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As my road gets lonelier

Feb 23, 2014 - 1 comments

Last wednesday, my brother John, 45 years old, was found by his roomate face down on the living room floor. My family wants to deny that his addiction to Oxycontin and Alchohol were the cause of his death..  but I know the truth. Maybe.. I should just try and do as they did and just accept his death as "Heart Failure". But, there's really no chance for that. He lived with me for over 4 months a year ago.. under the pretense of him cleaning up and getting his life back in order. But... that didn't work out.  And now I have even more baggage to carry around. Seeing that when I made him move out, it wasn't exactly on good terms. I held a grudge that I shouldn't have. And after his repeated attempts to appoligize for his behavior, I turned my back. I would love to blame it on how so many in my family used me. But... it doesn't absolve me for not letting it go. And now I will never have the chance to tell him I love him. Its weird.. its been almost two weeks now. And I still haven't mentally or emotionally accepted that he's gone.  I don't know if I ever will.   I was talking with some of my family/friends about how I am struggling with the fact that over the last three years, I have been to more funerals than weddings. And I get it that as you get older, this is a natural progression. But... when the funerals are of people under the age of 50.. most under the age of 40. Its difficult to wrap my head around.  I just feel so damn lost right now. So tired of saying goodbye to people who's life was cut short. I don't know. It just doesn't feel right.   I know that my brother is finally free of the demons that chased him through life... I just wish he could of done this in life.
To all that may be reading this... Never hold grudges with those you hold dear. Cause one day, you may wake up, and find its too late to forgive.   RIP John (John-E-boy) K. May you be at peace.

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by Tswana, Feb 23, 2014
I cant type write now my hands are real bad, but i want to say i'm sorry for your loss and the shock will make it feel unreal for sometime although you know whats happened i was like it with my Mother then other friends younger than me and my aged seemingly going one after the other? And your right about it becoming so 'regular' at a certain age, my sister broke down and said about it happening 'Why???' and i said the same as you 'we're at that age now' . I

hope you find peace and in a way i believe 'going in to shock'' at times like this is preservation of our sanity kicking in. Its awful when its friends and hell when its Family I was like you with my Mum total disbelief and i'm sure if id lost it then i'd never have come back. Its only now 5 yrs on i started to Grieve but i can get a grip on it most of the time but its best to let it out if you can. Thinking of you and your Family Love Tswana xxxx <3

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