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I wish today was tomorrow

Jul 07, 2009 - 2 comments

I get so anxious thinking about tomorrow. I am trying so hard to imagine it all going wonderfully and seeing (maybe even hearing) the beautiful heartbeat...and then BAM! That fast, a thought of something bad happening enters my mind...almost before I even realize it's there.  I know that everything is probably fine and I'm going to be so relieved and probably even think that I am an idiot for being so nervous.

But I am nervous. I feel crampy and I start to wonder. I don't feel twinges and I start to wonder. I have a burst of energy and I start to wonder.

I bought some maternity clothes yesterday and I thought I was going to have a full-blown panic attack when I was finished. All I kept thinking about was the first time I bought some clothes and then lost the baby a few weeks later.

My neighbor just broke down on my porch and said that I am being distant and did she do something wrong and I couldn't even console her. I just got mad.  I'm tired of being the strong one to her neediness. Can't she see that I am being a bit selfish and needy right now? I have a lot on my plate and just don't feel like there's anything left of me to go around.

Then I pray that God won't punish me for being un-Christianlike. But where is the line in the sand for being a rug to someone?

I tried to tell her that sometimes the way she acts stresses me out.  It's just easier for me to stay away from everyone when I'm so moody/nauseauted/sensitive then to see people roll their eyes at me or say 'whatever' when I ask them to not smoke in my backyard or act like I'm being a prima-donna.  Don't I have a certain right to be a prima-donna when we've worked so hard for this? I don't have the privilege of taking it for granted or lightly! I know all the things that go wrong...that's what happens when you stay on a journey for too long. You learn all of the bad things that you would never have learned if it had been a smooth quick trip.

Sorry to ramble for so long, but I feel like this is the only place in my life that I can truly be myself and everyone truly understands my situation.  (Even my mother-in-law poked fun when I said that I was "9 weeks and 2 days"...of course, I'm counting every single second and day of this...don't I have that right?)

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212720 tn?1304375415
by Quinns momma, Jul 07, 2009
Good luck tomorrow. I know everything is going to be just fine.  I go on the 16th for another ultrasound and like you stress out that something will have gone wrong.  
I also bought some maternity clothes. :)   I have started to show already so I am hopeful the little bug is growing nicely.

Take time for yourself and tell your neighbor you have some private issues u are dealing with and you need your space. :)

Tell your MIL to kiss your pregnant butt. I also throw in the weeks and days I am when asked how far along I am.  It is something to be proud of and an accomplishment. No one should poke fun at you.

hugs,
Kelly

924332 tn?1284573918
by Princessa745, Jul 07, 2009
Don't feel bad at all!! Everyone should be more sensitive and catering to you not the other way around. Good luck tomorrow and keep us posted.

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