Jul 10, 2009
Ah the joys of limbo land. If it were just little pain in the butt things, I wouldn't be so set on finding out what is wrong with me. But..... through the course of the last 4 years things have changed a lot for me. The years before that were come and go things and I guess that is why I never really thought much of it. Sort of like well it went away so I'm okay.
Now though, gone are the days of feeling good. Tired, oy, daily. For the life of me, I honestly can't remember when the last time I woke up in the morning feeling great and ready to start the day. Somewhere, somehow, someone turned me in a zombie. Yup that's me, the walking dead. lol Where a couple of years ago I was still getting good days without the fatigue, now it's a daily thing. Sure there are days where it's not so bad but it is always there, lurking.
I've been looking for my oomph high and low and alas it cannot be found. So if by chance someone is reading this, please if you find my oomph, return it. It is sorely missed.
Gone are the days of no spasticity. For the most part, there is no pain other than the days when the spasms kick in but the one upper thigh is always spastic so I get to walk with a gimp. Gimpy, yup that's me.
Gone are the days of freedom, the freedom to choose what I want to do and when. Now I have to factor in the weather, how I'm feeling that day, wait on decisions to see how I'm going to be feeling etc. It's so amazing how I took that for granted when I felt good. Now I would give anything to be able to have the freedom to choose again. No longer can I just go for a walk on my own as I never know what my legs are going to be up to and if I can't make it home again then I have to make sure hubby is around to come get me. Wouldn't I look so cute stuck in the bush because I couldn't make it back.
What I find so frustrating is that there is no name for what ails me. Sure, the suspicion is there but no diagnosis yet. Gone are the days of going to the doc saying this is what my symptoms are and him saying oh, this is what you have. Ah the good old days when everything made sense.
Why did I write this? Well, I'm not quite sure myself. I think partly because I have an upcoming MS appointment with another new neuro and am worried that once again, I will remain in limbo land. Hmmm, apparently gone are the days of optimism. lol The other is that I've been feeling this way for quite some time and it has gotten me down. I thought perhaps writing it and getting it out might make me feel better. Hmmm maybe the optimism isn't quite gone yet.
Then again, gone are the days.........