Well today is the day before the big surgery to remove two tumors in my abdomen. I have been turned every which way but loose to get the surgery on the move. Needless to say they have turned me inside out. They found some blockage in my neck veins that might postpone the surgery. Actually I think they just want more money for more test etc. I feel horrible and don't give a damn about much of anything right now. Can't seem to knock the feeling off. The house is a mess, nothing organized like I wanted it to be for the hubby. The only way I can get this off my mind is to sleep, so I try to sleep all the time. I keep waiting to get a little more positive attitude but it just doesn't show up. I'm certainly glad we don't have a hand gun in the house.  Surgery is scheduled for noon tomorrow and I sure hope they go through with it so I can either call it the end or get home for recovery. At this point in time I don't care one way or the other. Sure could use a vicodin right now...lol...no just teasing, I don't ever want that **** again. I took a couple a few weeks ago and they made me sick so no more for me. I just want to be in recovery and be done with it.

Well it's been ages since I have written in my journal but why write when you feel you have nothing good to say. To update the ones following this venture. I'm having a bit of another type problem now. It appears they have found a spot on my adrenal gland, and the fluid that they thought was being caused by my liver is indeed not being caused by my liver but by a tumor the size of a soccer ball on my left ovary.  But I'm off pain pills...lol...I kicked the opiate habit...that's one good thing. They have surgery scheduled for Aug 25 and the hospital stay should be about 5 to 6 days she said. Because of the anemia problems I'm considered a high risk surgery. Not good news huh. She said I will prolly need blood transfusions, geeez does that mean I will have more relatives by blood...lol....I really am trying to keep my spirits up but I will be quiet honest with you, it's not easy at all. You sit around to tired to do much because of the anemia, and you sit and think about the surgery and having to take pain medication again and recover again. and try yet another time to get your life back into your control and not some one or something else's control. I just keep asking when when it all end. I wake up every single morning and say, ok it's a new day, push yourself to get things done, keep active, stay positive, then I try to eat something and get sick and then my entire day is shot to chit.
I have blood work drawn every week, and now I have to have chest exrays, and this biopsy of the lump they also found on my adrenal glad prior to surgery, they want to see what is in it to prepare them for what they find when they open me up. It's been a really rough year and half for me, hope like hell it ends soon one way or the other. I can honestly say I'm worn out.

Dear Journal,
Well it's been a while since I came and faced you or spoke about how I feel or what's going on in my life so maybe I better catch you up on some things.
As you know my visits to the Doc. have become more frequent, more blood test to find out why my red blood cells are not reproducing or  if they are why are they dieing off. But more serious than that was the fact I had fluid around my liver so they thought the opiate abuse for so long had some thing to do with all that. My last liver function test proved that my liver was working fine. I did how ever go in for  a cat scan on my abdomen and what they found was not so good. They found a tumor on my left ovary the size of a football which is producing the fluid in my stomach region. They don't know if its cancer or not but did a series of blood work to see what type cells are there. They have to schedule me for surgery but they are concerned about my red blood cell count. She, the surgeon said that she would like to see that raise up a little bit prior to surgery and even if it goes up I will probably need a transfusion. She called it a high risk surgery. Just the thing I wanted to hear. I feel like I've been shot at and missed and sh-t at and hit.
You know whats weird is I don't even have any fear about the cancer thing, you do what you have to do, but what does make me really mad is the fact that I have to go through the healing process again of abdomnal surgery. And I'm not happy about the thought that I might die from this, duh, it's not like I'm ready to do that by any means. I have five grandbabies to watch grow up, I want to have Starbucks coffee with my daughter again, I want to get mad at my son for teasing me so much, I want to snuggle with my hubby for a lot longer and listen to hippie music. I'm just not ready for all this cr_p to happen. I still have paintings to paint.  

I'm to damn old for all this yard work, I want to move to a retirement village where a grounds keeper does all the yard work. lol....Been doing a little bit more each day, still don't seem any stronger just doing more and having to force myself to do it but at least it's getting done. I'm sleeping a little longer and sounder each night and I think the B12 is kicking in and doing what it's suppose to be doing finally. Have a doc apt tomorrow with the liver guy and hope it turns out ok, I don't seem as swollen as I once was. Still crave the **** everyday and that's still a fight but I'm dealing with it. Would you believe my reg. doc refilled my script for Vicodin, not the same dosage but lower because I have hands that hurt from the arthritis so bad at times I can't hold the paint brush but I took the script and tore it up and said thanks but no thanks. At first I took it and thought maybe if I took them the way I used to before I started abusing but I said to myself no way Jose, so I tore it up. Hubby was way proud of me. I know that if I took one or two I could do more in my yard and work longer in the day but I figure the stuff will get done at some point so just take my time at it. I'll appreciate the finished product a lot more. And I don't have to be super anything anymore right? right!!....Love to you all and to all I don't know hang in there your win  will come...
Jan
Enjoy my tulips...

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