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Feb 17, 2014 - 2 comments

I really need to make a 'Tracker on myself' list i think. One on paper and pt it neer to had so i can put EVERYTHING from the second i get up %$£"! whoop! to all stuff no matter how much or how tiny you know like i was a 'LAB' experiment.Where every nano second is logged and tagged even when you scratch your butt so you can see if theres a pattern of any type at all.

I have a 'Mindfulness' book i borrowed from the Library and in it is a tale about ''The man who wanted to be rich and was so busy 'SEARCHING'  outside of himself. That what happened was 'A man who wanted to become wealthy was walking along the road and sat on the road was another man who was dirty and wearing rags.

The 'get rich' man looked at the ragged man like he was a bad taste in his mouth and thought 'THATS what im NOT going to be!!' as if the mans appearance was the worst thing on the planet?  Then went out of his way to croos the road putting more distance to his journey just to avoid walking past this man?

But what he never saw when the man was right in front of him was a hat the man was holding wasn't for people to put money in for him, nut he had in there gold coins and was giving them to anyone that walked past him and just one of the gold coins would have made the man richer than he even dreamed?

So i am wondering am i missing something thats in front of me thats the help i am searching for? And besides company at home now and again one small thing that would do so much to get me where i desperately want to be but help so many others?I know we ALL miss whats in front of us, but when there is another person around you they can point you right to it. I did it a million times with other people. And the other thing is the truth is not always what you want to hear. But you GOT to listen and DO to bring that desperately needed change and yes.

We're ALL mostly going to feel like we're going crazy or THIS IS IT!! NO MORE!! But thats why i log on and type a lot pain or no pain it's better to get it out than allow THAT to go off kike an H Bomb? I am not saying that will stop it BUT it does give you your perspective uin front of you and enable you to sit typing rather than doing God knows what? Its hard to hold control over things everything takes practice and DOING its no good knowing everything if you don't use what you know or some one being kind enough to help you help yourself.

And evryone feels diferently some feel the moods are the worse others the physical. I know when i feel down and i'm in pain if the pain level leaps?? Thats jhhell as then you may not be able to do anything or move from where you are. All you can do is do waht you can. I catch myself sitting thinking about what to do or feel guilty for not doing anything? But i do a lot more than most people i know that are ok and no one should feel guilty when there's no urgency to do something. But i guess its just my way if dealing with things. I rather do than sit wishing and worrying. I get terrible anxiety and once a day and that usually ends up evening time as i do stuff indoors House work and house hold stuff.

But i really need to do more like i used to as a kid i would go to nature or go lay in a feild looking at the sky. Last spring for the first 3 weeks of march i had got off the oxy's again after the DR putting me back on and made myself go over the woods and go futher and longer everyday until i did a few hours a day through out the day at different timse. But i was with the EX then and he weighed me down and caused stress and problems evrytime i tried to get better he sabotaged me. And tahts easy to do to some one when their using all they git to get right and where weak when they staretd???

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by nursegirl6572, Feb 17, 2014
Hi again dear!

I think journaling is a GREAT outlet for the mind, and like you said, it's also great at documenting things to then later look at to try to identify patterns, triggers, and the like.

I do want to caution you though, don't become obsessive about it, as that kind of ends up defeating the purpose.  You don't have to log every single moment of every single day.  The best way to journal is to write down your thoughts and feelings (like a "recap") at the end of each day, or if you fear you'll forget something important, then you could do two entries.  I wouldn't advise doing much more.  Obviously if something very significant happens in between, then you can record it in your journal.

Don't look at it like a chore, or something you have to do, but rather as a cathartic emotional outlet, a way to organize your thoughts, and a way you can learn more about yourself.  <3

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by Tswana, Feb 17, 2014
Hi its nit written in stone hun xx Its just my state of mind at the moment i haven't got tio stick to it like glue as your saying it can become obsesive to the point it's counter productive like teying to correct every small spelling mis take im making because i'm having problems with a few things, hands being one, And its at that point now your not sure if whats happening is WD symptoms (which it probably is)but i had certain problens start before i started tapering and im dropping 10mg every few day's. Thr tapers i looked at people either did the complete jump odd what ever dose then off. But most 'jumpers'' all got partners or friends that are there to help. Its a great help if you got some one can do the essesntials like make sure your safe, clean up the runs and vomit as before you can blikn your off again? If it wasnt for all the pain, muscle spasm, burning sensation zaps all sorts of crap . Butt what im wondering is you never hear much about it now and thats DR's who take/or ''invent'' a drug for certain Conditions and the reason being is A they have the ailment their treating in others so have a first hand in the actuall suffering it causes rather than be ''book washed'' as i call it. You know the 'BIBLICAL'' As it is written!! So it is True!! Man! THATS what people belived 1,000.000.000 year's ago? And so much for 'Advancement'' CRAP!! They still

GO BY THE BOOK'' But there is NO one set of rules in Addiction and thats really dangerous for them to think like that? For instance i was taken in to Hospital and on a high dose of Diazapam  at the time and was put on a drip and had so much opiates and God knows what eles pumped in to me. The one  Drug they never gave me was the Valium, now if i had gone into a state where i was unable to comunicate and i wasn't far off it. I could have died i never even knew what they were giving me at the time and i asked a Nurse if i could have a Diazapam (valium) and she looked at my Meds and said 'Your not written up for it'' i thought she must be wrong i was on a high dose and had been for years.

But the Dr hadn't amd instaed of Oxy he had put 2 other Drugs and i was in a right state Mentally and then i decided i after seeing DR **** head, and asking why the hell he'd not given them and THEN found out i had been there for 4-5 days and not had one? I thought i was onlt there 24 hours or just gone 24 hrs. I then said 'I can't believe i been on that high a dose of that drug and not having it for a short amount of time at that big a dose or even LOWER doses can kill me? Cause fits so bad your nace breaks?

Brain damage? A big list of WTF?? You can't just stop it and those who survive WD off that drug got horror stories to rell? Its bad enough when you Taper i was on a huge dose of Ativan ( the Dr put me on them for PSTD) and just kept saying take more as they never helped at all. And i told him i was taking a strip or 3 most days. And i was precribed massive repeat doses every few days? I never knew nothing about drugs at all. I never knew how Antibiotics worked, just they were for infection. And i stopped taking Ativan after 2 or 3months as they never stopped the Panic attacks which were getting worse and even before the Ativan i was going rigid amd my jaws would lock in my sleep then i'd wake up like itt and feeling like electricity was surging through my body?? I've never met anyone else that had the 'Electric' thing happen all the pther Panic stuff but not that.

Yeah but to cut a long story short, typing is just a way of getting rid of whats going on in your head some times a way of giving jumbled repeating thoughts somr where to go rather than pile up with the other ones. You know the 'Is this WD's or is something freaky happening?  And WD makes people ramble on as if they were high as well, like the Girl on the phone from NA their (SUPPOSED) to be clean to man the phones in case some one rings in as an emerganciyi guess as well as infomation.

And because Drug use in certain Familys  spand a few generations ( a guy who was a good friend was addicted to speed at the time and his Uncle is a big dealer of it and been in and out of jail for year's) anyway his familt ALL were at it and although i never did more than smoke weed as i was around them when i went out dancing and the one sister who never took drugs was a good friend. It was just 'NORMAL' were they were concerned i'd never known them any different it was how they lived for year's. SSOOO thier friends were ALL Adicts as well and i saw people shooting up all sorts of stuff. In the end i could tell you who had taken what just by looking at them. But the Chick on the phone? That was deffinately 'H'. And the help line is in London and the Drugs scene up there is bad!!

Sorry i know this is all over the place i dropped the Oxys again and i'm tired i keep waking up 3-4am in the Morning i had one night of 8hrsds sleep a but i'm really tired all day. And come the evening i start to liven up a bit but i go to bed as soon as i feel tired. In the day i feel like i could go to sleep every 2 minetes and my eyes start to close but i'm worried if i go to bed in the day i won't sleep at nigh which is daft really as any sleep is better that none but theres no one around at night and when i go for a walk in the day theres always some one to talk to even if you don;t know them. People here are pretty friendly if you talk to them first. <3 xxx

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