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I wish today was tomorrow

Jul 07, 2009 - 0 comments

I get so anxious thinking about tomorrow. I am trying so hard to imagine it all going wonderfully and seeing (maybe even hearing) the beautiful heartbeat...and then BAM! That fast, a thought of something bad happening enters my mind...almost before I even realize it's there.  I know that everything is probably fine and I'm going to be so relieved and probably even think that I am an idiot for being so nervous.

But I am nervous. I feel crampy and I start to wonder. I don't feel twinges and I start to wonder. I have a burst of energy and I start to wonder.

I bought some maternity clothes yesterday and I thought I was going to have a full-blown panic attack when I was finished. All I kept thinking about was the first time I bought some clothes and then lost the baby a few weeks later.

My neighbor just broke down on my porch and said that I am being distant and did she do something wrong and I couldn't even console her. I just got mad.  I'm tired of being the strong one to her neediness. Can't she see that I am being a bit selfish and needy right now? I have a lot on my plate and just don't feel like there's anything left of me to go around.

Then I pray that God won't punish me for being un-Christianlike. But where is the line in the sand for being a rug to someone?

I tried to tell her that sometimes the way she acts stresses me out.  It's just easier for me to stay away from everyone when I'm so moody/nauseauted/sensitive then to see people roll their eyes at me or say 'whatever' when I ask them to not smoke in my backyard or act like I'm being a prima-donna.  Don't I have a certain right to be a prima-donna when we've worked so hard for this? I don't have the privilege of taking it for granted or lightly! I know all the things that go wrong...that's what happens when you stay on a journey for too long. You learn all of the bad things that you would never have learned if it had been a smooth quick trip.

Sorry to ramble for so long, but I feel like this is the only place in my life that I can truly be myself and everyone truly understands my situation.  (Even my mother-in-law poked fun when I said that I was "9 weeks and 2 days"...of course, I'm counting every single second and day of this...don't I have that right?)

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