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The Death of our Dreams

Apr 20, 2009 - 1 comments

Some of us may have had dreams and hopes crushed.  Some of us may be facing the failure of something extremely important.  I know there’s a lot of pain at the prospect of losing love or losing the dreams we had.  There’s nothing we can say to make that less painful or to lessen our grief.  It hurts deeply to have our dreams destroyed by alcoholism, drug dependence, or any other problem.  The disease is deadly.  It kills everything in sight, including our noblest dreams.  Chemical dependency destroys slowly, but thoroughly.  How true.  How sadly true.  And nothing dies slower or more painfully than a dream.

One example of continued use of drugs and alcohol was written by one of my patients who, after 40 years of drinking decided to give up.  His last journal entry read:  "I’ve spent enough time in repressed pain, anger, frustration and disappointment that I have lost all hope that I can do anything to help myself.  I’ve been cheated of what life has to offer, powerless to change, and I’ve stopped preparing for joy and only work to protect myself from misery."  

If you are addicted to any substance and refuse to get help, this could very well be your story.  Get help now so you can live that life you have been so blessed with.  Instead of "using chemicals", start "using life".

Case Study - Self Blame

Apr 20, 2009 - 0 comments




Self Blame  

When Alison, the only child of doting parents, was very young, she came to believe that she was responsible for her parents’ happiness.  “I was the center of their universe,” she recalls.  “Every time I turned around they were saying, ‘You’re so wonderful.  You make us so happy.  Nothing makes us as happy as our little angel does.’”  Obviously, hearing such things was not what hurt Alison, although it did set the stage for how she reacted when she got hurt.  

Alison’s father, an exceptionally talented musician, was a manic-depressive, and when he was depressed Alison suffered with him, because no matter how hard she tried she could not make him happy.  Consequently, when her father committed suicide, Alison, who was twelve at the time, believed he took his own life because she had failed him.

As a result, Alison got stuck in self-blame.  Believing that her father killed himself because she failed to make him happy, Alison even now becomes extremely anxious whenever she encounters people who are unhappy or circumstances that might make someone unhappy.  At work, at home, or while socializing, she cannot relax until she is absolutely certain that everyone around her is comfortable and satisfied.  She suffers terribly when her co-workers argue or her husband has a bad day.  She cannot enjoy a meal unless everyone who is dining with her enjoys theirs.

Like Alison, you may too be stuck in self-blame, especially if you feel responsible for everyone and everything; feel unhappy when you wife, girlfriend, children, friends, or parents feel unhappy; feel compelled to do something to make them happy; constantly try to “fix” things, gloss over unpleasant realities, or apologize for things that you couldn’t possibly have caused – like the weather, power failures, the flu bug, and of course, other people’s words and actions.

Self-blame destroys self-esteem.  Each day spent blaming yourself for pain from the past is a day spent despising yourself and reminding yourself that you do not measure up.  You cannot appreciate your own uniqueness.

Boost Your Self-Esteem

Apr 19, 2009 - 0 comments

low self-esteem

Self-esteem: Boost your self-image with these 5 steps
Cognitive behavior therapy techniques can help you unlearn thought patterns that contribute to low self-esteem. See examples of thoughts that can erode self-esteem and learn healthy substitutes.
Low self-esteem can negatively affect virtually every part of your life, including your relationships, your job and your health. But you can raise your self-esteem to a healthy level, even if you're an adult who's been harboring a negative self-image since childhood.
Changing the way you think about yourself and your life is essential to boosting self-esteem. Cognitive behavior therapy (CBT) techniques are especially helpful in changing unhealthy thinking and behavior patterns. These techniques are based on the idea that your feelings and behavior result from how you think about yourself and your life. CBT techniques can help you recognize, challenge and ultimately replace negative thoughts or inaccurate beliefs with more positive, realistic ones.
These five steps toward healthy self-esteem are based on cognitive behavior therapy principles. As you go through these five steps, jotting down your thoughts, experiences and observations in a journal or daily record may help you use these steps more effectively.
Step 1: Identify troubling conditions or situations
Think about what conditions or situations about your life you find troubling and that seem to deflate your self-esteem. You may wish to change aspects of your personality or behavior, such as a fear of giving a business presentation, frequently becoming angry or always expecting the worst. You may be struggling with depression, a disability or a change in life circumstances, such as the death of a loved one, a lost promotion or children leaving home. Or you may wish to improve your relationship with another person, such as a spouse, family member or co-worker.
Step 2: Become aware of beliefs and thoughts
Once you've identified troubling conditions or situations, pay attention to your thoughts related to them. This includes your self-talk — what you tell yourself — as well as your interpretation of what a situation means and your beliefs about yourself, other people and events. Your thoughts and beliefs may be positive, negative or neutral. They may be rational — based on reason or facts — or irrational — based on false ideas.
Step 3: Pinpoint negative or inaccurate thinking
Your beliefs and thoughts about a condition or situation affect your reaction to it. Inaccurate or negative thoughts and beliefs about something or someone can trigger unhealthy physical, emotional and behavioral responses, including:
• Physical responses, such as a stiff neck, sore back, racing heart, stomach problems, sweating or change in sleeping patterns.
• Emotional responses, such as difficulty concentrating or feeling depressed, angry, sad, nervous, guilty or worried.
• Behavioral responses, such as eating when not hungry, avoiding tasks, working more than usual, spending increased time alone, obsessing about a situation or blaming others for your problems.
Step 4: Challenge negative or inaccurate thinking
Your initial thoughts may not be the only possible way to view a situation. So test the accuracy of your thoughts. Ask yourself whether your view of a situation is consistent with facts and logic or whether there might be other explanations.
You may not easily recognize inaccuracies in your thinking. Most people have automatic, long-standing ways of thinking about their lives and themselves. These long-held thoughts and beliefs feel normal and factual to you, but many are simply opinions or perceptions.
These kinds of thought patterns tend to erode self-esteem:
• All-or-nothing thinking. You see things as either all good or all bad. For example, "If I don't succeed in this job, I'm a total failure."
• Mental filtering. You see only negatives and dwell on them, distorting your view of a person or situation or your entire life. For example, "I made a mistake on that report and now everyone will realize I'm a failure."
• Converting positives into negatives. You reject your achievements and other positive experiences by insisting that they don't count. For example, "My date only gave me that compliment because he knows how bad I feel." "I only did well on that test because it was so easy."
• Jumping to negative conclusions. You reach a negative conclusion when little or no evidence supports it. For example, "My friend hasn't replied to my e-mail, so I must have done something to make her angry."
• Mistaking feelings for facts. You confuse feelings or beliefs with facts. For example, "I feel like a failure, so I must be a failure." No matter how strong a feeling is, it isn't a fact.
• Self put-downs. You undervalue yourself, put yourself down or use self-deprecating humor. This can result from overreacting to a situation, such as making a mistake. For example, "I don't deserve anything better." "I'm weak, stupid or ugly."
Step 5: Change your thoughts and beliefs
The final step is to replace the negative or inaccurate thinking you've identified with accurate thoughts and beliefs. This can enable you to find constructive ways to cope and give your self-esteem a boost.
This step can be difficult. Thoughts often occur spontaneously or automatically, without effort on your part. It can be hard to control or turn off your thoughts. Thoughts can be very powerful and aren't always based on logic. It takes time and effort to learn how to recognize and replace distressing thoughts with accurate ones.
These strategies may help you approach situations in a healthy way:
• Use hopeful statements. Be kind and encouraging to yourself. Pessimism can be a self-fulfilling prophecy. That is, if you think your presentation isn't going to go well, you may indeed stumble through it. Try telling yourself things such as, "Even though it's tough, I can handle this situation."
• Forgive yourself. Everyone makes mistakes. Mistakes aren't permanent reflections on you as a person. They are isolated moments in time. Tell yourself, "I made a mistake but that doesn't make me a bad person."
• Avoid 'should' and 'must' statements. If you find that your thoughts are full of these words, you may be setting unreasonable demands on yourself — or others. Removing these words from your self-talk can give you and others more realistic expectations.
• Focus on the positive. Think about the good parts of your life. Ask yourself, "What other things have gone well recently?" "What personal skills do I have that have helped me cope with challenging situations in the past?"
• Relabel upsetting thoughts. Having negative thoughts doesn't mean you must choose to react negatively. Instead, think of them as signals to use new, healthy thinking patterns. Ask yourself, "Which of my strengths can help me respond in a constructive way?" "What can I think and do to make this less stressful?"
• Encourage yourself. Give yourself credit for making positive changes. Treat yourself as well as you'd treat a loved one. Tell yourself, "I did a good job on the presentation. It may not have been perfect, but my colleagues said it was good."
Achieving healthy self-esteem
With practice, these steps may come more easily to you. You'll be better able to recognize the thoughts and beliefs that are contributing to your low self-esteem. Because self-esteem can fluctuate over time, you may want to revisit these steps, especially if you begin to feel down on yourself again. Keeping a journal or daily log can help you track trouble spots over time.
Achieving a balanced, accurate view of yourself and accepting your value as a human being may help you feel happier and more confident. And that may rub off on others, too, including your children, family or friends.


Apr 19, 2009 - 0 comments

Codependency is a disease characterized by a loss of identity.  To be codependent is to be out of touch with one’s feelings, needs and desires.

People are dependent on something outside themselves in order to have an identity.

Therefore, Codependency is:

…is a substitute process to create the illusion of self-esteem.  It says: “I need someone or something else to feel complete, balanced, secure and whole.  I   don’t have value unless someone or something else confirms that value.”  I look outside myself for solutions, approval, identity, and support because I say, “There is nothing here inside me.”
Children need security and a healthy modeling of emotions from their parents in order to understand their own inner signals.  They also need help in separating their thoughts from their feelings. When the family environment if filled with violence (chemical, emotional, physical, or sexual) the child must focus solely on the outside trying to understand and cope with this environment.  Over time he loses the ability to generate self-esteem from within. Without a healthy inner life, one is dependent to trying to find fulfillment on the outside.  This is codependency.  
Every child needs to be loved unconditionally – at least in the beginning. Without the mirroring eyes of a nonjudgmental parent or caretaker, a child has no way of knowing who he is.  We needed a mirroring face to reflect all the parts of ourselves.  We needed to know that we mattered, that we were taken seriously, and that every part of us was lovable and accepted.  We also needed to know that our caretaker’s love could be depended upon. These are healthy self-learning, self-loving needs - If we did not get them met, our sense of self was damaged.