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Work depressing

Sep 23, 2014 - 0 comments

I feel so worn out and apathetic.  I almost cringe every time I think about this meeting that I have on Wednesday.  Fortunately, I am meeting with a former professor who specializes in ethics (bigtime) tomorrow to discuss the poor ethics of my workplace and what it could mean for my career.  It is unfortunate that I am getting paid around twice as much as any other job I've held before.  

I feel a conspiracy coming on, so I have begun to devise a plan to record the majority of conversations that occur around me.  I'm being written up for basically not committing fraud.  I am so unsure how to go about catching up on all the budget work I've never performed before.  I feel as though my supervisor is closing in on me, trying to get me in trouble if things aren't working out.  I am hoping to make a miraculous comeback before they can hit me with anything.

The worst part is not knowing.  I have not relied on praying and my daily meditations to get through things.  It is very surreal to be in another phase of isolation new to my life.  I have a weekly meeting for my sobriety, and that is 99% of my socialization.  Talking to people at work can be fun, but only if I forget to take my mood stabilizer and become high.  This has happened maybe one time a month, so I'm not exactly a social butterfly.  I am unsure about what people think of me in the office.  I have finally shown some resistance to being a 'yes man'.  I  just wish I was trained properly, I never got behind, and nothing unethical was going on.  That, and I wish my office wasn't connected to my boss'.  I think it makes it difficult to have someone listen in on every conversation I have- and then be told trail and error is my best bet.  How does it make me look when I have someone exploding on me when I made a small mistake?  I continue to wonder about what is going on in other's heads because I have come to the conclusion I've lost control of my own.  I am pretty much basing my self-worth on the people who surround me- none.  I view distance and lack of involvement from others as a loss of value, character, and worth of myself.  I have no idea how to go about healing my knee from this ACL surgery- it seems to be going backwards in the healing process.  It pops all the time and I am really struggling during physical therapy.  Stretching it wasn't too hard, but strengthening it is horrible,

The oxymoron is wanting to lay around until I am not lonely and depressed.  It feels like a neverending cycle.  

One year sobriety (exact moment)

Sep 14, 2014 - 0 comments

Yes.  Is my 364th day of complete sobriety, but if you went back 8760 hours... I am a year sober

Panic Anger Frustration

Aug 25, 2014 - 2 comments

My job is destroying my time, mind, and sanity.  Just spent 13.5 hours doing work-related things,  No one in this entire college works as hard as I do.  Its like building a bridge with Chinese instructions when a train is about to hit the river.

July 26, 1 month after hired

Jul 26, 2014 - 0 comments

Well, things are going pretty well.  Sleep is getting back to normal.  Cleaning my apartment after getting disgusted with the OCD clutter and disorganization.  Had my mother over today.  She helped me finish up these chairs I have been restoring to sell, a process that has gone on for about 8 months now.  Just needed to finish the cushions and sand/paint a little more.  They are taking up some serious real estate in my 600 square foot apartment.  Anyway, got some great spray for the water bugs outside.  It overwhelms me going onto my back porch unarmed to be met by a party of two inch roaches.  Yuck.  I've been working out this week- every day but two (including today since I was busy cleaning).  Spent a lot of time worrying about logistics of where to put things.  My kitchen and one tiny linen closet are the two main areas of concern.  I bought some large storage containers.  So, I went to an all Christian support meeting.  The leader seemed to have a lot of good things to say about AA, claiming it had helped him begin his 20 year stint of sobriety.  I kind of came around to my AA sponsor telling him that I was sure I would want to visit sometime in the future and that I just wasn't ready to dive in the deep end.  He seemed to be really cool about it and understood that my religious side was why I wasn't so into treating AA like my church.  I think things at work are going reasonably well.  Kind of taking on more responsibility now, which is hard because I have no training and no idea if someone's problem they bring me is something that I have the authority to fix.  Most of the time, it is something I am supposed to do but have no idea I am responsible for it (after never being trained or exposed to it).   I decided today that I really need to get rid of most of my thousand records.  I rarely listen to them... and don't really use the turntables much since I have stopped drinking and smoking.  Oh well.  Guitar is more fun for me right now anyway.  It is a challenge that you can overcome with a lot of practice.  Also, don't have to stand up the whole time!  I'm going to get going and call a sober friend for the first time.  Mood is pretty stable lately.  Sleep was getting better but Saturdays I usually end up napping for about 5 hours straight.  At least I am getting to bed between 11 and 12 most nights now, since I get up at 6:30 every weekday.  I'll be around more hopefully.  Talk to you soon.