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Frustrated efforts

Jun 28, 2009 - 10 comments

Well, I knew where my mother would keep her sleeping pills so I hid them in the rag I was using to clean her walls - surprise house showing today. I brought them home and looked them up on line - Zolpederm I think the name is, to see if they were the right kind. First thing I see is "People committing suicide THINK they'll take a lot of sleeping pills - ala Marilyn Monroe - and just fall asleep untill they die but most people attempting this find they wake choking on their vomit." Why? Why is EVERY different way to do away with yourself supposed to fail? I'm thinking this must be just propaganda because that's all you ever hear about - nope, don't even bother, there's so many ways for you to die but DO NOT ATTEMPT THIS AT HOME!

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Avatar universal
by rogelio63, Jun 28, 2009
Success is something we all want I think.  But success at suicide is something we generally don't want!  Potential for good in ways you can't even fathom, or in ways you don't even recognize as good, POOF, disappear.  No one, including me because although I've never met you, you are my friend, wants you to succeed in this endeavor.
You say, "the right kind"?  The right kind to use to kill yourself??  I don't think it's propaganda, I think it's true.  It's an opportunity for you to step back and say, "Hey, there are a lot of ways to die, but this isn't one of them."  Death will come for us all in his/her own good time, until then we need to look for our mission here no matter how large or small.
I don't mean to preach to you.  And honestly, I don't know if I understood your journal correctly.  I just care what happens to you.

505907 tn?1258369340
by LetaB, Jun 29, 2009
You understood me correctly, sir and though I am so blushing to think that so many would miss me they should always remember how long I suffered to stay in this world because of that. When it comes down to it it's quite selfish for people to insist that others prolong their emptiness because THEY need them. Tomorrow is my mother's birthday and I think it would be pretty horrible of me to celebrate it by stealing her pills and using them that way so I'll wait. If I wait TOO long obviously I'll have to go a whole month so I can have enough pills to do it. I'm not living  I'm only waiting.

585414 tn?1288941302
by ILADVOCATE, Jun 29, 2009
Things have taken a turn for the worse and that day is an emotional trigger point that is setting things off for you. We all go through that myself included. Speak to your psychiatrist and therapist and also any friends or family you have that support you. I can't say at times I don't experience these feelings to but I take some action so I don't feel that way and if I couldn't stop it I'd seek the support I need.

585414 tn?1288941302
by ILADVOCATE, Jun 29, 2009
And I would say right now its essential to throw those pills out. Just say you don't really feel that way and don't give yourself the means to achieve something you would ultimately regret. There are means to work things out with those feelings. Your mother's death was traumatic for you. Its understandable. But if she were alive she'd want you here.

Avatar universal
by teko, Jun 29, 2009
Suicide is the ultimate selfish act toward yourself, god, and those who care about you. I believe there is a time to be born, a time to cry, and a time to die. Life is a journey and tho you are in unsurmountable pain right now, try to remember the sun will shine again. I had a best friend that was married for several years to a pastor. He paid all the bills, she did not even know what a bill looked like. They had two girls. One was a teenager and the other was 7 at the time. I lived a few doors down the street. The hubby died. She was totally lost, could not cope. Then one day she came to me and talked to me about her feelings. She said she did not know how to go on and would I please look after her kids if anything happened to her. I of course said yes. The next day she blew her brains out. It was about 1 in the afternoon, I heard a shot and then saw the ambulance at her house.  I was/am so angry at her! How dare she do that! Coward! The teen went on to get married and eventually took little sister in to live with her. I am still angry to this day. I feel guilty that I didnt do more to help! If she could have only endured and gotten help, she would still be here and her kids would still have a mom.

So please talk to your friends, family and anyone who will listen to you. Get psychiatric help if you need to. Dont do that to someone and especially yourself. Throw those dam pills away!

505907 tn?1258369340
by LetaB, Jun 29, 2009
Teko, I used to believe that way just like I USED to believe in a loving god. Life has taught me much more than the black and white world I dreamed of. How is my life and what I do with it NOT my own decision? How are YOU to decide how much pain I am in? Anger is a normal reaction to what you experienced but what about compassion? Walk a mile in her shoes. Cowardice? COWARDICE?! Why you've got it all backwards, sister. Have you ever stood there with that gun in your hand? Do you know how intensely alone you feel at that moment? How terrified? I think you all are so unbelieveably self deluded to think that no matter WHAT my life is it's better than being dead. That is merely your human instinct for self preservation that is talking.

585414 tn?1288941302
by ILADVOCATE, Jun 29, 2009
All of your reactions are normal and every person is unique. Just don't internalize any hatred or antagonism towards you or negative feelings and use them against yourself. Life is worth living. Sometimes things need to be changed (and not just treatment but certainly that as well).

Avatar universal
by teko, Jul 01, 2009
Well, I am leaving the forum anyway so what have I got to lose. Yes, I have been where you are and hindsight tells me that their other options. If I or anyone else gave into that temptation we would not have the hindsight to tell you to hang in there. But of course it is your decision to give it all up for nothingness. Enjoy your nothingness if that is what you desire. I am leaving because I have come to the point of not being able to hear it anymore. I prefer to live in a world that is positive. I have had enough negativity to last a lifetime. I hope you are at peace with whatever dicision you make. I cannot help you make that decision either way. I still think it is the easy and cowardly way out. Just my opinion.

505907 tn?1258369340
by LetaB, Jul 03, 2009
I can see your point because I've been there. Like I said, I certainly thought it was easy - until I tried hard - twice. Third time's the charm they do say.

585414 tn?1288941302
by ILADVOCATE, Aug 04, 2009
Or maybe not. I've been through some rampant dysphoria myself (where I hate the world and it appears death like) and although not all of it is psychiatric some may have been and with that new treatment I am on (that I found out about through my own research and presented to my providers and they accepted my starting it) is helping me that they are researching and may write up. To be frank I had suicidal ideations during that time and felt life wasn't worth living. Truthfully its a matter of how you define things. I had to work with the system to define my own recovery. When things have gone totally downhill its often a matter of putting together  some practical steps to find your way back up. Just say to yourself that suicide is not an option and try to think over the realistic traumatic events that have occured in your life and speak to someone about that and if treatment is not working you could discuss that with a psychiatrist as often its a matter of both at once.

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