I had a few really great days and I know I should be thankful, but today has been terrible. I think I might have over done on the days I was feeling better. Yesterday was cleaning house and then a trip to the mall. I NEVER go to the mall! I hate shopping more than anything usually. But it was my daughter's birthday and we had promised her we would go. I really did well and felt better than I had in ages. Today, however has been bad.
I woke up early and that drives me crazy on the weekends. I want to be able to sleep in when given the chance. Of course it didn't happen and I tried to go back to bed a few times, but sleep never came. Today was the day we were having a big party for my daughter's b-day, so I HAD to get up and start getting things ready. I cried for several hours just trying to get myself together. I HATE the w/d symptoms from this drug! I feel like I am bipolar most of the time now. One day I'm happier than anything with lots of energy and the next I am so low the worms won't even crawl with me. I cried over every song I heard, every commercial I saw, and every thought of how great I was yesterday and how bad I am today.
I pulled myself together long enough to greet the kids and their parents, serve cake and icecream, take some photos and then I turned the show over to my husband. I came to my room and here I have been since. That was 5 hours ago. I didn't have it in me to go say good bye to any one. I feel so anti-social again and don't want to talk to anyone. How can this be? I was happy and excited to be out yesterday with normal people.
Today I had a ton of self hate. I haven't felt that since around day 3 of my taper. I can't even stand to look at myself in the mirror. I don't recognize myself anymore. The amount of time I wasted hiding behind the pain and the robot tramadol made me become is more time than I can count. I quit caring about how I looked and had to spend more time dealing with the pain this **** caused me. Now all I can think about is how to get the weight off. It will be easy if ONLY I can have more good days than bad days.
I had the "out of body" thing going on all day until around 3:30 pm. The foggy/groggy feeling was terrible. The headache was awful and my emotions were out of control! I know this is all normal, but right now I'm just mad about it all. I'm missing important events STILL, even though I'm off this stupid drug. I'm still hiding because I'm fat and I don't want people to judge me. Before I was off the tram, I could care less what people thought, though I pretty much stayed home because it was too painful to do anything. Now I can't stand how I look and I'm MAD!!
Will tomorrow be better? I sure do hope so. I have work to get done and deadlines to be made. I have dreams of getting myself back together and getting on with the weight loss thing. Right now I just feel stuck in a never ending battle.