I rang NA today to see if just in case i'm unfit to get there if some one can give me a lift. And i;m making sure before i get in any car, i know the person, or my Cousin who joined the Police because they kicked the bell's outta him and accused him of stealing a £23,000 car? His Mum bought it for his 21st Birthday and the reason it all happened? He's mixed race, but look's like a White Guy but he had am Afro at the time.

And said I HATE THEM!! %$£"! Then decided the only way to F**k them back was from 'The inside' which he did big time. He got promoted and became the boss of the ones that did it to him? Thats another story. but i can ask him to run a back ground check on who ever first you never know a car ir really Dangerous a building is different especially when you live there and know every way in and out.

And the Chick i spoke to was HIGH!! And i mean HANGING!! She could barely talk and it's known in NA drug dealers get involved all sorts of crap. But i'm going to try the Chick was in London not here so i'm going next Monday as i'm not up to this nigh as i dropped 10mg Oxy and i feel wergh!! And getting worse as time goes by. So shower and chill but i feel really sick right now.

I really need to make a 'Tracker on myself' list i think. One on paper and pt it neer to had so i can put EVERYTHING from the second i get up %$£"! whoop! to all stuff no matter how much or how tiny you know like i was a 'LAB' experiment.Where every nano second is logged and tagged even when you scratch your butt so you can see if theres a pattern of any type at all.

I have a 'Mindfulness' book i borrowed from the Library and in it is a tale about ''The man who wanted to be rich and was so busy 'SEARCHING'  outside of himself. That what happened was 'A man who wanted to become wealthy was walking along the road and sat on the road was another man who was dirty and wearing rags.

The 'get rich' man looked at the ragged man like he was a bad taste in his mouth and thought 'THATS what im NOT going to be!!' as if the mans appearance was the worst thing on the planet?  Then went out of his way to croos the road putting more distance to his journey just to avoid walking past this man?

But what he never saw when the man was right in front of him was a hat the man was holding wasn't for people to put money in for him, nut he had in there gold coins and was giving them to anyone that walked past him and just one of the gold coins would have made the man richer than he even dreamed?

So i am wondering am i missing something thats in front of me thats the help i am searching for? And besides company at home now and again one small thing that would do so much to get me where i desperately want to be but help so many others?I know we ALL miss whats in front of us, but when there is another person around you they can point you right to it. I did it a million times with other people. And the other thing is the truth is not always what you want to hear. But you GOT to listen and DO to bring that desperately needed change and yes.

We're ALL mostly going to feel like we're going crazy or THIS IS IT!! NO MORE!! But thats why i log on and type a lot pain or no pain it's better to get it out than allow THAT to go off kike an H Bomb? I am not saying that will stop it BUT it does give you your perspective uin front of you and enable you to sit typing rather than doing God knows what? Its hard to hold control over things everything takes practice and DOING its no good knowing everything if you don't use what you know or some one being kind enough to help you help yourself.

And evryone feels diferently some feel the moods are the worse others the physical. I know when i feel down and i'm in pain if the pain level leaps?? Thats jhhell as then you may not be able to do anything or move from where you are. All you can do is do waht you can. I catch myself sitting thinking about what to do or feel guilty for not doing anything? But i do a lot more than most people i know that are ok and no one should feel guilty when there's no urgency to do something. But i guess its just my way if dealing with things. I rather do than sit wishing and worrying. I get terrible anxiety and once a day and that usually ends up evening time as i do stuff indoors House work and house hold stuff.

But i really need to do more like i used to as a kid i would go to nature or go lay in a feild looking at the sky. Last spring for the first 3 weeks of march i had got off the oxy's again after the DR putting me back on and made myself go over the woods and go futher and longer everyday until i did a few hours a day through out the day at different timse. But i was with the EX then and he weighed me down and caused stress and problems evrytime i tried to get better he sabotaged me. And tahts easy to do to some one when their using all they git to get right and where weak when they staretd???

I can't help feeling Guilty that there are people out side some where suffering and i can't do nothing to help them physically i mean. I give away my things and contribute where i know the money IS going where it should be and not stolen or squandered. And i got soup in my freezer and just look about when i go out and think if i see anyone that needs to eat or get in the warm they are welcome in my home.

You can't sit there thinking things are terrible and then do NOTHING? Or refuse some one the basic right to help because all your worried about is they will steal off you or being a woman or even a man men get the R word as well. And then yes, there's the they may kill you? I

took people i didn't know to help them when i was younger and i would hate to think as i been homeless with nothing and i lost my mind as well and i was terrified ALL the time and if anyone offered to help there was alway's something at the end you really didn't want any part in at all?

In the end i just stayed on the streets and did what i could like washing in public toilets and asking if there was any work going anywhere that was what i call 'Out of sight work' where i never had to be on public dispaly as there was no way not being 'Socially?? presentable' would be accepted when well, looking what i was Homeless. And the CRAZY LAW!!!! If your not working and the Government are giving you money that you and Generation after Generation of your family worked for and calling it ''THEIR MONEY???'' %$£""!!!  

Your not ''ALLOWED'' to take anyone in even Family with out telling THEM??? And if they find out your money will be stopped and YOU get thrown on the streets with nothing?? Because the way THEY got it worked out is this person or people are paying you to be in your home? HOW CAN THEY!! THEY AIN'T GOT SQUAT!!  

No matter what there are stiil those of us who are more than willing to help any living creature to survive or do what we can so their comfortable. I for one wouldn't walk past some one in my local area were i go walking down and out with nothing? How can people have so much and do nothing?

I have always shared of given away anything and evrything  i am NOT saying ''Oh! look at me Miss Goody 2 shoes!'' What i AM trying to say is ''This is what I DO to help and if there is anything else i CAN help with then please let me know.

You GOT to SHOW WILLING otherwise people that NEED any help you can give don't know your there and WILL help them if you can? I have been in a mess and can't ask people i helped out for year's and NO i never ever did anything for something back.

BUT stuff happens and evryone need's help at times and maybe all the time. And it's awful when you don't even know who you can ask? Or it's pointless asking anyone you know well because as quick as they snatch your help they won't do F-A when they know their your ONLY chance and it's a case of life or death??

Been there more times than i want to think about. But i am Grateful it's never made me not want to help other living things. You can't allow no matter how many bad people around you to turn YOU in to one of them?

THAT'S THE WAY ''THE MATRIX'' WORKS!! AND TOO MANY PEOPLE ARE GETTING SUCKED IN!!  

how can people sit in a place and position where they have the means even if they can't physically or Mentally deal with it BUT have enough land or a room in their home's where they can afford to pay decent people to over see any help they can give. Make sure THEIR safe and help  other's to help them selves and all it takes is giving them a place to eat. sleep, heal be comfortable and if they can for their own sake and to give help back do something productive?

Like helping the ill or weaker one's getting work and all contribute finances so there is a way to make syre everyone is looked after and fed, as until EVERYONE wakes up and let's go of the idea that STEALING FROM THE PLANET AND DESTROY HER OTHER CHILDREN to do that is the biggest sin in the Universe? NOTHING BELONGS TO ANYONE IT'S THERE FOR ALL LIVING THINGS .

hope together we can find a solution for EVERYONE. When i gave up Alcohol and others kept slipping backwards big time or struggling i was never glad it's not me. But i was Grateful i had fought yet another round and that they may have been me?

And i know hope hopeless and the self hatred that comes with having gone back there again and put a lot of hard work pain and loss in to pushing that boulder up that hill for it to slip and run over you? Man! i took no pleasure or ever though well that's their problem? But others actually said that? After knowing that hell??

Best to be straight up honest feeling awful my skin is burning i feel like i'm wearing broken glass! and my skin's been peeled of and salt rubbed in all over!1 i been going through this for yer's thanks to freaking oxy!! it doesnt stop with the drug either!! its still there. i keep reading a bout PAWS and it can last for 2 year's? well you don't see much about people that have it for longer than tha i've only seen it one myself ''and some peole have it for life?

I been sufferibg this agony for year's noe even when i stop this **** and my skin? it feels like paper! it's this crap even my mouth is sore it dry's your skin out. And i seen the pictures of people on meths amphetamine thats what THIS **** does to you, it makes you look like hell!!

And my face fell's like some bastrd been rubbing it with sand paper all nigh? And my hands the pain in my hads they just feel permanantly swollen now. The number of peole i know on drugs and got problems fromt he drugs? an i don't just mean addition. And none of us are high, i'vee yet to see any of us you could consider high on these drugs we've all got something wrong from the drugs and the worse pat is will it EVER get better? I been having this awful pain fo year's now 8 year's?

Maybe longer? My muscles are atrophied  My God why don't they warn you about the terrible toll this **** weraks on you mentally and ohysically and my face i cant rubbed the skin on my face it feels like its on fire!! I know people that have tapered or CT'd Heroin and they never said anything about these symptoms happening only about your head being done in and your guts feeling like your dying and the usual sweats and stuff.

And people differ no matter what the drug. I know people that costed through different WD'S or bu now felt an improvement but i'm feeling worse than ever no. I can remeber the one time about 3, 4 yare's ago i was in my bed and this burning pain? It felt like acid running through me veins!! i was sat screaming and terrified and in the end i ended up taking 19 co-codamol pill;s in 2 hours?

and still no relief and then sonya taking me to the Hospital barely able to sit there and the DR? A kid that never even taken an asprin or had ANY pain EVER!! It like you get a sixth sense as far as knowing without anyone telling you  BUT maybe its just me? I have asked other people if they feel like that near another ill person but they just look at me odd. So maybe its me and who ever else i've yet to meet them.

But Maggie next door she's got rhematoid arthritis and i really feel for her but if i ever say isn't it sad about anyone else being ill she alway's say's 'I don't wanna hear anyone elses sad sob story!!  I know shes not well and God!! Shes injecting some drug in to her stomach for it once a week, pill's she was on steroids and i've tried for year's being as we're bot arthritic to see if she wants to cone swimming to see if that helps at all. My sister saw a guy that was a long time neighbour of ours and he had arthritis and said he been going swimming for 2 yaer's noe and it was the best thing he's ever done as it's a great help.

And i get fed up with asking people that were ok to come with me but it was pointless. Everyone sai yes and no one evr did. And the one time i went alone i was ok once i got in the water but jeez!! When i got out? i thought i'd never get dressed and outta the changing room i had to take 6 DHCodine and sit there freezing. wet and crying and it never helped so i struggled to get dressed unable to dry properly and it was winter. Freezing weather and the Cab driver trying to carry me to the car it was hell! I was screaming evrytime he touched me with the pain.

I AM DEPRESSED !! I need to try and find if anyone else has had similar symptoms on these drugs that's another thing when things happen to you it makes you despair  when there's no one to reassure you that it happens but it will go away some where down the line if ever? All these year's? I am worn out having my hopes dashed and i wish to God i never met certain people too