All Journal Entries Journals
Sort By:  

Ending Temp Job, Interviewing for First Acct Job

Mar 01, 2015 - 0 comments

This past Friday was my last day at the temp job as Interim Residency Coordinator for my college's Pediatric program.  I really enjoyed the job and had very few duties the last few weeks of my employment.  I got an interview on Monday through asking an old professor for a reference.  It's for an accounting job at a radiologist's office.  I'm excited but a bit nervous.  Even if I get the job, my fear is that I am unqualified.  I'm glad to have a couple of reference letters and multiple other offers for them.  I remember the reference letter from my last job, which pretty much gave one line: "He is good at networking and Microsoft Excel."  Obviously, that one hit the trash can a few months after receiving it, which was a few months longer than it should have been.

All I can say is that I am so grateful for my life, the people in it, the change that God is making in me.  While it is very hard for me, I try to treat every day as a gift.  I am trying to improve myself by praying more, listening more before I speak, knowing when to speak and the right things to say while doing so.

I've found peace in a lot of ways in my life.  I'm going to support meetings 3 out of 7 days a week and should be beginning a Step meeting sometime shortly on Sundays.  I can listen to people without judging them as much as I would have before.  I'm learning about my inner dialogue and how to change the things that give me a hard time.

I had some trouble with my medicines and not feeling particularly happy.  I definitely don't think the changes to my meds, including the timing, was a negative effect.  On Friday, I spoke with my p-doc about any changes.  He suggested once again upping the Lamictal, this time to 400mg.  Haha I'll admit I began to get suspicious GlaxoSmithKline was paying him money to prescribe me more.  I asked if we could up the Wellbutrin.  He said their fear was me getting 'high' from the increased dose, but that Wellbutrin was not known to do this as much as other meds like Zoloft.  I got him to agree to increase the Wellbutrin quite a bit.

But back to the peace.  Right now I'm listening to a friend who has had some trouble with the law and anger issues.  I'm happy to know how to not give advice but bear witness to the changes that have occurred in my life.  If he wants to know, I'll let him know it was God's path that got me here.  Through everything, from CBT to learning to about Bipolar and self-esteem.  Learning how to deal with pain and reduce the suffering that can come along with it has really helped me a lot.  I'm listening to him praise my efforts and the changes he sees in me now, which makes me so proud and humbled at the same time.  I'd say humbled. :)  Have a great day world, and future me haha

thought about this as a thread

Dec 01, 2014 - 0 comments
Tags:

Bipolar

,

Depression

,

sadness

,

apathy

,

apathetic

,

Lamictal

,

wellbutrin



Found life is pretty tough lately.  At a new job I like.  Once again I'm apathetic.  Brain Fog.  80% clean house.  Completely inactive other than maybe 5 minutes a day.  Can't stop feeling mild depression.  Months and months of mild depression seems to drive me crazier than a week of horrid depression and a swing back.  Seeing a girl, who is pretty much agnostic.  We relate in many other ways, i.e. music and humor.  She's kind.  My masseuse from the chiropractor I'm visiting from my car wreck.  She asked me out and things went on from there.  Started about 2 weeks ago.  Already feel like I'm loosing the strength of my faith, which was one of the only things I had left to hold onto mentally.  Normal physical life is not so bad.  Forgot to pay for insurance, so uninsured another month.  Need to visit psychiatrist.  Really want my mood stabilizer reduced so that I can feel the effects of the Wellbutrin.  Sick of it.  Can't stand just settling on my mood.  Sighing, "...this works." isn't a very happy life for me.  I am so used to being ecstatic, enjoying the thrills of life.  Enjoying relationships.  Feeling something when I hug someone.  I'm so afraid to complain because of my religion, but I've been told to make it clear when something affects me- after all, could that be wrong?  I feel sad.  I feel disconnected with every relationship, even my close family members who I trust so much and love so greatly.  I don't know how long it has gone this way, I'm thinking over a half a year.  I was speaking to my Pdoc in April about this issue.  She said I was pretty much maxed out on Wellbutrin at 300mg.  The best option, she said, was to reduce the Lamictal down from the 200mg.

Does anyone have any thoughts, concerns, or encouragements?

Dream

Nov 07, 2014 - 0 comments

I had an interesting dream tonight that led to an epiphany.  

I was at a college, not ECU, waiting for a friend to meet with.  Characters transform in dreams.  This particular one was a girl talking about wanting to hide from an old man in her dorms who lived there.  The answer for that question was to grow an 'invasive' plant in front of the window of his room, which had a glass window near the door handle.  The plant was blackish-grey, and really ugly.  It looked something like a thick vine with kudzu leaves.

Anyway, I end up going into the classroom that my friend, who now became my friend Bree, and sitting in on the class.  It was a class about plants, where we discussed different types of plants.  I remember I sat in the front of the class of 30-40 students and silently came up with some of the answers in my head due to my love of horticulture.

After the class, I was out in the halls in what was now both the school and dorms.  It was kind of like a relaxed atmosphere somewhere between being either.  Anyway- people were really nice and friendly in this dream.  I felt warm and remember not feeling afraid to smile or be myself.  I recall seeing my good friend, my best friend Chuck.  He is an artistic person who has a very open and loving attitude.  The summarized my experience in the halls that day.  I spoke with a friend in the hall about the difference between this school and the school of business that I had attended, making gestures of robotic like movement to represent my previous college that I attended.  I just saw such a huge contrast.

I ended up working my way around a few hallways adjacent.  I wanted to return to my friend Bree's dorm room in the building so that I could meet up with her before we lost each other.  Walking through some double doors, I am suddenly jolted as I am pushed back into the previous room.  The doors slammed as someone yelled, "No, get back!"  I was first puzzled, and then infuriated.  A couple of workers, whom I assume were professors or staff at the university, told me that I was not allowed to go through the doors.  I stood and imagined where I wanted to be.  I began yelling, questioning why I couldn't go through.  I was suddenly separated from the person and environment I wanted to be in.  I cursed and yelled until the man who had pushed me through the doors, who was large and tall, heavy-set yet intimidating, instructed the other two or three staff members, "OKAY!  You want to come in?!  Let him in!"  I took around two steps into the next room, which was now a large open library-type room, and the man attacked me.  He picked me up by the backside of my waistband as my underwear ripped and tore through my backside and shook me violently.  I remember being horizontal to the ground and he yelled something through his teeth and shook me.  I remember it being so painful.  A different staff member, who happened to appear to be my soccer coach from childhood, Mr. Creech, tried to intervene once I was dropped to the floor from a few feet up.  He stood as a flank to my attacker, who had now picked up a full-sized couch and tried to throw it at me.  It hit a bookcase as it spun high in the air, landing close to Mr. Creech.  He tried to calm the man.  I remember feeling the sheer pain and emotional damage of what had just happened.  I laid there crippled from his attack as he threatened me and jeered.  I remember feeling truly helpless as I lay there, my mercy depending on the thoughts of this attacker and somewhat of what Mr. Creech could do to deflect his attack.

So, this is when I woke up.  I was breathing hard and sweating quite a bit on my back and face.  I rarely have dreams progress to nightmares before they become lucid and I wake myself up.  I could tell I just woke up from a deep sleep.  Sure enough, it had been about 4-5 hours since I had gone to sleep.  I could just tell from the depth I woke up from.

Suddenly, I longed for the human interaction and warmth that I had experienced in the halls before this horrible moment.

It dawned on me how cold and heartless people in general, throughout the entire world, seemed to me.  I suddenly thought of cell-phones, blank demeanors, and the world of self-contained individuals that I lived among.

I thought, "I don't want to be a part of that."

I think I live at the extreme end of that isolation, and it forms anxiety when I imagine everyone else being on that side of the fence.

I thought, "well, why am I on Facebook or messing around with technology instead of that warmth?  I remember being amongst a different world, walking among inviting and kind people.'

I suddenly thought of the way I fill huge voids and timespans within my life.  I spend up to 10 hours a day with the TV on, sometimes from morning until the moment I go to sleep.  I never read.  I say I have no time for things like weight-lifting, running, and reading.  I say I have no time to be social or to live a healthy life.

I suddenly thought what I could do in my own life.  I know I can't change what everyone else is doing, but realized I change so little of what I can change as far as myself.  

I decided I need an intervention in my life as far as technology and healthy living is concerned.  I need to drop the Facebook status-checks and reliance on a received text message to make my day.  My day is missing so much more than this so-called social-networking and a cell-phone can provide me.

I want to read.  I want time alone to truly be time alone, not a state of suspended animation I use to stall my life yet another day.  I don't want to wait around for life to come to me anymore.  I feel like I'm loosing my intelligence as I type words and don't know the spelling of them.  I never read- I think of all the books I begin with good intentions and never finish.  It is not that I am uncapable of finishing them, which I always blamed on my bipolar or ADD (chose your poison).  It is that I am distracted from a beautiful and warm world by a false reality that is infinitely easier to achieve.  I spend so much time missing the healthy parts of life.

I have time for those things.  I especially do since I am unemployed and have relatively little stress compared to what my life normally entails.

I immediately think of heaven when I place my heart back into that dream.  Those hallways.  My good friend Charles and his warmth.  He happens to be my only friend from highschool that I have deep religious connections to.  I believe he is a Mennonite, or that is how he was raised.  The person I have gotten to know closely throughout life who had deep religious conviction.  I'll admitted he was also someone who was a self-admitted a user of various substances.  Still, I judge my friends by who they are, not by what they do.

I want to be in that world that I longed for in my dream, that I felt I had missed out on my entire life.  I think the best way to get there, is to live my life entirely differently.  I am a little scared I will be overwhelmed, like I was working at this job before where I felt I had no time and nothing but stress in my life.  That was a rare situation, one that is very exceptional.  I had never heard someone else tell me about their job being that stressful, that is other than Debbie at work who experienced about 1/5 the responsibility and stress that I did.  I lay here in bed, listening to the Flume remix of Slasherr, wondering how I can make this a reality.

I immediately thought of how I could limit my internet and TV usage.  I think of the time I waste wanting to watch TV with my family as opposed to laughing and recounting stories with them.  The part I liked of watching TV with them was laughing together.  I only got tired of sitting at the dinner table, well, from being tired of sitting at the dinner table.  Maybe we could be going on a walk or a bike ride and laughing.  There are so many other things that we can do in the world than sit and watch TV.  I could be honing in social skills and proving to myself that the world can be a warm and kind place.  I could have a different life, if I worked hard enough at it.  My wife is out there, my career is out there, my friendships are out there. Satisfaction is out there, but I'll never know what it could be by wandering from my world into theirs- I'll always get lost.  It will seem too foreign to me.  I can live a normal life it I put in the effort.  Perhaps I can learn to leave the selfishness of my own projects and desires.  Maybe it will lead to me not having guilt about pursuing my interests- I will have earned them instead of  using time stolen from a healthy life.

I truly see my dream as me wanting to be in heaven.  Now, the characters all make so much more sense.  I want to get back to a loving world.  My friend Bree is just like that.  I can't really remember one offense.  She is the type of person I appreciate.  Yes, we don't really get to spend much time together- especially now that she is dating someone.  But, she never treats me as  a distant friend.  We are close friends who just happen to be seperated for extended periods of time.  That environment kind of embodies Chuck and her.  It was the culmunation of the personality traits of those two people that I liked.  They are two people who live outside of the electronic world to a great extent.  I'd love to have their peace and enjoyment.  I resolve to make it there.

FIred and car accident

Oct 24, 2014 - 0 comments

Was fired last week.  Somewhat relieved.   My only problem is I have no one my age to talk to other than my brother and sister.  All my 'friends' are really faint aquaintances.  The kind who rarely answer a text or phone call, but are quick to excuse themselves for any fault.  I don't go around accusing everyone anymore, but sometimes I really wish I could.  I am not going to wait around to be the puzzle-piece friend in someone's life-- only allowed around when it's a good fit.

I got in a car accident almost two weeks ago.  Today I saw a lawyer, as I'm not planning on going along with the low-ball settlement their insurance will try to give me.  I t-boned someone who should have given me the right of way on a busy road.

I continue to go to my Faithful Recovery meetings.  I feel so connected with those people the hour or so I am there.  It seems so different than AA.  I wish I could just find someone in the world for me.  I rarely find anyone around me I feel like I can connect with.  Being alone in my apartment is driving me insane.

That's all, folks.