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Plugging Along

Jan 27, 2009 - 1 comments

I had to get up at the crack of dawn to take my cat into the vet to get fixed. It was a terrible night.  I went to bed pretty early without any issues, but because the cat was in heat, she made things rather difficult for me.  Everytime I went to sleep she would be on me trying to wake me up.  Anyway, just when I drifted off into a great sleep, the alarm got me up and away we went.  So now I'm home and feeling foggy.  I'm thinking about just going back to bed for a few hours to see if I can shake some of these foggy feelings.

I had a few pretty good days before today though and that gives me hope.  Yesterday I went grocery shopping and worked in my studio for a few hours.  I was getting really scared at my lack of focus on my art projects.  I told a good friend that I thought I had lost all of my talent when I stopped taking the Tramadol.  I know now that I'm only having some w/d issues as far as depression and concentration goes.  When I feel good, I want to be back doing my art, but when I'm at my worst, I could care less if I ever set foot in there again.  I hate that feeling.  It scares me because my work is one of the only things that kept me going during my worst times on the Tramadol.  I'm trying to tell myself that I have to relearn how to do things that I once did under the influence of this drug.  I don't know how I did anything to tell you the truth.  All I know is that I want to be productive again!

I had a few days where I didn't sneeze much at all.  Today I've made up for it all in just a few hours of being awake.  Again I think it has to do with my lack of  a restful sleep and being forced to get up real early.  I have NEVER been a morning person, so there's no sense in forcing that issue..ha-ha!  I'm still dealing with some annoying stomach/bowel issues and I wonder if I will ever be the same in that department?  For now, I could take an Imodium every day and be good.  I just don't know how healthy that is.  I'm trying to eat well, but it seems the better I eat the worse it gets.  Oh well, at least I'm off of the Tram still and I do see a light some where down the tunnel.  It's slow, but I hope to get there some day.

Feeling Terrible Again

Jan 24, 2009 - 5 comments

I had a few really great days and I know I should be thankful, but today has been terrible.  I think I might have over done on the days I was feeling better.  Yesterday was cleaning house and then a trip to the mall.  I NEVER go to the mall!  I hate shopping more than anything usually.  But it was my daughter's birthday and we had promised her we would go.  I really did well and felt better than I had in ages.  Today, however has been bad.  

I woke up early and that drives me crazy on the weekends.  I want to be able to sleep in when given the chance.  Of course it didn't happen and I tried to go back to bed a few times, but sleep never came.  Today was the day we were having a big party for my daughter's b-day, so I HAD to get up and start getting things ready.  I cried for several hours just trying to get myself together.  I HATE the w/d symptoms from this drug!  I feel like I am bipolar most of the time now.  One day I'm happier than anything with lots of energy and the next I am so low the worms won't even crawl with me.  I cried over every song I heard, every commercial I saw, and every thought of how great I was  yesterday and how bad I am today.  

I pulled myself together long enough to greet the kids and their parents, serve cake and icecream, take some photos and then I turned the show over to my husband.  I came to my room and here I have been since.  That was 5 hours ago.  I didn't have it in me to go say good bye to any one.  I feel so anti-social again and don't want to talk to anyone.  How can this be?  I was happy and excited to be out yesterday with normal people.  

Today I had a ton of self hate.  I haven't felt that since around day 3 of my taper.  I can't even stand to look at myself in the mirror. I don't recognize myself anymore.  The amount of time I wasted hiding behind the pain and the robot tramadol made me become is more time than I can count. I quit caring about how I looked and had to spend more time dealing with the pain this **** caused me.  Now all I can think about is how to get the weight off. It will be easy if ONLY I can have more good days than bad days.  

I had the "out of body" thing going on all day until around 3:30 pm.  The foggy/groggy feeling was terrible.  The headache was awful and my emotions were out of control!  I know this is all normal, but right now I'm just mad about it all.  I'm missing important events STILL, even though I'm off this stupid drug.  I'm still hiding because I'm fat and I don't want people to judge me.  Before I was off the tram, I could care less what people thought, though I pretty much stayed home because it was too painful to do anything.  Now I can't stand how I look and I'm MAD!!  

Will tomorrow be better?  I sure do hope so.  I have work to get done and deadlines to be made.  I have dreams of getting myself back together and getting on with the weight loss thing.  Right now I just feel stuck in a never ending battle.

Finally a few good days

Jan 21, 2009 - 0 comments

I actually got up today and went to the grocery store for the first time since last week!  I am VERY happy to report that I didn't feel like I was going to die this week.  I truly think I'm getting better day by day (most of the time).  I got up early and was out the door by 9:45 am and back by 11:00.  I had more energy today than I've had in ages.  I can't even believe the feeling!  Even if I only had a few days like this a month, it would be better than any of the days I had on Tramadol.  I never thought I'd be saying that.

My anxiety issues seem to be getting much better.  I didn't feel like everyone was out to get me like last week.  My moodiness is much better today.  I can tell a HUGE difference compared to last week.  Last week at this time I thought I might never be able to leave the house again in fear of the anxiety and triedness I was constantly feeling.  

Yesterday I left the house as well, but still had a bit of a fuzzy feeling in my head.  Today it feels more clear than it has in so long.  It truly is a miracle in the making.  Even if it's just one day, I know that the struggle to rid myself of this evil drug has been for the better.  

Sleeping is much better now as well.  I used to get up several times a night on the Tram because I was in so much pain and would end up having to take more just to get back to sleep.  I've been sleeping for longer periods of time without waking up.  To roll out of bed in the morning without the pain has made me feel lilke a teenager again.  How did I not know that the Tram was making me so sick?

Day 6

Jan 20, 2009 - 0 comments

I'm really dragging butt!  I've only had one or two some what good days since I've been totally off of the Tram.  I'm so annoyed at how random it is that on my really bad days, my mind starts telling me that I was better on the Tramadol than I am off.  Right now I feel like I have nothing to look forward to without the thought of having some relief of my pain issues when they flare up.  I know, I pain issues are so much better than they were before, BUT I am so tired all of the time.  I used to just take some Tramadol when I felt like this and it would at least help me get through the worst parts of my day.  

Tonight my legs are KILLING me!  I've done all of my usual tricks to settle them down, but nothing seems to be helping.  I'm almost sure I'm going to have to go sit in a hot bath soon in order to get any sleep.  They didn't hurt all day until this evening, so I guess I'm lucky there.

Yesterday was a depressing day.  I just never know how my mood is going to be.  One minute I'm fine and the next I feel like I"m going to kill over.  Not really pain, just fatigue and depression.  Today I was able to snap out of it pretty well and get lots of my work done, but tonight the leg pain is the biggest issue.

So as it stands on Day 6 of Tramadol Free Living, my major complaints are:

Let pain, restless legs that hurt really bad
Headache off and on
Low energy
Some sneezing but that seems to be getting better
Still cold at times through out the day
Sleeping seems to be hit or miss

Well, I'm off to get in the bath tub to try to get my legs to settle down.  More tomorrow!