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May 20, 2009 - 0 comments

self injury



That is how I feel. As if my emotions (or lack of) are not my own. I feel unstable. I had hallucinations last night...something that hasn't happened in a long, long time. I laughed at it instead of being scared, because I knew it wasn't real and it sounded pathetic. I cut myself again, much more than I have done in ages. Then I realised that I'm going home in a few days and that means good weather and beaches and stuff like that, luckily I only did it in less visible areas like my upper arms and other places that aren't easily visible. I'll have to avoid the beach for a while. Today was my last day of self injury and I hope that I can last longer than last time. Another thing I only realised today is that I cut in sets of three... OCD even shows up in self injury wtf!
Anyway, it's almost 11pm and I took a sleeping pill a while ago just so I would no longer be awake. I'm determined to make tomorrow better.


May 05, 2009 - 0 comments








Not sure what I'm feeling today... been all over the place. Argument with a friend and unsure whether I feel bad about it because it has been a long time coming and I'm pretty much fed up with his attitude.
I feel bad because he hasn't necessarily done anything wrong today, I've been in a foul, irritable and agitated mood and I've taken it out on him, but the feelings are still there and had to come out eventually. Maybe the mood swings make me more honest with my feelings and not so much of an emotional pushover. That is another thing I am tired of. I'm tired of people emotionally blackmailing me, getting me to do things I don't particularly want to do because I feel obliged by some distorted primal sense of duty to those closest to me.
Anyway, now I've lost my train of thought... seems to keep happening lately. Memory is also ******... which is hard to do since I have an eidetic memory, and I've also noticed a dramatic decrease in cognitive abilities and my writing is terrible... I've had to re-write most of this journal entry.
Possibly thoughts have been keeping me up for a few nights and I feel like I'm speeding up again. Can't say that it is a particularly bad sensation but from past experience I know I can't let it get out of control.
Oddly enough, I don't necessarily feel hyper and I think it might possibly be because of the Crohn's disease. My theory is that since Crohn's causes fatigue and a lack of energy, it could possibly be keeping the mania under control as my body simply isn't generating sufficient energy. Whatever. All I know is that I've barely been able to eat and what little I am managing to eat isn't doing much good and doesn't stay in for very long.
What was going to be a simple entry of a couple of lines has turned into a rant. Oh well. Just shows the tangled web that is my mind. And I've just taken a sleeping pill, hopefully I'll be out before midnight as I need all the energy I can get because I actually have things to get done tomorrow.


Apr 25, 2009 - 1 comments








Been manic for the last few days, been partying for the last four days, though on the plus side, I barely had anything to drink so I suppose that I should be proud of myself for controlling myself.. though right now its impossible for me to see myself in any kind of good light. I had actually convinced myself that I wasnt really sick, that I had imagined everything and that the psychiatrists were all wrong and planning against me... what I didnt realise was that was probably the mania talking. But now I'm depressed and I hate myself... and I hate myself for hating myself, and so on. It's just a vicious cycle that never ends. And all this partying in the middle of a Crohn's disease flare up... so I pretty much feel as bad physically as I do emotionally.
I'm fighting... but I'm so tired of having to do so. I just want to give up. But I can't do that to myself again. Not necessarily suicidal... just have no desire to live. Trying hard to keep myself from hurting myself. Trying so hard.
And there's someone in my life but I don't want to go there... I'm too damaged, he doesnt deserve to put up with all this. I hate myself, I hate myself.


Apr 13, 2009 - 0 comments






Spent the last week at the house in the mountains for the easter break, went a couple of days ahead of everyone to clean up as I dont think anyone had been there in about a year. It was great... just me and nature... no internet, minimum phone contact. Very peaceful. Over the next few days as relatives flooded in I was too busy to notice any changes in mood really. Though I have noticed that the Crohn's is definately creeping up again, so going to see if I can get an appointment tomorrow. The past couple of days I've been feeling like I'm coming down and today I think I may have been having another mixed episode, where I've been in a constant rage and a complete wanker to everyone around me and I hate myself for it. Just generally hate myself at the moment... and hate myself for that too. I'm just so tired of everything.