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hit it

Aug 18, 2009 - 0 comments

my bf, the only stronghold i have right now, the only one that knows everything thats going on, the only thing that's been keeping me from breaking down this whole time once again accused me of cheating on him last night. because i attached a boxcutter to the car vent (i find i'm using it alot in the car and hate digging for it on the floor) and the pass side door was unlocked (the elec locks on that door work on and off) i got home late because of a late sample at work, and at 8pm the girls still hadn't been fed supper, he was playing wow. he wenrt to the car to find my credit card (cause i let him use it last) and comes back in asking who it was. Obviously i had no idea what the hell he's talking about, the only thing i've been able to think about these past three weeks is how to keep this baby alive and to not cry. i broke down. i went straight to bed and cried till ifell asleep about 1130. he didn't even get the girls to bed till 1100. then he came to bed about 1230, and i went to the couch at 1245. woke up and he made orange rolls, but i refused to eat, i'm not hungry. when he pulled the blanket off me i went into the bedroom again and started bawling again until about 1245 when i had to get ready for work. now i'm sitting here and struggling to keep the tears back. do i really want to bring a baby into this world  where his dad will always be accusing his mom of cheating, when its the last thing on my mind?! the only thoughts that were keeping me from breaking down were about how much i love my bf and all the sweet ways he used to hold me and kiss me, before he resorted to the eye rolling and quick pecks. i miss him. i just want his love again, but i don't know what to do. the terrible thing is  all i've thought about today is how to help myself miscarry and not having a child with this man. he did come in and hold me for a while this morning, but he never asked me what was wrong, and it felt more like he felt he had to instead of wanted to. we haven't had sex for three weeks, and that's tearin me apart too. we didn't at first because i started bleeding and then i found out that it could promote a miscarriage with the complications i'm having, so we wanted to wait till we found out, and i still haven't found out. i'm just so frustraited and hurt

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babys heart beat

Aug 17, 2009 - 0 comments

went in for us today and saw the baby'y heart beat. while it is a good sign, by the baby's measurement, it should be about 120bpm, and its at 72bpm. so i'm really worried and want to really just stop smoking entirely. But with how much stress i have each day with financial and family concerns, i need that moment to myself. And i can't get it in anyother way. I am proud of myself though, i only had one yesterday. I think when i get home i'm putting my smokes in the freezer so they aren't next to me 24/7. and i have to wait to be at home. i have somewhat high hopes.


couldn't sleep

Aug 13, 2009 - 0 comments

i couldn't sleep at all last night hen my bf came home late, he'd left a message but i didn't get it. then i was thinking about all my past mistakes and choices and ruined opportunities, and yeah.

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talk to ex today

Aug 12, 2009 - 0 comments

I have to talk to my ex about the housing issue tonite, and i'm not excited about that, but i'm a little more level headed about it now. i also need to get my financial aid situation in order for school because they're screwing me out of it, and i hate talking on the phone

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