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I want to see my baby too :(

Apr 26, 2011 - 1 comments

So I got a text yesterday morning from one of the girls from my pre-natal class, saying she gave birth to her baby girl on Sunday. I'm really happy for her and everything is fine (though her due date was on May 2nd, 10 days before me). She's the second one in our group of 5 to give birth. Really made me wonder when it's my time to shine... I have her mom on FB, send her a message to congratulate her and said something along the lines of 'well now we just have to wait for me and the others to go into labor!'. She wrote back that she knows something about one of the other girls but she's not going to tell me just yet, to tease me. I know this means that one of the other girls is either in labor right now or had her baby as well, which is totally frustrating! I could end up having to wait another MONTH before I go into labor (if my baby decides to be 2 weeks over due) while all the others get to hold their babies and not be pregnant already :( I know it's silly but I'm really kind of jealous. I hate feeling like that, jealousy is the worst feeling in the world and I really am happy for them having healthy babies. Guess I'm just hormonal :(

Agenda

Apr 16, 2011 - 1 comments

Why is it that now that I really can't do much any more at 37 weeks pregnant, people seem to think they can decide for me what my agenda looks like? It seriously pisses me off! Just now, my best friend told me that she'd like to stop by 'sometime sunday'. When I asked her to be a little more specific about the time, she told me 'why? You've got nothing to do anyways, so what does it matter?'. What gives her the right to tell me what I can do and when? I need to sleep a little during the day because I'm always tired; if I don't, I won't be able to sleep at night either and I'll have to recover from that for 2 days. I don't like it either, but that's just the way it is right now.

Yuck! This really makes me so angry! My ex is behaving the same way and so are a lot of others, I don't get it! Just wait until they're pregnant or have a partner that is, they'll know how hard it is >:(

Last weeks

Apr 06, 2011 - 3 comments

I'm very close to my due date now; only 5 more weeks to go. It's amazing how the past few months have gone by. It seems like yesterday that I saw that second line appear on the test!

I almost feel guilty when I say that up until this point the physical part of this pregnancy has been a breeze; during my first trimester I was just really tired and couldn't stand some smells, but I never suffered from any morning sickness. I did have very sore breasts for about a week or two, but that's about it. I practically danced through the second trimester and the beginning of the third. To be honest sometimes I wondered if there was something wrong with me since everything was going so smoothly... And then the acid reflux hit. I have never experienced anything like it, at days I couldn't eat anything because it would cause the acid to come up. I lived on yoghurt and finally decided to get some medicine to make things better; I couldn't sleep or eat, not very healthy for a woman and her unborn child.

In any case, mentally it's been a rough few months. My partner left me because he was too 'overwhelmed' with the coming of our baby, even though we planned this pregnancy he decided he couldn't handle it. It took me a very long time to get over the anger somewhat (it's still there, it just hurts less) and the frustration. I'm used to the idea that I'm a single mom now. Even though I miss having a partner to share this with, I sure as hell don't miss having my ex around. He will be part of my life forever, but as the father of my child, not my friend or partner. And that's ok.

What I've noticed in the past week or so is that, besides my baby dropping (which is causing pain and discomfort) is that I've turned inwards a lot. I thought it might not happen to me, because I'm usually a very outgoing person in need of a lot of social contact. Right now I just want to stay home and wait for the baby to come. According to a couple of articles I found on the web it's very normal; I just find it a strange sensation. It's like I'm still not used to this baby actually coming in a few weeks time. My mood hasn't been great either (to be honest it's been god-awefull!) so I rather just stay away from everyone. It's come to a point where I don't want to be pregnant any more, I've had enough of it, I want my body back and my baby in my arms instead of in my belly. I feel very much trapped inside my body right now. This feeling might also be fueled by the fact that I have nobody to help me out in the house, nobody who will cook for me or get me a drink when I'm too tired to get up. Up until delivery I will have to do my own grocery shoppings, even though I don't have the energy to do so and I don't own a car - I have to do everything on bike. Try doing that when you can't even bend over properly to take your stuff out of the shopping cart.

All in all I'll be very glad when it's all over. The only thing I'm hoping for now is that my dear baby boy doesn't let me wait too long!

It's been rough...

Jan 31, 2011 - 0 comments

So far, my pregnancy has been a very, very bumpy road. I've not been able to sit back, relax and enjoy everything like I should. I've not had the supportive partner besides me to help me through the rough patches and my family has been difficult to deal with throughout this whole ordeal. Up until today I wasn't even sure that there would be a home for me and my baby by the time I would go into labor; everywhere I asked I had the door slammed in my face. I've been refused a number of full-time jobs because of my growing belly and have no financial support from anyone. It's been rough, I've had my low lows and very little ups.

Even though all of this has happened, I am thankful. Why? Before my pregnancy I was, to be honest, stupid. Whenever there was an issue between me and family/friends/boyfriend/work I decided to just pack my bags and move, usually to another country. I moved to 5 different countries in the space of 3 years. I put off paying bills, put off studying and put off taking care of having a stable life. I always expected things to turn out fine (and usually they did) and never really worked towards anything. Obviously I regret a lot of those things now, although the experience I've gained by traveling is something I will always take with me and will be able to use. Through my pregnancy I have been forced to turn my life around, a step towards becoming adult I was absolutely ready to take. No, it hasn't been easy. To be honest it has been a really hard, cold and unforgiving lesson that I've learned.

But I have been rewarded. I have turned my life around, stopped putting off everything and anything and started planning ahead. My reward came this morning, through a lady who called me to tell me I've been accepted for a house. Not some one-bedroom place on the fourth floor of a flat without an elevator (that was an option too) but a ground-floor 3-bedroom apartment where I can stay for at least a year. My financial situation is still far from perfect, but I have a plan that is well executable and I think I can be back up on my feet within a year.

Within a month I'll be decorating my own home, putting the baby's room together and worrying about things less essential than money and a roof over my head. I can't wait! I thank my angels daily for giving me the opportunity to change. Like my mom said the other day: the choice to make a better life for yourself can made daily.