone as well. It was as if the whole world was gone and with it all the sorrow and pain. As I laid there in the darkness I felt my body become cold motionless and then I couldn't move. There was no tingling no numb feeling it was just gone. My eyes still moved but its was different strange somehow it didn't move but I could change where I was looking. All around me was this darkness it again was not fritening at all instead it gave a comfort and it made me think about all the good times.  As I contiued to fall deeper I could only think about the life I had lived what with all the good and the bad times they were so vivid to me. Now I had come to the bottom or I asum it is the bottom. There was no falling, but I still could not move. Then at that moment my heart grew heavy and It came to me. Why All this had happened what all lead to this moment. My heart so bad I felt broken I felt ashamed. I had done so many wrongs in my life and this was it this was my death.

“Good morning students” said Ms. Gardner
“Good morning” replied the class in a slugish manner. It crappy day I was that person no one really cared about the one that was absent from the world. I did the work and then when it came to lunch I sat alone looking out on the world from a upper floor window. People seemed so happy down there people seem so cheerful. But not me. The world was a grey mesh of pain and sadness. Not that I lived some horrid life but I was lonely, sad, and simply not understood. In high school I was no one. Just that fat kid in the corner who didn't talk much. The few friend I had where the rejects that no one else wanted. They were good people and like me they were misunderstood. In middle I was no one I was so in my shell I would just be alone. So lunch would end I would go to some classes and then head home. Home was a fairly normal place. Fighting here and there constently asked who would I pick and a struggle of funds. I would retreat to my room. It was the only place that felt like my own. It was the only place I was happy. The space defined who I was a person with so much to say but just no way to show it. So then how you may ask how did It come to my death well that was  coming to you see. No one can escape this world and it was going to catch up with me. I was at school the next day something felt off maybe it was the air or simply the fact I woke up at five in the morning hours before I usually did with no alarm clock at that. I was walking from my class to my usually sitting spot and there it was a scene I just can't describe. Such horror such pain. Why would some one do something like this. Moment like this everything in you tells you to run get help anything so your not facing this on your own. Maybe it was the fact that this persons life was in danger and didnt have that time. Perhaps it was because this was my place and it was being solid. The darkness of this world had come to my place a place of refugee from it all a place were I dont feel alone.  Well what every “it” was I was going to act againist everything in my body and try to save this person from there death. ME the person no one knows. The person who gets treated like crap while this persons friends and other people ignored the situation I will be the person to act. I rushed in the crowd of people with a tackle I didn't even know what I was doing and for a second they didnt either. The way I had came was a no go. So I did another stupid thing I took this endangered person with me down and out the window. Boy it was more of a fall then I had expected. It must of broke every bone in my body. Or perhaps that was the weight of the person falling onto me. Peoples screamed around me and the person got up off me, crying out for help. I tried to move but it was no use my body was no more. At that moment it began to rain and then you know the rest.

I felt the all this pain and I tried to cry but no tears came why had I done that. I would still be alive if I would have not done that. I would have been fine. A light came pouring though the darkness and a hand followed by a being it took the form of someone close to me. It was you. You held your hand out to me. You were the first being to reach out to me to care enough. I tried to reach my hand out to you. I tried to extend my hand to you. But It would not give, and I cried out but no sound came from my now life less body. But Then you smiled at me. Such a warm kind smile it pour this warmth into me and then I felt it. I felt my soul, spirit, what every you want to call it lift from my body and with it all the pain of my life faded. I took your hand and you pulled  me into the light. You showed me love and kindness. You freed me. I was happy and I was not alone.


Every where you look you see pained souls. Every where you see me. Perhaps I will give my life for you but all I need for you to save my life is to extend your hand and give me a smile.

Death- by Matthew L D.

I hate people

Jan 13, 2011 - 6 comments

Last night I was at wendy's and some stupid teens or something thought it would be fun to yell I hate fat people! The assholes! They got away with it to and it just makes me so mad it bubbles this anger this hate inside me. I wanted to jump up and throw them out the window or something. But what upsets me more that if those kids would have been "I hate black people or jews". O every one would have gotten up and done something. If it would have been racial or sexist remarks some one would have said something back. But no its funny when people certain people like crap.  Who knows there may have been a news report. So then when people lose it and kill other people. O I dont know why they did it. We only called them a *insert some rude remark" one every day for years of there life.  Yea that gay kid killed himself why... o I dont know because no one could show him an ounce of kindness... wait what that people are putting his face on boards and saying god hates gays thank god for gays killing them selves. It was gods punishment WTF.

When does it end when do we go you can't say those things about people. but weve done this forever dont you see. Well this persons a witch. "how can you tell", "well to test her we drown her if she lives then shes a witch" "wait what?"  

Crazy is contagious.

it has gone on forever. We think we moving ahead but were still just doing the same stuff we where doing back then. I think my dad is right the day we love each other for who we are is when theres something threatening all of us at once. then once thats over well go back to war.

I guess this is a rant and if it gets removed thats fine I'm just upset thats all I'm tired of people treating me like crap when i go out of my way to me nice and kind to others. or maybe I'm a fool who does the same **** and just doesnt realize it. well this has been a ticked off moment by me