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Feb 20, 2014 - 0 comments

im seriuodly down and lost anxiety is hell taken 40mgs already? not takigb anymore im f-it CANT THINK feeling tragic mentally ohysically

Peace, and rest may it come to us all

Feb 19, 2014 - 1 comments

I'm so hoping everyone can find peace and rest and feel the sun on their face. I remember knowing the sun was shining but it was just there? I loved to be out in all weathers but when the sun shone i was like Mowgli off Jungle book bare feet and wearing as little as possible laying in the field by the river. I'd  just swim in the river for a while then lay there looking at the sunny sky and cloud watching and enjoying the feel of the sun on my face. Even as i got older but then becoming ill, crap relationship because i'd became ill and the Ex didn't want a broken toy?

Mum ill and dying. And the pills and the Alcohol problem i had? I can't remember what day it was but i twas in that relationship i forgot how it felt when the sun shine in your face. But now off the booze, away from the ex? I can remember one sunny day last year a few weeks after i stopped drinking i opened the door and felt it on my skin and i cried, i cried because i forgot that one simple free pleasure. Fresh air and sunshine, i love it again now days, pain or not i go walking and if i can't walk far i sit on my front door step in the sun and i smile when i see it come through the window too. I pray we ALL get to feel the sun shining on our faces.

DAY 4 50mg

Feb 19, 2014 - 2 comments

I have to Journal day yadda, yadda, so i know where i am. I keep losing bits of paper i write on and i can keep track on all my Taper drugs in front of me and im going to put it on a usb stick..when i find out how to. I got a PC how to everything book so get reading!! Dinner, walk, Library on route. Shop home shower Pj's read. Play Zen music in back ground. And tough today is a toughie i been worse. Tomorrow i'm dropping to 40mg i can do it i REALLY want to stop all the Oxy's and Dia but the Dia too dangerous to CT. So  do  for 30mg Sunday, 20 Wednesday, jump next Sunday. Following week all being doable cut Diazapam by 1mg.

3am that's wot !!  Stuck with 50mg YEY!!

Feb 19, 2014 - 0 comments

Oh well up before the sun again!! I am NOT complaining moaning yes!! complaining? Think i'll leave that one for later. I have slept oh yes! i have slept now THATS freaking me out!! you can't win around here i swear!!  The reason for today's freak out is Free Health check's, yes thats right your not seeing things a health check. I went to the local pharmacy a few day's ago to get my BP checked and they do a Diabetes check as well ahd being as i'm 54 but i think im 12 :-D  and coming off so a many pills and stopping drinking 6 months ago soon to be 7 Hoorah!! Plus my Dads side are Diabetic as well.

though pop in to the local Chemist being as its free and get it done. I had it done 2 months after i stopped Drinking as i was getting really bad Anxiety and heart attack symptoms. And i mean to the point where my heart felt like it was gonna burst, pains down my left arm hardly able to breathe and i had a walk up a hill from my friends home and mine is on top of one as well.

So no sooner was i up one hill, i was stood looking up another one and at this point things were getting really bad,my legs were collapsing you could see my Heart jumping in my chest my lungs where expanding  and i couldn't breathe in and was slumped over a wall. But i never felt panic at all as bad as it was getting and as painful and a struggle i just felt as long as i kept moving and got to my home everything would be ok. I just had this strong faith that God whom i really believe is PURE LOVE<3. And PURE LOVE has no form. I have felt the presence of PURE LOVE  a few times in my life  you can't describe it and thats the best description i can give.

Si i just thought God will help me to keep going no matter what if i'm meant to get there i will and if i dont? Then i was going back where i came from. Its there don't EVER doubt that and i also after what i experienced firmly believe Heaven and hell is your state of mind too. And you do belong where there is no pain and no suffering and i also think this the same as you can go fully aware in to sleazy dark places here, if you 100% like that as a Spirit, And we're all infinite well you will go to a sleazy Realm if that's what you want and you still have the chance to repent all that stuff when your back home but if you decide thats were you wanna go?

But its not as clear cut as that you can't explain everything to everyone you'll just end up wasting precious life and your experience here as a Human other wise and no one owes any one an explanation as long as they are doing no wrong to anybody what they do by or to thier self or what they believe is their business. And also what other people think of you is nothing to do with you and you shouldn't worry what they think about you anyway. As long as your hurting no one wnd getting on with YOUR life thats all you need to know.

But that day being in that mess was every time i went out for quite a while but i knew i was fine i wasn't going to die and if i did? I was sober and now i'm going through that again so when i hd my BP tested last year it was fine in fact my BP and my Blood sugar were brilliant but this time my BP it's was to low the first try and the second one was acceptable but not great,

So if i got my eyes open in a few hours go and get it rechecked and make an appointment just to have a few more tests sorted at the Dr's and i DON'T want any of their Drugs or operations thank you. I am 1.000.000% sure that everything would be fine now if i had been left to my own devices and other people had listened but there you go. And i'm going to give my poor hands a break as well if i had to say which bits are hurting the worse it's the chest pains and all the other stuff that comes with it, my skin burning really burning my hands and are ^%$£"! so i got to rest them and my arms today as they got to be taken care of i can't bet typing away in this much pain and my legs and every so often i get zapped here there and every where?

So it's just do whats needed today and anything else can wait. But im wondering about my hands and i hope my theory is correct or i am going to say IT IS correct there fore it is. Its all that real Coffee i was drinking it took quite a while before it started but man! my joints!! And when i went searching the web other people said the same and in most cases it takes a week or a few weeks for it to calm down and in most case it goes completely.

But i also remember my hands gave me trouble when i was on Oxy's before and they where painful then but i can't remember how bad. But i do remember quite a few things happened that were really painful and seemed to come from no-where? And a LOT of funky things happened with my blood and skin? I can't wait to get off this crap! And i swear i'll stick to my guns this time. If it wasn't for my Hip operation i would still be off them now. I'd gone nearly a year in pain and took nothing and had to take something to have this operation done i couldn't walk. And then it took a long time to build up the strength to get around.

And like some one else said on the web when i read their be 'Be Grateful for you WD's thats when it's working!! Which i know is so ahrd when it gets so bad you feel like your dying or feel like dying is probably better at some point. Bu savor the breaks you get even the seconds in between and REMEMBER that's what's waiting for you you just have to give it time and be as patient with your self as if yuo were looking after the greatest love in your life. Even if you have to go to the mirror evry day and look at yourself and talk to your reflection like you'd talk to another living Spirit you love and in th end you;ll be grateful to see you as you would the other face no matter what species it belongs to.

God/ the Source/love/The Creator call it what ever makes you happy even if it makes no sense to anyone else that's the whole point your faith, your knowing the truth only has to make sense to YOU  all our relationships are unique and we all need to learn to have one with our selves thats  the BIG PROBLEM we forget US and when people say to another person 'I lose myself i you'' thinking it's romantic? RUN!!! If you just said it and really feel like that in your Heart space then that's what you now are, LOST!!  you can get lost especially Spiritually and thats the WORSE as you are a SPIRIT and people can blind you if you stop listening to YOUR TRUTH.  And your time here in this realm will become your hell until you wake up and be 100% honest with yourself your gonna just keep sinking and drowning while they stand on your head and hold you under water?

Not caring? And once they worn you out?  You can carry on ALLOWING it or get the hell ou and stay away form them. And i did say YOU ALLOW IT people can only do to you waht YOU let them its that simple and the simple things in life which is EVERYTHING that matters most of us don't see it if it bites us on the butt? Or we kick it away and put our fingers in our ears? And while we refuse to listen and accept the truth we wonder WTF went wrong? what did i do? what have i done to deserve this? I have been in this position i walked away from it all eventually and a seriously empty vessel of a Spirit, when i first met this person quite quickly he began to spend  on life/

He been married for 20year's and him and his ex wife and kids moved to Canada as SHE had enough of his family influence on him and he's weak minded he don't think so but he is and their poisonous . And when his Mother became ill they ended up coming back to Wales but his Mother was and has been for year's fine and well for what she drinks and smokes. They went back to Canada ....again as his ex Wife had enough......,gain!!! But his Mother kept ringing up saying she had Cancer? So back again.Canada back again......

I never knew all this until way later if i had? Things would have been different but.anyway his wife stayed In Canada in the en. And when he eventually put some space between him and his family he said 'now i can see life through your eye's' and he began to start to think for himself and about life and a lot of deep stuff, i have alway's been a deep thinker even as a tiddler. I can remember things from a few day's old, before my Mum when back to Spirit i told her about certain stuff as ir was in my minds eye for year's and then she was shocked and told me all the events i was talking about happened when i was a few day's old?.

But mean while my EX's parents changed plans to move to another City to a house they were buying and bought one around the corner from us where we bought our home? Didn't take too long for the poison to get back in and HE let it, he used to brush it off but once they were on our door step?  And in the end the TRUTH was i for my own sake and safety had to get the hell away from him. We were engaged and at that time everything was as it should be but in order to get rid of the bad Drink habit i had got between my treatment by them and the booze always there and my Mum seriously ill for 3 year's and dying?  

But i had to get rid of him which was now a bad habit, in order to get rid of other bad habits. I kept trying but he kept sabotaging all my attempts and then told the truth all the times he said he was going to stop drinking he then admitted he not going to and don't want to? And a sort of panic set in when my Mum went i had this thing that he would die if i wasn't there or i would die with out him? huh? I woke up to no its the other way around. And being told to shut up! when you die your F-A!! And if there's a GOD ??? so why did your Mother die like that then? Lki he F-IN cared when she was so ill?

And i KNOW the truth. God is just a name we were 'Programed' in to be other 'Brain washed' people of the actual 'Brain washers' Its LOVE  and thats why no one will ever see'' The Face' LOVE can be seen in all different forms here but in it's own being its what WE are this illumination 'Energy' myself and a few other's in the same place at the same time saw and felt it and we were all mess ng around music on myself and another in the kitchen cooking and the others all in the same house noisy not talking about anything deep and you could jus t hear yourself think between the music and the noise out the kitchen. Im not going to tye it all here but so much happened at that time as well. And thats why people that have returned say 'I never saw God but he was there' Or there was a light and i knew it was God.

And LOVE certainly does NOT punish you and get you for your wrong doings? TOSH!! we do that to our self or allow other people and things to hurt us or when not sober? You can't see the woods for the trees any drug in you instantly is a spanner in the works pure  LOVE  doesn't even have that capacity its infinite is never changing and forever there and so are we. Its when we forget to remember what we know and do the action we get our selves in to trouble. And we're responsible for us and everything we want to be.

Its no good sitting and wishing your YOUR own Fairy God Mother all it takes to make your wish come true is to get off your sorry butt and do some thing about the things you CAN change. And accept the ones for some reason is outta your hands. But anything you do to your self or let some one else do to you? You can stop it and change it.