Sep 23, 2014
I feel so worn out and apathetic. I almost cringe every time I think about this meeting that I have on Wednesday. Fortunately, I am meeting with a former professor who specializes in ethics (bigtime) tomorrow to discuss the poor ethics of my workplace and what it could mean for my career. It is unfortunate that I am getting paid around twice as much as any other job I've held before.
I feel a conspiracy coming on, so I have begun to devise a plan to record the majority of conversations that occur around me. I'm being written up for basically not committing fraud. I am so unsure how to go about catching up on all the budget work I've never performed before. I feel as though my supervisor is closing in on me, trying to get me in trouble if things aren't working out. I am hoping to make a miraculous comeback before they can hit me with anything.
The worst part is not knowing. I have not relied on praying and my daily meditations to get through things. It is very surreal to be in another phase of isolation new to my life. I have a weekly meeting for my sobriety, and that is 99% of my socialization. Talking to people at work can be fun, but only if I forget to take my mood stabilizer and become high. This has happened maybe one time a month, so I'm not exactly a social butterfly. I am unsure about what people think of me in the office. I have finally shown some resistance to being a 'yes man'. I just wish I was trained properly, I never got behind, and nothing unethical was going on. That, and I wish my office wasn't connected to my boss'. I think it makes it difficult to have someone listen in on every conversation I have- and then be told trail and error is my best bet. How does it make me look when I have someone exploding on me when I made a small mistake? I continue to wonder about what is going on in other's heads because I have come to the conclusion I've lost control of my own. I am pretty much basing my self-worth on the people who surround me- none. I view distance and lack of involvement from others as a loss of value, character, and worth of myself. I have no idea how to go about healing my knee from this ACL surgery- it seems to be going backwards in the healing process. It pops all the time and I am really struggling during physical therapy. Stretching it wasn't too hard, but strengthening it is horrible,
The oxymoron is wanting to lay around until I am not lonely and depressed. It feels like a neverending cycle.