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Halloween & Joe

Nov 02, 2014 - 0 comments

Hi Everyone

I'm sorry I haven't posted much.  I'm exhausted plus I had to start working again on Friday.  It is only 2-3 hours a day but it is income I can't afford to lose right now.

Anyway, Joe had committed on the 20th to being the Judge for the kid's costumes during the 1st Annual Sandlewood Halloween Block Party.  Linda and Brandy came over and begged me to be the judge.  At first I said no.  They left and I swear I could hear Joe saying "You've got to go...I've got to go for me".  So out the door I go in my robe, chase the ladies down and told them I would go if they would make sure that no one would come over and offer condolences.  I think you will understand my reasoning.  Halloween is for and about the children.  What kind of judge would I be if I burst out into tears (which I do) every time someone hugs me or asks me how I'm doing...all that kind of stuff?  Linda was wonderful, everyone treated me like normal which I really, really needed if only for a couple of hours.  The kids were adorable and Joe would have loved it...he absolutely would have.  His 2nd favorite holiday only after Christmas.  Afterwards I came home and bawled my eyes out.

For some reason the only place I can sleep is at my desk.  I've tried the bed, the recliners, the couch, the futon.  I think that subconsciously my mind is having a difficult time with those places because I slept in all those places during Joe's various illnesses...wherever he slept I slept close by so I could hear him if he needed me.  I'm going to be crippled soon.

Other than that nothing new to report.  I'm just existing day by day right now.  I'm supposed to pick the urns up tomorrow.  Neither Mama B or I can bear it right now so Pastor Ullo is going to pick up and keep him at the church until we are ready.  I think that is perfect for the moment since he found his peace there and he loved his church plus I know he will be safe there until Mama B and I are both ready.

I will be back my dear friends but it may be a while yet.  I'm just not ready to offer help to others right now...not when I need it so badly myself.  My well is almost empty and I need it to fill up a bit before I can help anyone else.

Love you all madly....I hope you know that...and if someone can...if the post is up for sobriety...could you please post my sobriety days for me.  I'm not even sure what it is...over 90 days I think OMG I'm so glad Joe could see that.  I haven't had a pill of any kind except that one valium and since I was never addicted to benzo's I don't think that hurt my sobriety.  I don't like sleeping pills, benzo's that kind of thing at all.

I hope to at least start answering some PM's some time next week.  Please be patient with me.


Joe's Team!

Oct 29, 2014 - 4 comments

I have now spoken to all the doctors on Joe's team.  Apparently pulmonary embolism CAN come up very suddenly that it would not show on a CT scan done within a few weeks beforehand.  Dr. Boyer also said that Joe was in the 10%...those are the ones that it happens to SO fast that all they notice is a little weakness (true) and a little shortness of breath (true) and that's it.  It is so fast they don't feel pain and they don't even really know that they were dying.

We knew we were going to lose him sooner rather than later but Joe and I had hoped he would make it long enough for a trip to visit all the kids and get through the holidays but if given the choice between kids/trip and his passing pain-free and without the fear that knowledge of your imminent death gives a person....I'd give up the kids/trip every time in a flat second.

So I am at peace with that.  I had promised Joe I would only flat out mourn for about a week.  I will keep my promise.  Then I will do what I promised which was to pick myself up and start living again.  I will do that too...sadly, but I will do it.  My m-i-l says the week starts next Monday so I'm going with what she says.

Sitting here crying and had a conversation with Joe.  Told him all about the kids and grandkids.  Told him that the gifts he had picked out for them were given and accepted very, very gratefully.  Told him he would have loved his service.  Did it just the way he always told me he would want.  Maybe I'm nuts but I think his spirit is with me and he hears what I say.

I'm going to go bawl my eyes out some more and hopefully collapse into some sleep.  I MISS him so damn much!!!

Love you all!

I never knew I could hurt so much in my heart!

Oct 28, 2014 - 3 comments

The kids left this morning....Annie cried, Max begged Courtney to let him stay with me for a few more days but they have school, she has a job...they had to go.  Last Monday when Joe saw our Primary he set up some appointments for me for tests because he was so worried about my diverticulitis.  This was before my long, long low grade fever went away.  I told him it was gone because the infection was finally gone but that the inflammation would take a little longer and then I should be pain free as long as I don't cheat on my diet.

Since I promised him I would do these tests I went.  My Dr. says no way can I work .... he wants me to push very hard for disability...well that could take years if I get a denial but I'm going to try to get hold of the woman who helped Joe....she got him on his disability in 1 month from the day I first spoke to her.  I'm not as much of an emergency but if she could get me on disability in 6 months I could survive.

Anyway, I'm not talking to anyone but apparently I must have looked really sad because people kept asking me if I was okay.  Every time they asked I burst into tears.  Finally Roxanne came and got me and put me in the file room to sit so I could be by myself while I waited on the doc.  Got all that done.  Had the owner of my mechanic shop call me and he made a very generous offer on the two older cars.  Well, we've been loyal customers for years and I knew he would make an offer...but this offer is REALLY generous which I appreciate.  Okay remember small town...basically everyone knows everyone and if they don't know you they know someone who does know you.  I mentioned a few years ago to one guy (owner of a seafood shop) that Joe had bought a gun and that I was really unhappy about it.  I hate guns, I didn't think we needed a is not like we live in a big city.  Yes, bad things can happen here too BUT I just don't want or need a gun.  He remembered what I said and told a friend of his who owns a jewelry store about the gun and I got another call from a man who carries a permit AND is a member of the police department in some kind of advisory capacity (I would imagine white collar crime....valuing thefts of jewelry from homes, etc something like that).  He ended up making yet another very generous offer.  In this case he offered almost three times the amount Joe paid for it.  The upshot is I can afford to pay my bills for at least two months now.  At least I don't have that fear for the moment and it gives me time to grieve without that worry and it gives me time to deal.

So then all the doctors I saw today talked to me about pulmonary embolus and/or embolism and just trust me on this...none of it makes sense except for one thing....the weakness that he had.  Usually someone who is going to have an embolism/embolus IF they had a CT scan something would show that would give a warning...Hey doc...better check this out too.  In Joe's case all they saw was no sign of cancer, no sign of inflammation, very slight scar tissue...nada.  If it had been caused by his heart he should have had some pain...even if it was just for a few seconds.  I could go on and on and I know that he was a very sick man.  We both knew that we would be lucky if he stayed for another 6 months on up.  We knew something else was going to happen because he had no immune system and his body had already been through hell.  But when our surgeon, according to his assistant, tells me that his mouth literally dropped open and he said "What the hell"?....even he doesn't understand.  So Kimmy told me he's going to research everything so that we can have some definitive answers.  I need that, his mom needs that...hell we all need that.

In the meantime, I still would love to have oblivion but I'm hanging on to my sobriety because I know Joe is watching over me and if I took a pill...hell even if I did something he knows I don't like...smoking pot or drinking for instance, he would not judge, he would not yell at me but he WOULD be extremely worried about no...I'm not going to do anything like that.

The last few days have been a haze....too many people, too much talk, I hate to say this, even too many hugs.  Everyone, even my m-i-l finally seem to understand what kind of person I am....everyone is going to leave me alone for two I can grieve privately....truly guys that is what I need.  I'm a strange fact, that is what Joe loved the most about me...that I was so different from most women (in his opinion).  I think everyone grieves my case I need time to myself to think, to cry, to sleep to commune with myself...hell to sit and have a conversation with Joe if I want to.  Once those 2 days are up I will quit being a hermit.  By the ways, being a hermit does not mean I'm not going to see anyone...I will still go to service, I will still meet with my addiction counselor and I will still have my addiction meet with the pastor this week...but that's it for public visitations.  Now I know some of you are going to say "you can't be by yourself"...well yes I can...I deal better with sad, angry, bad things by myself for a little while.  

As you can also see, I'm not blocking myself entirely....I have all of you here that I know will listen to my rants without judgement and I know you are all here to support me if and when I need it.  I also have my mother and my best friend on speed dial and they both are staying home tonight and tomorrow nite just in case I have a bad moment and find that I really, really need to hear a voice.

Sorry about the long entry here...I guess I had a lot to ramble a lot.  I will get through this...I know I will...but I know I will be sad for a long, long time.

Thank you all my dear MH Family....and a special thank you to those of you who don't even know who I am but still wrote to me and were so kind.  Hopefully by the weekend or the beginning of next week I will be to the point where I can answer all the lovely PM's I've gotten.

Love you all very, very much!

PK (or just Krazy Kaye)

10/26 Posting...all about everything...just posted in wrong place

Oct 28, 2014 - 0 comments

Courtney was the only one of Joe's children able to come.  Matt, of course, couldn't since he is in prison but I'm really upset about Cameron.  He only lives 20 minutes from his sister and he could have driven up with her and the kids but he said "I just think I can't do it".  I understand those feelings, I truly do, but I believe he is going to regret it.  In the last year he has not written nor called his dad one time.  Not once.  I know it hurt Joe very badly but I would tell him that Cam has issues (which he does) and he's just like his daddy.  Very sensitive and when he feels guilty he runs...he doesn't deal with the issue.  Wow, that reminds me of the man I met.  It was only until he met me and learned how to live life differently before he confronted his demons and got his life on track.  I used to tell him that Cameron will eventually learn how to do that too...perhaps with the help of a good friend or a good woman or just on his own.
  In the meantime, it is great to have the kids here...Annie lost her other grandfather just two months ago and she's only 8 years old so this is very, very painful for her.  We had a long talk and while I normally wouldn't do this I did it with the permission of Courtney.  I explained what Joe had gone through and I explained how easy and pain free his passing was.  I explained what was in his future had he not passed.  I also explained that this is life...we are given life, we live life and eventually we pass on to something better ( I truly believe that).
  I told her that I think that her granddad is now going to be her guardian angel and that he loved her more than anything in the world and that she will always be his "Annie Angel".  Long story short, every time Joe was hospitalized I would buy him an angel.  Last year it was a gorgeous little girl ceramic soon as Joe saw it he said "That's my Annie Angel".  I gave her the angel along with a gift of a necklace Joe had bought to give her in a couple of years along with a song he had written for her.  When I was done she was not crying any more.  She smiled the sweetest smile and said thank you, now I know Grandpa is with God and that he isn't in pain anymore and that someday in 50, 60, 70 years that he will be waiting to greet me.
  I was so touched by her earnest response.  She is such a doll.  The kids all understand too that no matter that I am not their biological mother, grandmother, etc that they will always be my family in good times and bad.  That I will always be there for them.  All in all I think it went very, very good.
  I also talked to the in-laws.  They don't understand someone wanting to be a hermit but I got them to understand that if I could just have two days to be by myself, to cry all I want, to do nothing but sleep if I want, to just sit around and listen to Joe's music and his singing if I want is what I need.  Once I have that bit of time to myself I will be able to pick myself up by the bootstraps and carry on.  I know that is what Joe wanted me to do.  I know also that he was very worried about my health so I am going to keep all the appointments (that he set up last Monday!).
  I think I'm going to be able to do this and keep my sobriety BUT I'm not going to get cocky about it.  If I have to come here every day and post about my day then that is what I will do.  If I have to talk to my Pastor on the phone every day then that is what I will do, well, you get the idea.  As the adult it is my responsibility to show our little ones that we can grieve and be sad but that our loved ones would want us to live life.  That doesn't mean we have to go tap just means that we do something every day...just a little more every day...and that it is okay to take a little time every day to do a little bit of grieving.
  Everyone is asleep now...I'm very hopeful that I might sleep tonight since the house is not "quiet".  I can hear the sounds of others breathing and making little movements...perhaps that's why I haven't slept...because of the dead silence!