All Journal Entries Journals
Sort By:  

Thoughts...

Aug 19, 2010 - 0 comments

Well, my summer is coming to an end now and I just wanted to reflect on how it's been. I've had a great summer being around all of my closest friends. Sadly, two of them have to go back to college and of course I am sad about that. They are two of the people that I feel the most comfortable around. I have gained stronger relationships with everyone that I have hung out with this summer which I am very proud of. It's so much easier being around a group of people that you trust and that you can laugh with and that you feel so comfortable around! It's been so great. Now though, it's back to reality. I have to go back to college and deal with not knowing anyone in my classes. I have to deal with trying and trying to be open to meeting new people, but failing miserably. I won't have two of my closest friends around to talk to everyday and see if they want to hangout. I have to deal with my downsized group of people who I can hang out with. I don't have very many people that I can just text or call to hangout, especially when my good friends are gone. I have a very minimal maybe two or three people to do that with. I am hoping though, as I've gained stronger relationships with some people, that I can extend this group a little more when my other good friends are gone at college. It takes me quite a while to open up to new people and feel comfortable around them. This I know about myself. I would like for it to be easier, though. I don't want to feel awkward around people all the time. I want to be myself without thinking thoughts about being awkward and quiet. I want to put past experiences behind me and start fresh. I want to feel good about myself and like I'm at the same level as everyone else. I want to stop thinking that I'm an awkward piece of ****. I need help for this. I've done a great job on my own thus far, but I think I need further help on meeting new people.

Mr. Right

Aug 06, 2010 - 0 comments

I'm wondering when I'm going to find the right guy for me. I'm wondering where I'm going to meet or if I ever will find him. I wonder if I'm not ready to meet him yet. Am I too young to be thinking about this? I'm twenty years old and I want to have a future husband and kids and a great family. Of course I'm talking about 10 years into the future, but I want to find him. Do I have too much on my list of traits that I want in a guy? Am I too demanding? Am I hanging around the wrong crowd? Wait, that's not a question...I don't really have a crowd. I really don't think I'll find Mr. Right in my circle of friends..I feel like if I'm ever going to meet him it's going to be when I go away to a university. This is where there is so much pressure. I feel like I have to figure out what I want to do and transfer so that I don't have to be stuck at the same community college forever. I'm sick of living at home and I want to be on my own. I have to find a job and save money and move away somewhere, find another job, find a place to live, and somewhere to continue school. I wish there was someone to tell me where to go and what to do because I clearly have no idea. I'm going to school because that's what I'm supposed to do. I still haven't figured out what I really want to do. I'm just taking classes because I have to. I see interesting people in my classes, but I never have the guts to approach them. I wish I would just try, but I just can't get myself to do it. It's just me sitting there the whole class hour thinking about what to say and when should I say it and how I should say it or if I should even say anything at all. All of these thoughts go through my head before class is already over and then it's too late to say anything. There's no harm in trying and I just need to get that anxiousness and anticipation out of my head. I want to go back to the psychologist when fall semester starts, I'm embarrassed for some reason. I know she would help me a lot, but for some reason I feel like I'm using her and I feel guilty. I wish I could just talk to my friends about these problems.

Venting

Aug 06, 2010 - 0 comments

Hello,

This is the closest thing I have to a psychologist so I just want to vent on here a little bit. I'm really bored of everything in my life right now. My social life is pretty active, but for some reason I'm never really satisfied. I appreciate the time and attention that people give to me, but for some reason I always find a way to feel left out. Whether its my friends talking about plans for their night knowing that I have nothing to do that night and knowing they won't want to invite me, or just being left out of any ordinary conversation. I've been trying to get noticed more, and I think I really am progressing, but I feel like I need something more. I feel like my friends think I am embarrassing so that's why I won't get invited to certain places. Ok really, it's just one friend that I'm talking about. She usually has something fun to do and her social circle is bigger than mine so she can usually find something to do. We talk almost daily, but she always fails to make plans with me at night time if we're going out. I shouldn't let this one person make me feel bad about myself. It's probably nothing and I just assume these things.

thinking

Apr 15, 2010 - 0 comments

So, lets see where I even want to start off on this one. I'm working on my independence and learning how to be happy without someone to lean on. I'm focusing on my friendships and myself right now. It's been about 3 weeks since my boyfriend and I broke up, and honestly at this point its weird to even think that we were together. I've already forgotten our relationship and I don't know if that's a good or a bad thing. I think about him sometimes and I wonder what he's up to, but everyday it becomes a little bit easier to not think about him or want to text him or something. We hung out once since the breakup and it was cool, we just hung out at his house and listened to music, talked, watched a movie and hung out with his neighbors a little bit. It was a tad strange being over there as just his friend, but at the same time it seemed pretty natural. We always got along as friends anyway, but the intimacy was lacking so I think its good that we remain friends for sometime before anything sparks again, if it ever does.

I want to feel better about myself and I'm working on that so I can feel comfortable in my own skin and if I'm ever in a situation again where I'm exposing my body to someone else in a monogamous relationship. I think that was part of the problem in my last relationship. I was always apprehensive before taking my clothes off because I felt as though I might look gross and he wouldn't be attracted to me anymore. I just want to be comfortable taking my clothes off in front of someone who I'm going to be intimate with. Therefore, I'm getting a gym membership to tone up so next time I'm in a situation like that I can confidently take my clothes off and be intimate with someone of the opposite sex. I want to feel good and feel pretty.

Sometimes I wish he would text me just to make myself feel better that he's thinking about me or a part of him still wants me, but from the looks of how we ended things I don't really think he's into me :/. I guess I'll just have to see what the future holds.