All Journal Entries Journals
Previous | Next

Anxiety disorder - am I disabled or am I capable of anything?

Apr 05, 2014 - 2 comments

I question this everyday. I have had therapy, I've tried various medications, but still I cry everyday, I have severe insomnia and probably my worst symptom- my concentration is terrible! As soon as I get anxious, the negative thoughts get worse which fuel the concentration problems and it's a constant cycle. I struggle daily, i cry daily. I have a good doctor, I have a good psychiatrist, but still nothing seems to be working. I'm only 24 and have been struggling probably since I was 8. So as I am hoping someone reads this, here is the dilemma to my life:

I am so motivated. I want to change the world. I've wanted to run for government. I've wanted to be a lawyer. Right now I have the opportunity for a job of a lifetime that will change my life. BUT

1. I am currently on disability, receiving disability checks
2. I haven't worked in a few years
3. I got a job in the government with benefits, a salary of potentially 100k annually but the Manager says people with Mental Health issues really can't handle this type of job.

I've always felt like I was 2 people. 1 side of me is capable of doing anything in the world and gives myself encouragement. But this person is daily overpowered by a second person, one who knows my anxiety/depression is crippling and that I shouldn't work. I shouldn't aspire for what I want in life and that I am disabled.

Which person will win in the end? I'm afraid it's the latter. But the former girl is very strong hearted. She won't give up without a fight. And I won't give up this job without giving it my all. I wish I had some meds that worked, but they don't. All I have is myself daily, telling myself to stop being jealous of others in my training that are doing so well! I am doing well too!! But I am shy, timid and slower to learn then everyone. What if I can't handle this job? To tell you the truth it's a police officer type job. What if i freeze in a situation that requires me to act. It's true, people with mental illness probably shouldn't take this type of job. But why am I being discriminated again. Maybe I can stop myself from freezing up by reminding myself that I am capable and that I can do this.

I don't know, i really don't know. Is there an answer, is anyone even going to read this. I hope so. I would like to hear some objective opinions. I honestly think any job would be hard for me. But I do believe anyone can do any job with the right training. I've passed the first part of my training. I thought I would freeze during the practical component, but i actually did well. The 2nd part of training is going to be much harder, I'm afraid. Should I keep with it and know that at the end of the day at least i tried? Should I quit, oh ive been so close to quitting. I can put on a hard face at training, but they don't know when i go to my car and cry. One instructor has caught me crying, I need to pull it together.

Post a Comment
585414 tn?1288944902
by ILADVOCATE, Apr 06, 2014
It would be worthwhile to continue with the training and see what happens from there. You can
discuss any specific concerns you have about the job with your psychiatrist
and see what you might or might not be able to do. Once the job training is complete
if there is any area of the work that would create concerns or difficulties for you
you could declare a reasonable accommodation (you can look this up
as a term within the Americans with Disabilities Act) as long as it would not interfere with the essential function of the work.
You can think over what potential accommodations might work for you and discuss
this with your psychiatrist.
  They cannot discriminate against your disability under the ADA.
However it would depend on whether it does specifically affect your ability to do the work
and if it might effect aspects of it you can see what accommodations might enable
you to achieve this.

189897 tn?1441130118
by Sandman2, Sep 26, 2016
  I responded to your journal entries via regular forum post.   How long have you been on the amitriptyline?

Post a Comment