Apr 14, 2014
I'm never one for putting my feelings on Blast to a bunch of strangers because you never know how people will receive you. However, with starting this new journey of walking a clean, drug free life, I gotta be honest with myself. I never really thought of myself as being a drug addict. You watch show like Intervention and you see how bad peoples lives are and you think to yourself "Gee, I'm glad that's not me. I don't act like that, I still am a productive part of society". Then all of a sudden one day it hits you, no your life may not be that bad but that doesn't change the fact that you still have an addiction.
I have a blood disorder that causes me great pain, severe, chronic pain. 8 years ah, my doctor put me on a medication called Dilaudid. I had never had it before but the first time I took a pill, I was in trouble. Not having had felt with an addiction before, I thought consuming 200 4mg pills of Dilaudid every 2 weeks was normal. I would be taking 2-4 4mg pills at a time, along with 6 50mg Benadryl and a medication for insomnia.
Pretty soon, I couldn't function without waking up and taking some pills, then taking pills in the middle of the day, then taking more pills at night just to get to sleep and more pills to stay asleep. All the while, I didn't know I had become and addict.
8 years later and I was still on the medication up until 2 nights ago. I ran out of meds and didn't have insurance or money to go get another prescription filled, so I decided this would be the perfect time to just release this medicine out of my life and my body completely. At first, I was ok. I'm like, "hey, I can do this!!". But then the withdrawals started getting pretty bad. I could stop shaking, I couldn't be still. My body felt crazy, achy. My throat started hurting, my head was pounding with sharp pains. I started sneezing my head off!!! I thought I was coming down with a cold but then realized, that all of this was my body going crazy, telling me to go get some meds so I could feel normal again.
I couldn't take the way I was feeling, so I went to get a wine cooler, just to help knock some of the edge off that I was feeling. The drink helped a little but now it was time to sleep..... Sleep was nowhere near me. My house was dark, everyone around me was snoring. And here I am sitting here like " are you kidding me, I'm soooo sleepy but I can't sit still, I can't lay down.... I can't... I can't.... I can't"
So, night #1 is over. The sun is up, the house is staring to become alive again... Ok, cool, I can do this.
I thought day 2 was gonna be easier but it wasn't. The withdrawals are hitting me even harder now!!! All I want to do is go to the hospital, get hooked up to an IV and let them pump me full of meds!! At least now I would be able to sleep, the shaking would be gone, the cold sweats would be gone, I could be still..... But then I a laws myself, "what happens when you leave the hospital? Then what? Your situation hasn't changed, in fact, you would be taking 10 steps back".
So, I stayed home, I stuck it out. I cried, I paced my floors and then I found this community of people online. People just like me! People who had gone through what I'm going through. People who are in the same boat with me. People who feel like giving up just like I do.
I was scared to post a message. I didn't wanna be judged. But I did post and it was the best decision I made. I found the support that I needed. People who are pushing me to keep pressing through. People who won't let me give up. People who care and don't even know me.
Guess what? I made it through night #2. Today started out well but now I feel very sick, gittery, I can't sit still, I feel weak. And I have people telling me to go to the hospital and just get the meds to stop all of this. But then what??? I'd have to face this again and it would be even harder the next time.
The day seems so long. The hours sooooo drawn out. I want this to be over, I want to be on the other side of this. I want it to be me saying that I'm on 62 days clean.... But that only comes if I keep fighting, so fighting I shall do!
Soon my "I can't" will turn into "I can" and then "I did".