Feb 15, 2014
I am having such a hard time. Please MH friends, I don't want to burden you. Please don't feel obliged to comment back or even read. I really just need to write so I can cope with some of this frustration I am harboring. It is too much to keep inside at this point. I feel like I am going to burst.
Yesterday was Valentines Day. For the past 16 years it was the happiest day of my life. My (soon to be ex) husband and I met on Valentines day and we have always celebrated it as our anniversary. Unfortunately, yesterday was not a cause for celebration. Instead of being happy, we got into the worst fight we have ever been in. This divorce has wreaked havoc on my life. I am trying so hard to stay positive but I am really struggling today.
Being in WD is not helping the situation at all. it is taking my emotions and making them a thousand times worse. I never realized how numb I used to be until I now see how painful my emotions really are. i am sorry for complaining, but my life has turned upside down.
I wish I had family around. Unfortunately, my parents live in Fl and my brother lives in TX. With going to divorce court all the time and trying to fulfill my legal obligations (divorce is a lot of work I have found out; there is a lot of documentation required) i just can't get away. I want nothing more than to run away to Florida right now and escape my life for a month or two. I think getting away from my (soon ex) husband right now would be the best thing to do. Everytime we talk, it ends up being World War III. Unfortunately, to see my kids I have to deal with him. I am at the point right now that to protect my emotional health, I may need to stay away from all of it for a few weeks until I regain the strength to deal with the situation. I think I will just send cards to my kids for a little while why I regroup. An unstable mother is much worse than an absent mother for a few weeks.
I wish I had a better support system. (My (soon ex) husband has been my entire support system for the past several years. I have depended on him completely, I got married very young and he is 10 years older than me so he was always my sole supporter.) Since I got sick a few years ago, I dropped out of many of my social circles. When you are sick and struggling to make it through the day, you have no desire to go out at night and socialize. (Plus, most people get tired of listening to other peoples ailments, I can't blame them, that is life.) I just wanted to go to bed. I also think all the meds I was on played a part in that as well. Fentanyl killed my ambition and motivation. Prior to being sick, I was an overachiever. I graduated valedictorian from my university, Summa *** Laude. I ranked number one in my pharmaceutical company for sales. I supported my family making twice what my husband made at an attorney and i paid his entire law school loans with my bonus one year. I had drive and energy to burn. Now I am living on $2000 a month in social security. (I do not receive any alimony and my husband wants child support.) I am lucky if I can shower most days. Put on make up and blow dry my hair? not so much anymore.
Everything is such a struggle for me over the past few years. I ruined my marriage because of it. I take full responsibility for the demise of my marriage. I turned into someone I wouldn't want to be married to. My husband told me he didn't want to be married to me anymore because he was bitter that he couldn't live the life that he wanted to anymore. he couldn't go away for the week with his friends or make any committments for extended plans because he couldn't count on me to take care of the kids if I was sick or hospitalized. It hurts terribly to be rejected by someone you love. He told me last night that he and the kids would be better off if i was dead or just went away for ever and never came back. I told him that was abusive. He said it's not abusive if its the truth. I guess the truth hurts. I am not suicidal because I don't believe in that, I would not let him win. It still hurts though.
This child custody struggle is wearing me thin. i saw the report that he gave the court and he flat-out lied. he made me out to sound like an absentee mother when nothing could be further from the truth. i will admit that I have been sick and hospitalized often throughout the past several years, I have not been able to be the perfect PTO mom, but I did the best I could with dealing with all my illnesses. I sent him an email last night reminding him of all the good things that I have done as a mom, I volunteered once a week in every kids classroom and was a room mother. I went to every single parent teacher conference and school presentation. I drove to basketball, soccer, gymnastics, dance, girl scouts, boy scouts and every other activitiy. I fought for my youngest to get birth-to-three services for speech and had her receive services 2x a week for 2 years. I joined playgroups for each of my kids so they could interact with kids their age and brought them to storytime at the library every week for crafts. I fought for my middle child to get outside testing and diagnosed with dyslexia/dyspraxia so she could get services through the school because insurance doesn't cover it. I took those kids to every single dr. and dentist appointment--which for 3 kids is a lot (my pediatrician had never met my husband until last year!) I planned and hosted every single birthday party for those kids and sent treats into school every year on their birthday. Every school break i took those kids on trips to the museum, science center, apple/strawberry picking, Six Flags, various parks and splash pads. These are just a few things off the top of my head that i did for my kids.
And you know what my husbands report to the court was? She was an "absentee mother that did the bare minimum in participating with her children". I agree that i was sick, sick a lot and spent a lot of time in the hospital, getting IV infusions, and getting much needed bed rest. But, despite my illnesses, I don't think a completely absentee mother would have done half of the things that I did. The bottom line is that the court will believe my husband, a fine upstanding attorney with a stable job excellent health. They will absolutely take his word over a physically sick woman battling multiple illnesses, taking 24 different medications including heavy duty narcotics, supported by the government on social security and battling with severe depression and serotonin syndrome causing erratic behavior from being overmedicated the past 4 years. I don't have a snowballs chance in hell to regain joint custody of these kids. I wish i would have had an attorney earlier, because I found out I was manipulated in a lot of ways. In december I signed away custody because I did not have an attorney and he told me if he didn't do it, he would make my life miserable. i just wanted it over and signed the form. I regret it terribly now. He has made my life miserable in other ways.
I know I have said it a thousand times, but I am just struggling so much right now. I don't know what to do at this point. i am so angry that he told the court that I am a worthless mother. That is the most hurful thing anyone has ever said to me. That was even more hurtful than telling me he and the kids would be better off if I was dead. That I can deal with, but discrediting my entire past is beyond any pain that i can express. As i have thought this out, I know what I need to do. I need to stop all contact with him for a while, 2-3 weeks at least. I am sorry that I won't be able to see my kids, but in the long run it will be better for them to have a more stable mom. I am no good for anyone right now. When I talked to him last night, I blew up as a result to his insults and that does nothing to enhance my credibility for working towards stability. I need to increase my support system. I need to try to get out more and make some new friends. (All of my previous friends were mutual and it has become a very uncomfortable situation; he has made sure to spread all of my issues around town so he won't be blamed for abandoning his handicapped disabled wife.)
I need to do whatever i can to increase my support system, make new friends and get out more. i need to do whatever i can that doesn't involve him. I need to make every effort to lead my life without him.
I love you all MH. Thank you for always being there. I don't know what I would do without you right now. MH has turned into one of my main support systems. Love, love, love you all.