All Journal Entries Journals

I hate this!!

May 07, 2008 - 6 comments

So maybe I'm just upset because AF showed up today and I'm not pregnant... again... just as I've not been pregnant in the last three years with the exception of two m/c... I don't think I can take it anymore... yeah, maybe I'm just upset today and tomorrow I'll feel differently, but I think I'm done... I don't want to try anymore... I won't be around next month during O time now since AF was late, so it definitely won't happen next month. So I have to wait until June/July to try again. No - I can't deal with this anymore... I'm fine until AF shows, then I just completely lose it. Start thinking of all the people, family members, that have babies and I just can't. Who gets to decide how this works out anyway? Why can my young unmarried sister get pg and I can't, even though I've been trying for 3 long years. I can't understand it... can't deal with it. I just hate this - I don't know what to do anymore. Can't afford IUI right now and that's the next step, and would it do any good anyway? Nothing else has done any good. I am so sick of going to my doctor, making appointments, taking pills, why should I have to do all that ****?? Why couldn't I just get pregnant like half the other population... it seems so unfair and I just can't deal with it anymore. I think I'm going to quit. I feel so low right now... I really hope my feelings change by the time tomorrow comes around... but I'll just feel the same way next month when AF comes around

Post a Comment
443102 tn?1222129546
by mommyof3andhopefully4, May 07, 2008
Awwww Jen.....I know this sucks so bad.  I hope you find peace with it and are able to move on tomorrow.  Go eat a big bowl of ice cream, drink a glass of wine, or two or three....try to really comce to peace with it.  It sucks so bad.  

My RE's nurse called and said I could go in for BW first thing tomorrow....I don't know, I am not feeling good about it.  I just kind of started have AF symptoms even though my temp went up.  A few people that looked at my chart said it looked good, but....oh well....I am trying to keep my chin up, but like you it is so hard.  

Please hang in there.  I am with you too...we are stopping after this month.  It has been 11 months for me and it is nothing like your wait, but even that has been so trying.  Hang in there and let me know if there is anything I can do.


199914 tn?1295893647
by Itlyncutie87, May 07, 2008
I'm so sorry hun :(

Don't give up!! I feel the same way every time AF comes and we have only been trying for a year but I know what you mean about how everyone around you gets pregnant and we get NOTHING. I hate it so much but just don't try as hard I guess. That's easier said then done believe me I know. But please hun don't give up! I will miss you too much if you leave :(

178239 tn?1277409091
by tina1111, May 07, 2008
I am sorry :(  I know the feeling all too well. Been at it way too long and it's the same all the time. I've spent enough $$ on tests to have raised a dozen children and nothing and no reason. We all feel this way every bfn cycle. I wish you didn't have to go thru this, too. We all can relate, that's why we're here. Know that we care and are here for you (((hugs)))

126762 tn?1325265405
by jen023, May 08, 2008
Hi ladies - thanks for your comments, i really appreciate it... I alwasy try to tell myself to NOT get on here the day AF shows because I do tend to blow up about it... and then I usually feel better the next day. Yeah, I do feel better today, but I'm going to try two more cycle (actually one because next cycle I won't be around)... if nothing happens, then I'll stay on my meds for blood clotting and low prog but stop everything else... no more keeping a calendar - it's just driving me insane... I'll still come here, because I think I'm addicted - and want to see how everyone is doing - but I'm not going to actively try for a few months starting in July. I need to do something different. Anyway, maybe by that time we'll have saved enough for IUI... thanks again for all the support, ladies!

369912 tn?1229653690
by aweeonetolove, May 08, 2008
I'm so sorry that AF showed up. It shows that my rooting for you came to squat.  Next time you try, I've got to step it up a notch.  Maybe I should meditate or something and send all those good vibes your way.  Massage that wee belly of yours with positive thinking and sticky bean thoughts so that something, finally, after all these deserved years darned well happens!  
No, in all seriousness.  I'm sorry that AF left you feeling so dwon.  It's quite easy to tell yourself NOT to get down, it's another whole episode to actually do it.  Besides, I believe it is important to indulge privately (and the internet is a fantastic private forum) in your emotions.  That way you can experience them but don't take them out on others.  Besides, it is important to say: This is how I feel and I need to feel this way right now in this moment.  
You have been ttc'ing for a long time. And it is a rough journey that pulls at your emotional needs and wants for two weeks of every month.  I think taking a break for the one month will be excellent and is well deserved.  I also think your idea of not charting, whilst saving money for an IUI, is excellent.  I didn't chart at all last month and my cycle seemed normal again.  All of sudden I had lots of CM. I want to say it was too bad my DH wasn't there but I think had he been, I would have stressed about it and I wouldn't have had a normal cycle.  This month, I started charting again, dh is here and there is no sign of O in my near future.  Take a month off (and maybe longer depending on what you then decide and feel like), get yourself in order.  Let yourself experience a month where you don't get upset by the appearance of AF.  Eat lots of tasty foods, take multi-vitamins for you not for the potential, do yoga or take longs walks, watch tonnes of cheesy movies that make you smile and cry in all those good ways, read some books, make love with your husband without any ulterior motives.  I think a well deserved break is in order for you.  And don't lose your faith.  A break (and maybe that $ for the IUI) might be just what you need.  

398038 tn?1247860603
by candie429, May 08, 2008
Hi Jen.  I am so so so very sorry for your disappointment again this month.  Reading your jounal has brought tears to my eyes.  Probably because I can relate to your feelings all too well.  It's OK to feel the way you do, no apologies!  We all have our moments when we feel like everything is crashing down around us, and for most of us it's usually when awful AF shows up after we've had our hopes up for 2 long weeks.  As you know, we've been TTC for almost 2 years now with no luck and no answers and it is incredibly frustrating.  I can only imagine how intense the feelings would be after going through 3 years and 2 miscarriages.  You have those moments when you look around and see all these pregnant women and kids everywhere and it just breaks your heart when you think about what you're missing out on and how much time you have lost.  Trust me, I know.  It's not that you wish bad things upon these other people, but it's hard to not wish it was you and not understand why it isn't when you know you're a good person and that you and your DH would be good parents and you want it oh so badly!  I think it's definitely a good idea to take a break and maybe reconnect with your DH so that you both remember why you started this crazy journey in the first place!  The meds and the charts and the temps and the BD on demand can certainly take a toll on you and even though our guys tend to act tough, deep down it's just as hard on them.  So, celebrate your anniversary next month and take some time to count your blessings and ask God for the strength you need to keep going.  There's a reason for everything, and I'm sure someday you'll realize the reason that you had to wait.  Maybe God is making you wait because he's working extra-hard to give you the perfect little miracle that you deserve at just the perfect time.  Just don't lose your faith and keep believing that there is a little baby out there who will be blessed to have you as parents someday.  I know times like this are extremely tough and I should probably take my own advice because I go through them too!  If you need to talk, please let me know.  Take care of yourself hun.  Lots of hugs being sent your way!!!

Post a Comment