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Jun 22, 2010 - 0 comments

faith is the substance of things hoped for and the evidence of things not seen and is a great defense in times when zero naturally reasserts itself in the artificially concocted integers of humankind. my faith is strong and sustains me.

a walk in the park

Jun 15, 2010 - 3 comments

ok, well, um, like....OMG! tomorrow is all day orientation for my big new high class job. walmarts toy department! oy! i used to be thankful that i didn't work there because the people that did seemed so miserable. never name the well from which you will not drink. i must really be parched. lol
  ah....good old fear of the unknown. i remember it well. i also remember surviving 3 years in the US Army mostly spent doing field maneuvers. 50-60 hour weeks doing assembly line in the winter with no heat much later. and all that came between. i have always been very capable. addiction being the only thing that ever screwed up my work performance, aside from chidbirth of course. this is totally doable. it's kinda cool to have butterflies in my tummy. i am nearly half a century old, but feel like i'm brand new. in many ways i am. celebrated my 30 days last night at a powerful stick meeting. hadn't ever been to a stick meeting before. it was cool. very powerful. i'll recharge my batteries one more time before tomorrow. don't know what my schedule is going to be yet. trying hard not to project. i am good at staying positive. my glass has always been half full. just a walk in the park. yeah...just a walk in the park.


May 13, 2010 - 0 comments

well, here i am again. still trying to be clean. still trying to gain weight. still working on my family relationships. the difference is i want it bad enough to work for it now. before i would sit around and feel every ache and pain and sniffle. wait for my feet to go crazy at night. wait for sleep not to come. wait to feel better. it didn't work then. i know better now. i sat down and made a slow step by step plan on how to wean off and then stay off these friggin pills. i so didn't want to become a 12 stepper again. that was my addiction talking. as usual, i believed. it was the only thing that worked back in 93 and 94 which was the last time i managed to get any clean time. it is the only thing that will work now. i feel great! i have energy. i can be around people. my kids aren't scared to death of me, well, not as much. it takes time. i never knew how i was gonna be from minute to minute and neither did anybody else. by giving up control i have regained control. it feels wonderful. i used to be afraid that i would die straight. above all things i wanted to be high when i died. go out with a buzz. what kind of sick **** is that? now that i can feel again i want to feel it all from this day on. i'm sure there will be things that i won't want to feel such as serious illness related stuff. aside from that, bring it on. i am loving life. so glad i made it out unscathed. i hope i can share my strength with others. our disease is such a wasteful thing. pervasive and cruel.

the bullet

Nov 23, 2009 - 1 comments

well it has to be over 2 weeks. i decided not to track the date this time. very cold turkey!!! back to work. feeling almost human. this runny nose, i know from the past is gonna be with me for a while. what a small price to pay. i haven't been clean for the holidays since i was about 12. i am 47. i really love you guys!