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Hi Ho Silver!!!

Feb 18, 2014 - 0 comments

Time to go be a 'Martyr' :-D Took mg 50mg for the day Oxy's still got 1 Diazapam left but i been on them ssooo long i probably go in ti 'Withdrawal' while taking it. Thats a thought? I wonder how many people know that happens with Valium? You get WD on a regular dose? I keep forgetting and it's WTF??time again but its that as welI was told by a DR wh owas a pill head, him and his wife another DR were in it bad!! writing out scripts for God knows what?

BUT their both clean and working as Drug councilors and they must be GREAT at it too. Being MD's and EX users they know how it is not because it say's in a book> Those 'books' kill people? i can't get my head around how many different drugs in big doses for year's some people take and sail through CT and WD? We're all different thats why its dangerous to use a 'One size fits all' with everyone. Anyway about Diazapam (Valium) the Dr's used to do a show you could ring in on a local radio Station here and i used ti tape it and send the tapes to friends in London and abroad who used then to get off Drugs and the radio DR sai that people that take big handfuls of Valium (Benzos) have a way easier time stopping than people like me that stixk to my prescribed amount or lower?? But once your on your way your way as long as you can be as comfortable as possible then carry on and take the rough ride as long as its not unbearable but when you REALLY want off i suppose you'll put up with anything? I'vr had heart stopping pain both from pain its self and then WD?? But if you got some one you can relax with by talking on the phone or they'll call to your home than that's a great help.

But many times one minute i been thinking 'If only some one was here' and when they are? wishing they weren't? Only people that have been there or helped some one else out with CT and WD before and are kind caring and loving and any good around you at times like that. I gave up the last time when i asked my Brother then a friend to come here? They were NO help at all So isolation isn't ALL bad at all, at least you can lay on the floor in your vomit if it gets that bad and i had the runs from hell, could barely walk, projectile vomiting and my Richard Head Brother was suppose to come in and help me? Huh? all he did was bum Cigs, ask if i had weed or did i have money he'd go get it Drank the beer in my fridge as i didn't want it and leave me on the floor in that lot? My body weight in waste and a hip replacement 6 week's before and CT off Opiates which in the end i had to take 3 Codine a day just to give myself a window.

And i had a support worker who called once a week as i was ill and all he did was tell me all his problems and mess up paper work he was suppose to sort out for me so there you go. I am a very HUGGY person i love cuddling up to my partner when i have one and i hug and kiss my friends and even people i chat to and you can tell their lonely or they tell you their on their own so i hug them and kiss them on the cheek. I will never forget 31 year's ago i was going through a terrible time in a very dark place i was homeless it was winter freezing. I had no shoes just an old pair of slippers down down down.

And i been to see a hell hole of a flat and if your not working and ill people treat you like a sewer rat and rent places i don't think a sewer rat would stay in to you? And the Land Lord had Mega bucks and i had to go give him rent and a bond in advance and walking to hand it to him, and was at his 'Gentle mans Club'??? ^%$£"! He was not!!  I gave up end of, i was going to give him the money get the key and kill myself and i had the means to make sure it was job done. Anyway 3 men were coming out the door of the Club you could see the money all over them as it was a 'You ain't coming in if you got less than ten mill' place . I waited for the usual sneering and jibes and recoiling away in case they catch something off me and? THEY NEVER....they a said 'Stand back and le 'The Lady' in and all said hello and smiled the most lovely 3 smiles i'd evr seen and made sure i was ok and waited until i came back out as they could see m,e at the desk and did it again?

In that moment EVERYTHING changed my whole perspective the world, my life. All because of kindness and a smile? I used to do that before myself but i made extra sure after that that people knew i cred when i say hello and smile at them and i talk to evryone at the shop. M e and a teen age assitant sang 'Mannfred Mann Do wah diddy'' along to the music iover the speaker together the other day really loudly :-D And it made everyone smile Cool! I wont be doing it today going to wobble to yhe library and take these books back as im not going anywhere just for a walk if i can. I am grateful i can do that today pain and wobbly head or not. Was going ....NO! I AM GOING TO SHOWER FIRST!! Im not doing 'Excuses' im able to at the moment and if im sick when im out? Im sick!!

ibogaine

Feb 18, 2014 - 3 comments

Before i can even THINK about using this 'Shamanic Root'' which some one has got, i have NOTHING in MY hoe except what i'm tapering off, and i havent got the 'Sometimes but not alway's' Usuals like Booze or Cannibis to fall back on as i have done. But i'm not saying it's a good any of the two to get off another 'Addiction' and i don't care about the 'MEDICAL' view of 'Addiction' everyone i know that takes street drugs does so NOT to get 'HIGH' as its all money no one can really afford to waste killing their self?

But because now they can't function because of WD? And many want off the drugs but the only 'help' is go get a life time prescription at the drug clinic near Town? But back to one drug in place of another, when i CT's off Opiates before i was already drinking to much yep! an 'Alcoholic' it don't matter HOW i was at the time. And i smoked weed too, but at one stage i do a week or 2 smack at it, stop for a week, a few week's ? A month? And if i had known i was on a road to PAWS big time i would have stopped and stayed stopped for ever, i never knew about this until after i went CT from one hell of a lot of Alcohol and day's with no sleep? I only slept about  a few hrs a week and that went on for months. And hence the weed i smoked it to eat and sleep and as i was at it anyway all i was doing was taking one less drug by coming off the oppiates. And then my legs would hurt and my chest get rough so i stopped the weed for weeks and then the booze. But ended up back on them. And i stope that for ages after i got off the other drugs as i was tryibg to heal myself and spending a lot of money on Holistic Medicine and it was pointless.

A lot of money i may as well given away? thing is i can't afford to spend it like that anyway but when your desperate? And i never bought pills i get them on script and when i drank i'd stop smoking so i had booze money . So me doing 'Research' for a 'non drug' way to get off the drugs is where the ibogaine came from. And if i'd been thinking right and just put up with the pain when i ran out of Codine i could hav edid CT for at least 24hrs then i could take it.
You got to be at least 24 hrs before the Ibo or its dangerous and i got to get to the DR's for a ECT and liver blood teat's don. But then i have to wait a week for the blood tests to come back or longer. and the only way to get it done quiker is go to A+E and the way i feel now i knopw other's would go there today being like this but they bloody ZAP you with xrays all the time and i do not want that i had too many.

And moving about as much as you can is better or even reading, music to throw up to? Its better to have some form of distraction than listening to your insides trying to escape out you butt of mouth. And a walk is even better a brisk walk if you can do it i find the quicker the better when you feel really yuck! but able to walk outside for a it. Too slow and it's more hard work trying to keep it up. I suppose that's because 'Endorpins' pick up a bit more. Isn't it strange?

i know self professed Junkies that now know more about Braind than a Brain DR? But couldn't write their name before? And i im going to sort some water color paints on to a palette on my home made easel art corner which is an easel built in to a wooden box with all kinds of paints and arty painting bits i bought when i was too unwell to go anywhere/. I cant paint but i like doing it to relax nothing great just any color and lines faces dots. It dont matter doing it is the point.And i got an Engineer from my ISP calling anytime in the next 6 hours so its a pee off as if i wanted to go for a wal i got to wait here? And i am getting so rough now i got to take the Library books i got back today some how i not going to make it otherwise and in not putting the pills up again now i've gone over 2 days and am going through 3/

And i cant afford a bill off the Library either oh! And ****!!! Forgot to cancel food order AGAIN!! The guy upstairs i gave stuff to before so it wasn't wasted and i cant afford to pay how much my delivery is to give away?I dont mind doing it if i cant use it then help some one else out. But theres others worse off around here but i cant get to them i walk to them with it and its no joke struggling around with bags and there out? Ah well, i got a few things i need to do before i cant and that could be any minute so do i now,

CONT.....FROM LAST POST

Feb 18, 2014 - 8 comments

EVEN MY TEETH ARE CRUMBLING AND BREAKING AND I HAD TO PAY TO HAVE PRIVATE WORK DONE ON THEM AFTER BORROWING THE MONEY AND MY BONES KEPT BREAKING FOR NO APPARENT REASON? MY DENSITY WAS ''NORMAL'' AND DR'S WERE BAFFLED AS TO WHY THEY BREAK??? I JUST FOUND THATS ALSO ANOTHER ''OXY EFFECT'' IT ROTS YOU AWAY!!!!!!!!!!!!

OMG!!! I AM GOING TO HAVE TO JUMP OR DIE FROM OXYCODONE!!!

Feb 18, 2014 - 5 comments

THE ''SIDE EFFECTS'' RELATED TO OXYCODON'E???'' I HAVE A CROCK FULL OF THE MFB'S!!! I KEPT ASKING DR'S IF CERTAIN CRAP WAS KNOWN TO THIS HELL DRUG!! I HAVE FOUND  SITE THAT HAS DR'S AND PATIENTS REPORTING ALL DIFFERENT 'SIDE EFFECTS'' JESUS!! I KNEW IT!! THOSE BASTARDS EVEN HAD THE FREAKING NERVE AT ONE POINT OF ACCUSING ME OF NOW HAVING ''MENTAL PROBLEM'S???

BECAUSE I COULD PERFECTLY DESCRIBE WHAT WAS HAPPENING TO ME AND THEY TRIED TO MAKE OUT I WAS ''NEUROTIC'' IT'S THE D**K*G DRYG!! SO DO THEY WANT TO GO ON THE SAID WEBSITE AND TELL ALL THE DR'S AND SURGEONS ON THERE '''YOUR A FREAKING HEAD BANGER??'' OF ''YOU GOT'' I GOT PUT IN HELL BY THEM AND THIS FREAKING DRUG THATS WHAT!!

PEOPLE THAT KNOW ME EVEN THEY SAID 'WHAT'S HAPPENING TO YOU? YOU WERE ''NEVER''' LIKE THIS? NO MATTER WHAT, I SEEN YOU DYING? AND YOU STILL REFUSED TO LISTEN TO THE HOSPITAL AND CLIMBED BACK OUT YOUR GRAVE?

AND IN MY AGE GROUP THERE IS A SERIOUSLY HIGH SUICIDE RATE,BUT ''OVER ALL'' IT'S TOO HIGH! PLUS A LOAD OF OTHER STUFF? I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT THEY ALLOWED WHAT I FOUND OUT THE F**K**G '''NAZI'S 'INVENTED'' ''THIS MFB OF A DRUG YEAR'S AGO???

I NEVER HEARD OF IT UNTIL 2005 I THOUGHT IT WAS A RECENT NOT COMMONLY PRESCRIBED DRUG? AND IF I TYPED OUT WHAT'S HAPPENING TO ME ALL TOGETHER I WOULD NEED ALL MH TO MYSELF!! I WANT TO GO INJCECT THEM WITH THIS CRAP!!

AND NOW I FOUND ''ALL'' THIS OUT AND IT'S TAKEN ME YEAR'S!! MY MOTHER UNKNOWN TO US AT THE TIME WAS DYING?? AND GUESS WHAT? SHE WAS PUT ON TO ''OXYCONTIN'' FREAKING 80'+LOTS OF INSTANT RELEASE ONES AS WELL.  I WAS ON OXYCODONE 2-3 YEAR'S AND STILL COUNTING BEFORE MY MUM WAS.

ON MY MOTHERS 'DEATH CERTIFICATE' IS '''NO CAUSE OF DEATH???'''''''''''' AND THE HOSPITAL SAID ABOUT THE HIGH DOSE I WAS ON AND THE TIE I WAS ON IT AND HOW WAS I BEING GIVEN IT AT HOME??? THEY DON'T GIVE IT TO YOU AT HOME UNLESS YOU IN REAL BAD PAIN OR GOT CANCER?BEFORE MY MOTHER WAS PUT ON OXYCONTIN.

WAS TOO GRIEF STRICKEN TO NOTICE IT AND DIDN'T WANT IT HANGING AROUND AND DESTROYED IT BUT I CAN'T REMEMBER WHY BUT WE NEEDED A COPY AND MY SISTER RANG UP AND ASKED ''ME'' WHY WASN'T CAUSE OF ON THERE?

ALTHOUGH I NEVER KNEW IT WASN'T ON THERE, I NEVER LOOKED AT THE ORIGINAL I AVERTED MY EYES AWAY AND THREW IT , AS MY SISTER WAS HYSTERICAL ON THE PHONE OVER IT, I TO PUT HER MIND AT REST JUST SAID THE COPY HAD A ''MISTAKE'' AND THE REAL ONE HAD ''CANCER'' ON IT AND SHE WAS HAPPY WITH THAT.

LET THEM F*****G HAVE IT!! MY GOD MY GOD!! ALL THIS HAS BEEN KNOWN FOR YEAR'S? AND THEIR STILL PUMPING IT I TO PEOPLE?

HAD IT!! EVEN WHEN MY MOTHER HAD JUST HAD HER BREAST REMOVED SHE HAD TO PUT ''ME'' IN A WHEEL CHAIR AND GO TEARING TO THE HOSPITAL WITH ME? IN A RIGHT MESS?? AND I TOLD THEM I CAN FEEL MY MUSCLES RIPPING!! GOING DEAF!! MY VISION IS GOING AND SOME DAY'S I CAN'T SEE AT ALL!!

I AM NOW ON DAY 2 50MGS FROM 100.S? I AM GOING TO HAVE TO JUMP THIS WEEK OR I MAY NOT BE HERE NEXT WEEK? MY BP IS GONE WAY TOO LOW AND THATS AS DANGEROUS AS TOO HIGH!! A

ND PAINS DOWN MY ARM NO ENERGY CHEST PAINS BEING WOKEN UP BY WHAT FEELS LIKE HEART ATTACK SYMPTOMS? AND I KNOW WHAT THAT'S LIKE, I GOT RUSHED IN TO HOSPITAL WITH A BP OF 280 AND CLIMBING?

I NEARLY DIED A FEW TINES, DEVELOPED ''SLEEP APNEA'' SO BAD IT STOPS ME BREATHING? AND I GOT WOKEN UP BY A VOICE SHOUTING ''SUFFOCATION??? AND STOOD IN A DARK TUNNEL BUT AWARE OF AN ILLUMINATION AWAY FROM ME AND ALSO AWARE I WAS LAYING DOWN

LOOK THERE'S WAY TOO MUCH STUFF TO LIST I JUST WISH EVERYONE THAT READ'S THIS PLEASE IF YOU HAVE ANYTHING WRONG SINCE BEING ON THIS DRUG COMMENT IT BELOW THIS WE ALL GOT TO DO SOMETHING PEOPLE ARE DYING AND THE DEATH RATE IN YOUNG KIDS TO 21YRS OLD FROM THOIE DRUG IS REALLY HIGH FROM THE REGULAR DOSE THEIR PRESCRIBED???