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Someone's not listening

Jul 16, 2015 - 0 comments

Thank you for your note.......I don't know what else to say to you or to him.  Just please let me know what is going on before things get too out of hand that I can't intervene and not that I'm planning too..  I have made a promise to myself that he is the one calling the shots and he is right in saying that it really is none of my business.  I only pray that he is able to find his way.  Although I have been saying that prayer for nearly 6 years, somebody just isn't listening to me.  It was the same when Dean died, God just wasn't around to hear me.  I know you are tired and I have said that you need to go, but you stay because you care for him and me, but it is time to live your life and do fun things and be 22 and have fun and explore and discover.  I know if He was sober that he would show you all those things.  Unfortunately he has never been sober or well enough to show you who he really is.  this isn't Him, but just some lost version of him.  The real Him is in there somewhere but is lost in a battle within himself and up till now he isn't winning.  I hope one day he does and you have the opportunity to at least get to know the 'real' Him  because he is such an amazing person!  I am glad he is going to work, makes me wonder though......I think you are an amazing young woman, but your job isn't to be his provider, it is to be his friend, but unfortunately he has taken great advantage of that, which really needs to stop because that isn't helping him.  I don't know how to thank you for all you have done for him......nothing I say will ever express my gratitude.  Thank you for loving my son and for believing in him when he hasn't believed in himself.  Maybe one day he will come to realize all you have done for him.  Have a good night!

How is someone supposed to reply to the most heart wrenching thing I have ever read? This is my deed to freedom wrapped in my everlasting hold. I'm stuck.

How do you know what no one knows?

May 13, 2015 - 0 comments






How do you know when it's enough?
How do you know when to stay and continue fighting. I guess it comes down to full personal choice and disclosure. But how after all that has been done does someone move on. I don't mean move on from one another entirely, although that is in one way a sense. Yet in another sense how does one move forward from such things that have been the very things that have confined them to distrust, hurt and ultimately resent one another.  Can people grow better together,  yet grow apart ? I'm not sure what's happening. I'm not sure what to do. I know I love someone but I don't know if it's enough. It was enough to withstand the need of eachorher to get to a better place but now that we are on better terms in general, in situation, we are worse off between ourselves. Did we need eachorher to get to be stable and now no long need eachorher ? These are what feelings bring you too. We're creatures of habit but what habit ? The habit of filiarity of not wanting to start over, possibly. But Is it enough to grow in habit of one another and familiarity or will that ultimately lead to resentment and an unhappy life? How do you know what no one knows ?

Motion sickness

May 02, 2015 - 0 comments




Here we are again. Going on a year later, and facing the same demon of addiction infested in another. The man I love or once loved? I don't even know what it is anymore. I can't help others. I see him. I see the person I fell in love with shutter through and I can't help but pray he's actually in there. That he shines through and for once picks me instead of another dealer or drug. He is so good and can be but doesn't choose to be. I feel like I'm constantly on watch and  I'm in a dying relationship. He thinks it's me that's different and hey, maybe it is. But it isn't because of some event , it's because of what happened when we were together. I feel a sense of hope and I wish it was promising. Can your faith and hope lead you to failure ? I've never failed. I've never given up. And I don't want one of the first failures to be someone I care about so deeply that it hurts. Literally hurts. I feel like I'm on the same merry-go-round and I'm suffering from severe motion sickness.

The beginning

Aug 12, 2014 - 0 comments

So I write this entry today because I feel the need to acknowledge something's going on.
We are slowly approaching on a month of being sober. Although the wounds are still visible, they are healing. The problem didn't develop over night and it will not get better over night.

It's almost hard to see and believe that there was a problem. I pray that this is the beginning of our end. The beginning of the end of this terrible addiction.

I feel accomplished thus far. Proud that I stuck this out. But sad that I've had to go through this. This is my appreciation. The beginning of my realization of appreciation. This forum helped me when there was no one to talk to and no one to turn to.

This can be the beginning of life, and the end to an addiction. Let's pray this sticks, I have all the hope in the world, because now I can say that I've come though this this far. Hell has frozen over and in beginning to get back to normal. It's ****** up to see that life hasn't stopped moving forward, time hasn't stopped moving forward and I think that's that hardest thinng to reflect on. The fact that those wounds and scars are so apparent now that it's a constant reminder of what happens, not so long ago. It's hard to keep hope when you realize how much of the addiction took up your life money and time, and to now work for it all back.

I can work my *** off and take care of myself but I pray addiction never resurface again.

Thanks to all those supporters and opinions out there. I may have saved his life, but you saved mine.