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wtf is wit these cravings

Jul 05, 2014 - 0 comments

i thought cravings came and went why are mine here a lot in my brain a constant fight with myself for hours and hours my addict brain is wearing me down but I'm still stronger as of this minuet my shoulder is doing that thing again where it hurst so bad i can't move it only hold it close to my body its awful and motrin doesn't help at all and i gotta work its horrible just horrible that last time this happened i was using and had to work and went o cl and got some pills i pray i don't do that today PRAY my *** off it ***** really ***** i don't wanna relapse but i wanna get high soooooo bad i hate it i hate it i hate it I'm going to a meeting today can't wait so need it and can't wait to get to rhode island on monday just gotta get away and have absolutely no desire to take any pills with me like before thank god how can i want them so bad yesterday and today and not want them next week idk this whole thing is just really effin with me hope this to soon shall pass


Jun 27, 2014 - 0 comments

things are really getting better slowly but surly they are hitting tons of meetings and they really help even if all i do is listen right now it just feels good to be in that company had a really good session with holly yesterday told her of my addict brain wanting to take some pills to dawns in two weeks telling me "no one will know just do it then you can stop" yea i maybe able to stop after that but just the part of doing it will make me feel terrible just awful i feel so accountable to so many people now cuz they all know what I'm dealing with my hubs son mom dad they will be heart broken if i relapse i don't want to anyone especially myself i know people relapse when in recovery but thats not a free ticket for me to use i used to look at it like that before in the past but thats not what its all about i am understanding addiction a little better now this forum is really REALLY helpful to me the people on here have helped me so much its crazy and i am so grateful for all of them i definitely couldn't of done it without the help of all of them i am feeling good today right now and i will not use today thats for sure tomorrow thats another day i learned to take it one day at a time i have to stay away from cindy lu no fb contact no texts no nothing its hard but doable i have no choice no choice at all this is my life MY LIFE the only one it get


Jun 05, 2014 - 0 comments

i wudda had 80 days clean if i didn't screw up grrrrr but this relapse has opened my eyes to a lot a real lot i now know there is absolutely no way that i can get clean and stay clean without help from my husband so glad i have realized this and i know i have to tell him and i will I'm thinking i will leave a letter on sunday when i go to work I'm so scared but it has to be done i cannot go on like this anymore keeping this from him is effecting me and my life in so many ways i am feeling so much fear guilt and shame around this and he doesn't deserve this he is such a great guy i know this secret is effecting my eating i just realized this yesterday i am doing a lot of emotional eating around this and have gained weight i feel like i am this  sore  and i am just  open and oozing with so much **** its festering lots of puss blood and germs just bubbling away eating my flesh and it needs to be cleaned cared for bandaged up and kept clean thats what i have to do for myself i am so looking forward to going to meetings and i feel that my husbands reaction to all this will either make us or break us its so scary I'm also going to tell my dad too I've decided i know nothing but good will come of this eventually i just have to do it!!!!! and i think sunday i will go to my first meeting sunday thats my plan

60 days today

May 16, 2014 - 0 comments

am I'm blowing it :(