Feb 17, 2014
I really need to make a 'Tracker on myself' list i think. One on paper and pt it neer to had so i can put EVERYTHING from the second i get up %$£"! whoop! to all stuff no matter how much or how tiny you know like i was a 'LAB' experiment.Where every nano second is logged and tagged even when you scratch your butt so you can see if theres a pattern of any type at all.
I have a 'Mindfulness' book i borrowed from the Library and in it is a tale about ''The man who wanted to be rich and was so busy 'SEARCHING' outside of himself. That what happened was 'A man who wanted to become wealthy was walking along the road and sat on the road was another man who was dirty and wearing rags.
The 'get rich' man looked at the ragged man like he was a bad taste in his mouth and thought 'THATS what im NOT going to be!!' as if the mans appearance was the worst thing on the planet? Then went out of his way to croos the road putting more distance to his journey just to avoid walking past this man?
But what he never saw when the man was right in front of him was a hat the man was holding wasn't for people to put money in for him, nut he had in there gold coins and was giving them to anyone that walked past him and just one of the gold coins would have made the man richer than he even dreamed?
So i am wondering am i missing something thats in front of me thats the help i am searching for? And besides company at home now and again one small thing that would do so much to get me where i desperately want to be but help so many others?I know we ALL miss whats in front of us, but when there is another person around you they can point you right to it. I did it a million times with other people. And the other thing is the truth is not always what you want to hear. But you GOT to listen and DO to bring that desperately needed change and yes.
We're ALL mostly going to feel like we're going crazy or THIS IS IT!! NO MORE!! But thats why i log on and type a lot pain or no pain it's better to get it out than allow THAT to go off kike an H Bomb? I am not saying that will stop it BUT it does give you your perspective uin front of you and enable you to sit typing rather than doing God knows what? Its hard to hold control over things everything takes practice and DOING its no good knowing everything if you don't use what you know or some one being kind enough to help you help yourself.
And evryone feels diferently some feel the moods are the worse others the physical. I know when i feel down and i'm in pain if the pain level leaps?? Thats jhhell as then you may not be able to do anything or move from where you are. All you can do is do waht you can. I catch myself sitting thinking about what to do or feel guilty for not doing anything? But i do a lot more than most people i know that are ok and no one should feel guilty when there's no urgency to do something. But i guess its just my way if dealing with things. I rather do than sit wishing and worrying. I get terrible anxiety and once a day and that usually ends up evening time as i do stuff indoors House work and house hold stuff.
But i really need to do more like i used to as a kid i would go to nature or go lay in a feild looking at the sky. Last spring for the first 3 weeks of march i had got off the oxy's again after the DR putting me back on and made myself go over the woods and go futher and longer everyday until i did a few hours a day through out the day at different timse. But i was with the EX then and he weighed me down and caused stress and problems evrytime i tried to get better he sabotaged me. And tahts easy to do to some one when their using all they git to get right and where weak when they staretd???