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Feb 20, 2014 - 0 comments

Well, I'm back-- albeit briefly.  I am soon to start day 9 of my crutches (during this second go 'round).  Leg has shrunk considerably.  Feels pretty wobbly to walk on.  The first time I was back on my feet and walking within about 5 or 6 days.  I fear what happened will leave some permanent mark on my physical health.  Getting around the apartment is hard, but getting better.  I guess I should say I'm becoming more efficient and skilled.  It is wearing me down though.  Just taking a plate of food and a drink somewhere becomes an event.  Something like shaving in front of a mirror is impossible without dragging a stool into the bathroom-- which obstructs my doorway and sink as I leave it there.  I'm too unmotivated to drag it back and forth.  Today was warm outside, started out with rain.  The idea of getting to class was scary.  I drove to a nearby college-age complex and took the bus.  Fortunately, my 150 yard crutch walk occurred within a brief recess from the rain, and I didn't get too many stares as I approached the long street leading up to the stop.  I thought it was pretty funny when everyone just shoved their way to the front of some ill-formed lines, and I just stood there with the crutches amazed that no one really seemed to care.  I was happy that I actually got a seat.  So I got to class and once again my teacher asks how I am doing and stuff.  I am much less depressed than I was a few days ago.  It seemed to be gone like the today's thunderstorms; gone in an instant on Monday before my first audit accounting test.  I'm hoping I did reasonably well, it didn't feel like I was failing it.  I had to guess on maybe 15% of it though.  I really want an A in that class-- my goal is to get a 4.0 this semester.  It is my last semester in my undergraduate degree, and I hope I can look back to me fighting through my 1.5 GPA in community college to get where I am now.

Well, so yeah.  My knee feels horrible in a weak way.  I look down and don't recognize it.  I think I injured it over a month ago-- Jan 17th.  From the looks of it, it has shrunk considerably.  Even worse, I have no idea where it is as far as strength.  I can't tell if it is the MCL or miniscus, or just my weak knee muscles from only walking 50% of the last month.  Only now am I reading the types of exercises I should be doing in bed.  I'm confused about what to do.  My first ortho was supposed to be scheduled for tomorrow.  Monday of last week, I figured it would be better by tomorrow and I would have cancelled it.  But no, I decided maybe it was really messed up this time, and received a letter in the mail saying they regretfully had to push my appointment back two weeks.  I have an appointment next Tuesday with another orthopedic surgeon, who operated on my father's heel about a year ago.  Hopefully that will give me some answers.  I really just don't know who to ask.  It does hurt to walk in some respects.  I've spent about 60 seconds out of the last week walking-- just trying it out.  I get frustrated that I don't know why it is so weak this time, compared to the first injury.  The second time, it hurt too.  My first injury did not hurt after it happened.  My knee just didn't work whatsoever and kept collapsing.  I am at least down to about one, maybe two hydrocodone pills a day.  I get nervous when I feel a little lightheaded from them.  All I can do is imagine when I used to take 2-4 of them and drink a bunch.  I've definitely abused them.  Never bought them or anything, but used them as often for recreation as I have for pain.  I am definitely only taking them for the pain, though I have a high pain tolerance.  The thought does pop in my head, "Hey, today is going to be hard... maybe time it earlier in the day so you can deal with your group-work or presentation."  Then I just say, "No, you don't get high anymore.  Not off of anything; nothing." and don't take them for that purpose.  I try a couple of ibuprofen first usually, to just check out what happens.  Still, if I get that cross-benefit, I feel a little guilty.  It kind of relaxes me a little, which is nice and all.  I mean, who doesn't want to be relaxed?  I think I need to remind myself it is a side effect of a drug-- it is not a thrill I am seeking in of itself.  Yes, I'm taking a drug.  No, I am not taking it for a similar purpose as I used to.  I never took them alone back then really, so I feel a little more comfortable knowing it has very limited effect on me.  I would say about 90% of them I took, I never noticed any side effect from-- not even feeling sleepy.  I used to take them maybe twice a year-- and pound alcohol to actually get any effect.. then smoke weed after that to top it all off.  All I really wanted was to get a marijuana-type high.  The other elements were just remixing the normal high, so that I was actually surprised when I experienced the resulting effects.

Moping, now angry

Feb 13, 2014 - 1 comments

The depression is not quite as bad, but still here.  It probably has to do with me being a little more able to move.  Went to the student health center, and it turns out I didn't tell the hospital or my first doctor some pertinent information.  It sounds like I dislocated my kneecap at least once, possibly the second time.  My 2nd doctor was very thorough, and seemed to think I could have a tear to my MCL.  He wrote me a new prescription for hydrocodone, which I am glad for.  I was taking beyond what I should have been as far as ibuprofen.

I made it to class today.  Not much to say there, other than my teacher said he would like to use my picture in class.  I thought he meant the attendance pictures of us he took us the first day (weird becuse we have a picture-roster from our school IDs).  He meant my knee, saying, "I opened up my email and saw a leg!".  I guess he didn't end up showing it, which is cool with me.

Today, every one of my neighbors is driving me wild with loud music/tv.  All i hear is bass, all day.  Different sources.  It is harder to ask my close neighbors.  Everyone in my building stays inside for the most part.  I have tried with my next door neighbor with a note, worked for a night.  I have one diagonally down from me, hear this guy's bass every day.  He was actually pumping Chrismas music last weekend.  I'm so sick of hearing all of this, it is driving me mad.  I have dealt with one neighbor below me, but I knew him before he moved in.  We were on good terms.  I am on good terms with all my neighbors, but they are all kinda recluses like me.  I imagine them being very strong minded.  I have only had good luck with my one neighbor in the 8 years I have lived in this town.  Usually people say they will, then just have it at medium annoying level instead of severly annoying.  Then, I get even more mad because I can't say anything to them at that point.  I put in earplugs, and can still hear the bass.  I tried to put on my over-ear headphones, suddenly they didn't work.  Even with my TV turned up, I can still hear them.  I don't like having things loud.  Particularly because I have respect for my other neighbors.  Really, my neighbor below me will hear the most.  So, drowning them out is a difficult proposition.  I'm on crutches, though I can move a bit more.  I really don't want to go knock on people's doors, I want to get out of my apartment.  There is not much in the way of options.  I would say I  need something.  The two things I really wish I could get done are cleaning my clothes and giving myself a full shave.  I definitely am seeing my apartment getting a little more messy, so now from 10% messy it is at 20%.  It hurts to really clean up, but I remember what it looked like after I ditched the crutches the first time.  I've been watching TV and sleeping all day.  If I could be somewhere else, it would be in the coffeeshop with a good friend.  I need an escape outside of this two roomed apartment.

Yesterday and today accident #2

Feb 11, 2014 - 2 comments

Yesterday had group, and a very long day.  Was sad and depressed through all my classes.  Stared at the ground and didn't talk in group.  I said that I was depressed, but that was about it.  Answered a few little questions, but no one else in there is ever depressed so they kind of backed away.

I left group and was heading to my last class of the day.  My knee injury from two weeks ago returned, as I fell off my skateboard trying to ride it 'cool'.  I felt this pop in my knee and immediately knew the pain.  This time, it hurt much much more.  Thank goodness I had kept an emergency hydrocodone in my bookbag, leftover from last time.  I took that and the three ibuprofen I had.  Had to text around 4-5 people and sit in the cold as it started to sprinkle a little a bit.  Strangers kept asking if I was okay, as I sat on the edge of the parking lot my ex-girlfriend was going to pick me up in.  About 20 minutes later, she took me home.  She was very nice, and took care of me.  We watched some internet tv for a while.  My knee was in quite a bit of pain, but icing it helped a bit.  I sent her to CVS and Wallgreens looking to get me a pair of cheap crutches, but they both cost around $50 a pair.

Today, after sleeping with my leg slightly crooked in several awkward positions, I woke up at 6 to finish my homework.  My teacher at least agreed I could send that in digitally.  My leg hurts incredibly.  This time, I can barely bend it 5 degrees without a lot of pain.  When the ibuprofen is peaking (im taking 800mg every 4 hours or so), the pain is around a 7-8 most of the time.  When I move it, it's at a 9.  My student health center has crutches that I can get for free.  Unfortunately, they do not have appointments.  I really think I need a prescription for pain medicines again.  I was using them responsibly this last time, and definitely notice I didn't feel any sort of particular high other than in class I took a half, then a whole for my pinched nerve problem I was experiencing a couple of weeks ago.  Even then, it wasn't substantial.  I just felt sleepy.  So anyway, I really want to just take ibuprofen, but I think I will end up taking more doses than 4 in a 24 hour period.  I think I'm going to need to take 4 to go to sleep, and probably 4 more when I wake up in the middle of the night in pain (as I did last night).  So, they didn't have any appointments, and I'm stuck sitting here on my bed.  Even on one foot, I can't stand up.  The blood rushes to my knee, which already looks more swollen than yesterday.  It was immediately more swollen than last time, so I'm guessing it suffered a lot more shock this time.

There is my glorious knee last night.

I was supposed to meet up for a group practice video presentation last night.  Told them I couldn't make it, they didn't really understand how serious it was.  I emailed my teacher and said I would try to youtube my part.  Right now, I think I can't even sit up.  I definitely can't get over to the TV to do pointing and whatever at it.  So, it's supposed to snow tomorrow.  I'm praying it does.  I have a big accounting test that I have not studied for tomorrow, and know the knee is going to make that situation horrible.  But yeah, I think even with crutches it is going to be excruciating to move around with this knee.  I can't bend it or extend it at all without a ton of pain.  This ***** already, and I can't even get anything to eat right now either.  So now, I'm hungry.  I really need someone to take care of me, but I don't want to ask.  My ex said she could come help me, but I feel like she did so much yesterday.  My other friend who offered has 3 tests this week.  And I notified my sister, telling her to pass the word on to my mother.  They know how I hurt my knee the first time (skateboarding), and it is so embarrassing that this is why it happened again.  I feel like I'm in really deep.

Depression hits

Feb 09, 2014 - 1 comments

I finally fell down from my good mood today.  I went to sleep early last night, had emailed a friend an extremely detailed letter.  I began to suspect I was about to peak out at that 'high'.  I woke up today, early after going to bed before 12am for once.  I ended up falling back asleep.  I felt cold and just wanted the comfort of my sheets.  I knew I had things to do in the back of my head, but wasn't even considering them as part of my day.  Around 10 am I got up, after a fitful 10 hours of sleep.  Today, I didn't do much for the first four hours of the day other than eat some pineapple coconut nut bread, drink some tea, and go back to sleep around noon.  I slept on and off for around 3 hours.  

I slowly started putting together some pictures for this practice video PowerPoint presentation we have tomorrow.  I had told one of my partners I would send him stuff later yesterday.  It never happened, in part, due the fact I was emailing my friend a lengthy letter which of course required an hour's worth of editing to make sure not one logical or grammatical mistake was present.  Also, my parents were in town and took me out to dinner.  We had Indian food at this pretty popular place.  After my parents ordered waters, I told them they could order alcohol if they liked.  That was the first time I had opened up that avenue to my family members since going sober 148 days ago.  My mother and father use alcohol pretty responsibly.  But yeah, I went to bed around 11:30 pm last night after getting home and not wanting to look up the pictures.  I was up most of today just thinking how my group member (who I already conflict with sometimes) would probably be preparing his bad group evaluation in his mind.  I put together about 20 good pictures and sent him a text around 3.  

Then, I did nothing much other than go to several stores for printer ink, and eventually some food.  I went to Aldi, then decided their steak was so expensive I might as well go to the Fresh Market down the road.  Got everything, headed home.  Saw I still had leftovers my parents had given me, as they always do, from dinner.  Ate and went to the library.  Bought a bunch of candy on the way and dropped off my new script for Zoloft and more of the old Lamictal/Wellbutrin combo.  Stayed in the library for about an hour, then had to leave because my stomach hurt and I had completed the study guide.  

Driving over to the 24 hour CVS to get my script on the way home, I saw a friend who I had a falling out with about half a year ago.  He apologized for the last time we hung out, which concluded with him offering to fight me.  All because I was talkative when I was drinking, solo drinking at the time.  I forgave him, but I'm not really accepting his "it was about you drinking, I really didn't know how to say it."  I usually don't start out by first being rude, and then offering to fight someone when I want to help them.  But yeah, he was my only 'friend-enemy' in town, so I am glad that is over.  I mentioned the sobriety, he said it would be warm soon so we should go fishing.  I said, "That'd be cool."  I still don't know how involved if at all I want to be with this guy.  But now, I am at home.  Looking at the study guide.  I have to do the intro to this practice presentation tomorrow.  Doesn't look very fun.  I have my first test in auditing on Wednesday.  I had originally planned on taking a Zoloft to make me 'high' and to stay up all night wired.  I read the prescription bottle and it said, "Take every morning," so I think I'm just going to do that.  There are a lot of forms I still try to self-medicate.  I did mention trying to skip my Lamictal to my psych, telling her within about 3 hours I couldn't read more than 3 words on a piece of paper without my eyes darting around crazily.  She and I had a laugh about it, she reminded me that the antidepressants will do that if I don't take my mood stabilizer.  I think it's not uncommon.  I don't try to permanently go off my medication, so at least I have that.  

Tomorrow will be busy, so I'm kind of upset I'm procrastinating on this communications test studying for tomorrow's exam.  I really expected to be done with that studying an hour ago.  I'm wanting A's in my accounting classes, but somehow the perfectionist in me tells me I will be up all night studying communications to try to get that perfect 4.0 I've never even gotten close to.  I guess I should consider the "progress over perfection" mantra.  Back to the studying/watch-some-simpsons-procrastination.