Today is the first day in a long time that I am happy that I was born, that I don't feel like I have wasted my life and actually look forward to tomorrow. Life is good. Now the moral of this story is going to be for all of those out there that thinks things won't improve I am living proof that it will. Take a look back at my journal entries and see how bad I was just a little over a month ago. Don't misunderstand me, there is not a day that I go without thinking if I only had one pill just to get me off the couch, one pill to get me to do a little more or to be able to make my day a little longer so I could accomplish more. But my body doesn't ache or crave them, my head does but not the body. I'm still not out of the woods with other issues I created for myself by abusing the opiates, but each day gets a little better. I still have the liver issue buy my B 12 levels were where they were suppose to be for a change which means I'm  producing red blood cells again. I have what seems like a dozen Doctor appointments yet to go to but I at least look forward to them now because I know it's getting me closer to when I don't need them.
Now on another note, I thank goodness in a strange way that I became abusive with the opiates because without the abuse I would have never met such wonderful giving beautiful people. People who need people, sounds like a song I once heard, doesn't it to you all. It's a good thing when you can look back on mistakes you made and make something positive out of them.
This week has been so good, very tiring but very good. I still fight to get up off my butt to get things done but the great thing I learned is I don't have to be super anything anymore,not super mom, super grandma, or super wife, that if I don't get to it today it will probably still be there for me to do tomorrow. But a great thing I learned is no one expected me to be super anything, they just wanted me to be me and happy.  For some of you that know a little bit more about me and my struggles with my mom issues etc, well it's great to let you all know that I have finally after all these years put that stuff behind me. It may have taken most of my life to do it but I did do it and for that I'm so happy.
I live in the country on a little acre of land, I have this female barn cat that has found her way to my home and decided to have kittens here. I've taken her under my wings and her kittens and I can't tell you how much I enjoy watching them mature and play on my back deck. I enjoy little things again, I don't worry about my kids, I don't worry if the floor is not swept everyday, just the little things. I did enjoy sitting on my butt in the middle of my flowers pulling weeds by hand, playing with the dogs again, teasing the hubby.  I sleep at night now instead of staying up all night cleaning and cooking trying to be that super hero to my family again. Oh I get up often in the night and go potty because of my liver functions but that to will pass, "I hope"...lol...so does the hubby....lol...
I want to thank all of you so very much and with all my heart for all your support, thank you for sharing and letting me realize I'm not alone, or a bad person, that complete stranger or people that start out as strangers in your life can welcome you into their lives with open arms. For caring and sharing, for needing me and making me know that I am needed. I adore you all, and to all the first time readers of my journal my arms are open for you, my heart is open for you, and I will be there to do what ever I can to make your journey from hell and worry as easy as possible. I never thought I could or would do it but with all of your support I found out just how much and how strong I am.
Love to you all !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Jan
I love turkey legs at the fair...everyone should have one...with me....xoxoxoxoxoxoxo

Tis be another day in the life of Jan, seem to be coping better, still tired, a little edgy sometimes, and it seems like every darn day I am craving the stuff in my head, my head tells me gee if you took one you would feel so much better and be able to accomplish so much more than you are right now, but I know it's all a big freaking lie. I'm able to do a little more each day and that's a good thing. Sleeping much better and longer hours now, but still get up three times a night to go potty. I have docs apt again on Friday to start new diet for liver function and see if I can get that cleared up and on the mend, other than that I am still waiting for my ship to come in. What's not to love about that smile from my daughter, that carries me through my long long days as well as all or you...Thank you so much.

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OMG I feel so much better today. Maybe the vits are kicking in finally. I know I forced myself to do some things yesterday and was very tired after wards but felt better in the long run. Some fatigue today but no enough to even jot down in here, the same as yesterday. Now to get the liver fixed I'll be on the mend. Yeeeeeeeeeeehawwwwwww...dukes of hazzard...The picture is of my beautiful daughter and me, she makes me smile a lot....

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Never one a Sunday a Sunday a Sunday, that's a day of rest, maybe I should take Monday for a day of rest to. Have apt with Doc again tomorrow and I have this sneaky feeling I will be staying at the hospital for some test, I may be wrong and that would be nice but my tummy is sure getting fuller. I'm impatient to see what the real problem is.

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