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Made It To Day 4..then relapsed how stupid I am!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Feb 06, 2014 - 0 comments

As i began my detox Monday..& surprisingly it went ok for the most part. .nothing like my first detox last time im guessing bc I was detoxing last time from 7 years and this time it was just 4 months or it might hav been bc the first time was alot stronger pills than what I had been perscribed this time.  However today I was cleaning the house and found a 30 mg pill & took it I feel so stupid. My ? Is does this mean tom i will go thru wd all over again? ?? I sure hope not I could hav Swore I had gotten rid of them all. I kno I will hav to start over with being clean again but I dont want to go thru wd all over again? ? Any insight.?? You hav been a lifesaver thru all of this & my saving grace..i mentally feel much worse now that I have relapsed. This is so ridiculous the viscous cycle of this disease. I mean i didnt feel any better than I did if anything I felt worse. Bc now I kno im not clean & have to start alllll over again tomorrow.  I mean really? ?? I was so blessed to not have that serious of wd this time. .& now that I've relapsed I really hope this doesn't mean I hav made it worse on my body for the wd now....so I kno I hav to take a much closer look at my mental status on this..ughh


2nd Day of Detox...Feeling pretty good.

Feb 04, 2014 - 4 comments

Good Morning all my strong loving peeps of MH. Just thought Id drop by to let everyone know I'm doing rather well this morning (thou I just woke up around an hour ago) & still slept great last night...I think taking all the immodium really helped !!! Just wanted to say thanks to all yall who are/have helping me along this toutourous path...I hope I can get through this week...& I hope despite taking all the immodim yesterday (took 12)  that I can still get out all the Dirriah possible as I know how important that is...but I'm beginning to feel the pain in my lower back again so guess I'm gonna try n get up n move around...lov to all & God Bless!!!!

A brief brief history of my story...

Feb 03, 2014 - 2 comments

I am a Christian, I am 27 in 2007 I got in a serious car accident (not my fault) guy was intoxicated apparently and ran a stop sign going 45, I was going 45-50 he hit me head on I landed in on going traffic flipped 4 times when I came to I was upside down in my vehicle with blood everywhere. I basically was then rushed to er with open head wounds, my fingers were severared (almost lost) completely. I suffered a TBI, PTSD, & nerve & tendon damage along with short term memory loss. So that was back in 2007 for the next 7 years I was put on OxyContin 60mg & perk 5mg but by the end of the 7 years I had been up to 800-900mg a day...(I kno a lot of ppl freak out when I tell that) but its the truth. That was every day for 7 years then I met the man of my dreams got engaged and when he found out he wasn't having it. (he was an alcoholic but never did or does really understand the pill issue...unless u have been there ppl just don't get it as I'm sure u know) so I knew I had to do something I ended up od & on the methadone program which only added fuel to my addiction was on that for only about 4-5 months also as I still did heroin at times. Then I needed up in rehab (me and him both agreed to get help) I went 2 rehab ang got kicked out for being intoxicated when I get there. So basically to make a reallllly long story shorter...lol 2 mental hospitals later I got clean for 8 months or 7. When I had to have my second surgery this past October and doc put me on 10mg vikes thease past 4 months I have gotten up to 100 mg on the vikes plus some 10mg Perks. I have to get clean i want my clean and sober life back I also feel extremely gulity bc when I got clean I got baptized at my church also may finance doesn't know this go around he has been in prison since october and my addiction just a happend again after this second surgery. I know bc of what I went thru the first time with my wd and how long it took. I'm gonna b honest I'm scared. & when I ran out the other day I/body went into fully wd. So I just took athe last pill this am and I have to b work Tom. I'm done with this but this time not only am I having to do it on my own without anyone (meaning not being in a psych hospital or rehab) but I HAVE TO GET CLEAN FOR MYSELF & my fiancé he will b home feb 19!! Not to mention if he ever found out I don't think he would forgive me. Oh and did. I mention we're getting married In the spring?? So yes I have been here and done it but have not done it at home by myself. Can't let the family know...plz help me with anything u can. So to do a quicker break down I have def. dealt with this for many many years. I def. no what to expect I have battled it's addiction most of my life to b only 27. I have had a rough life, though should b thankful compared to what others have been thru. I would just for "fun" snort the OxyContin 80s (the kind u can snort) before they came out with the pill formulated ones (that my doc had me on after the wreck in 07) . But didn't become addicted/dependent on them until wayyyyy later in life that was more of a recreational thing once I had the wreck it was all over from then. However I have also been addicted to cocaine, & crack. But nothing got a hold of me like the devil opites. Last year when. Got clean I graduated with my degree in human services with a concentration in substance abuses...so I'm a substance abuse counselor..(I kno messed up) but I quickly realized I couldn't help anyone bc I wa still battaling my own demons. So I got my cna and some other qualifications and begin working in the home health field. Absolute love it. But now after being clean after soooo sooo many years of abuse I want my old life back!! I should have never let thease stupid docs get me on this in the first place...granted I needed it in the beginning of what I went thru 7yrs ago (but only for a short amount of time not for 7 years!!!) but not this time with this second surgeryl,,this is ridicous. Yes I started today took. My last pill yesterday morning.
Sorry to be going on and on just very anxious today as to what is ahead of me..but want it more than anything!!! So thankful I found this place...there are soo soo many greatful ppl that really care & I only believe what the ppl who have
Lived it have to stay bc anyone else has no idea!!!!! I'm educated enough to know that..lol