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Losing Steam

Apr 06, 2014 - 0 comments

I feel as though I have finally lost all steam for school.  I have two tests over the next two days... and I have already decided to miss both of them.  One is in a class that I can definitely come back from- I get to drop the lowest test grade and will have all the final exam questions before I take it.

The other class, I hate.  It's tax accounting.  By far the most annoying class I have taken lately.  You have to answer about 8 questions with around 10 sentences daily for homework.  Then about ten days of that is on the test.  We are forced to write out a huge paragraph that is basically an exact quote from the book.  If that isn't enough-- the professor grades based on other people's answers.  So, if people answered it with more details, you are not going to get the full points. I thought I would receive a 0 if I missed the last exam-- which is not true.  Reviewing the syllabus, it says that you can't make up a test.  I assume that the final replaces the grade or you have that one test removed from the overall possible points.  I'm ready to be done with this class.  Having three random paragraphs to quote out of 50-75 is next to impossible.  Then, you have 25 T/F questions from the text.  Not definitions or from the long answer problems-- just random bits from the text.  So, you have to have about 100 pages memorized of tax accounting.  I have never been asked to know so much of something so boring.

I hate that class-  the teacher is a jerk.  You lose attendance points the first time you miss class.  So, missing three times means that you get a 90 as attendance grade.  I just hate his class.  The test is Tuesday, and I still know I'm not going to have time to study for it.  Even if I studied for 30 hours straight, I would only be able to maybe get a B.  I just hate this class.  I know the final is cumulative too, with different long answer questions.  I just dread this class.  I would rather take two other accounting classes other than this one.  The end of this weekend has me feeling pretty depressed and upset.  I wanted to start studying last Friday -  but got caught up at my parent's house shoveling compost for my garden.  Then, last night-- I had a friend over to grill.

This is a girl I used to hook up with.  I knew she still kinda liked me, but I thought we could remain just friends.  For some reason, I ended up wanting to cuddle with her, so we sorta did a little bit watching Tv.  Fortunately, I had taken a sleeping pill and started to get really tired before anything happened.  I had originally broken things off because I was getting distracted from school by spending every day with her.  She's not my type of girlfriend-- but we have a lot of similar interests, taste in music, and philosophies.  She does drink alcohol and use drugs though.  I used to thing she would go wayyy overboard.  Also, she sometimes smokes ciggs, which is a total turn off for me.  Ew.  I feel weird having let her on, but I keep reminding myself it is better than having sex selfishly and then rejecting her.  I really know I can do better, but I just feel lonely.  I am really a person who has only had one serious relationship in my entire life about 8 years ago.  Now, 28-- I haven't had a 'girlfriend' in so long.  I used to just have random random hookups.  Having sex immediately after meeting someone.  It was always so strange.  Now, I just feel so blah about my life.  I don't want to have those embarrassing hookups with girls who are not right for me.  I just feel so alone.

There is a girl in one of my non-major classes who is very attractive and kinda my buddy in class.  It's a large lecture class, and we sit beside each other.  She just turned 23.  It was weird because she asked how old I was (I had already suspected she might like me) and immediately played with her hair when I told her I was 28.  We had already kind of agreed we were older than the classmates and kind of out of place at the school.  Every day we chat before class and kind of help each other out with notes and stuff.  She's super attractive actually.  I had an epiphany at the beginning of the semester-- that I wouldn't have sex again till I was married... I wouldn't get involved with someone unless there was a good chance it could go in that direction.  This girl is kinda like I was a few years ago, but a better version.  She is taking her time with school, doesn't really know where she is headed.  Lives locally with her parents, who must be pretty well off-- since she drives a slightly beat-up BMW and says it's crappy.  She doesn't really strike me as materialistic though.  I do have a crush on her.  I thought she might feel the same way about me.  We always ask each other what they are doing for the weekend and stuff.  I know she drinks and stuff though-- have not mentioned my sobriety to her, yet made reference to 'back when' type of stuff.  I think I really started liking her because she offered to drive me from her paid parking spot over to my off-campus parking spot when I was on crutches.  It was definitely a regular thing, probably about 10 times.  Now, she usually offers me a ride only about a quarter of a mile to the edge of campus.  I told her I would have to buy her coffee for taking me over there so much.  I don't know-- I really wanted to just do that or give her a gift card to do so...  It would be nice if she said, 'yeah, let's have coffee'... but she hasn't.  I've held back all semester because we sit beside each other and I feel like making any advances could really weird out things.  I just see a lot of indicators she kinda likes me a little bit, but she seems out of my league.  For example, once I emailed her some notes and said if you need more info, contact me by phone.  She seems reluctant to just take a pic of a paragraph of notes and text it to me.  Somehow, I feel like I'd have to ask for her number-- and she might be afraid I would be pushing on her with random texts and stuff.  If it were any other girl in another class, I would have just immediately asked for her number for school (and not thought about it).  Things are weird... I think she would be a good person to have a long-term relationship with, and she actually seems to think I am a good person.  She just doesn't really respond to me much outside of class.  For example, once I asked what she was doing for the weekend in an email about notes-- she never replied.  I think girls that are really into me just answer stuff right away and always acknowledge I asked them something-- but they are always like 8 years younger than me.  Today, for our notes for this test I am about to skip, she just sent me the ones I needed without any other message.  I just replied with all the notes and livescribe (smartpen) recordings and said, "let me know if this doesn't cover it".  So, she replied with this:

"Did you by chance take the quiz? I thought it was opened till tonight at 5pm but it's not! If you can send me the questions that would be great. Thanks! Hope you had a good weekend :)"

So, I just replied with the quiz answers and nothing else.

It seems like I act really natural around her when I just say to myself, "She's not going to be your wife, because she isn't really fitting your criteria of a conservative Christian girl thus far."  But now, instead of liking her like 5% of the time and not thinking about what she thinks of me- it is more ike 50% of the time.  It would have been much easier if I drank to just invite her to an easygoing bar day.  I know she likes to drink (goes to beer-festivals) and sports.  One day, haha, she asked me if I liked watching basketball since she was about to go watch the Duke game.  I just said, "Nah". Now, it's kinda funny like she might have been trying to get me to like the same thing as her in order for her to ask me to hang out with her buddies and her.  That's really not realistic though... I'm glad I was just honest and not trying to be someone else.  She knows im kinda a mix of skater-type and professional accountant type.  I don't know-- just a sick *** gymnist girl in my class that I wish I could date.  I have resisted to urge to talk about her to anyone or Facebook stalk her or something.  I think I didn't want to admit my crush or to see her lifestyle that I suspect would make me feel like I am insufficient to be a part of.  It is definitely making me look forward to that class, but she and I are a little less flirty as things continue.  It's almost like I missed my chance.  I told her I was going to go to my grandparents and then garden when she asked me what I was doing for the weekend.  Maybe that hinted I really don't live the party life.  A typical answer from a local person would have been, "Ah, I can't go out this weekend- I am so bummed."  I would never want to jeopardize my sobriety for this girl (or any other for that matter), but I have a hard time with the self-esteem issue involved with it.  I used to have 'party-boy' as my backup alter-ego.  If my substance-based antics weren't enough for someone, I pushed the substance usage beyond the point of caring.  It felt like a win-win... I guess for the moment it is (with relation to emotions).  It was like saying, "I'm going to take the pain of being a person away and then be numb to whatever happens to me."  It was an easier life to live.  Yeah, it got me in some relationships and definitely tons of randomo hookups.  But-- the one or maybe two I felt were good enough to love always left me before that point.  I wonder if they saw my contentedness to just be alone with substances and stuck in the apartment with weed/booze whenever I wasn't partying.  It was never 'what?'... it was 'with what?'.  If I didn't have alcohol or at the very least weed to go on a road-trip, I was miserable.  I never took girls out anywhere really once in a relationship.  That was something I always did when I was trying to convince a girl I was worth dating.  I now just avoid that type of behavior altogether after feeling like I was burned so many times in the latter's process.  I think I just wanted someone who was just as messed up as me, just for me.  I usually find the girls who are alcoholic (probably) just ended up being unreliable, unromantic, and not very thoughtful.  Maybe that is how girls saw me.  I didn't want to go to the movie theater, so we never went to the movie theater.  I never wanted to go out for dinner, so I would occasionally cook here.  Cooking for a girl is a nice thing to do, but when it was because you were a cheap ******* who didn't want his wallet to hurt if his heart did-- it is kinda harsh.  I think a girl likes to be acknowledged as someone you want to be in public with.  Maybe I was used a lot, so always felt like doing something like that was me being used.  I would give unlimited drugs and alcohol to them, because I felt like I was at least getting a return on my investment in the process (good times and substance-fueled unconditional acceptance of me).  Maybe that is why people are afraid to be around others who do not drink.  There is no buffer if they make the mistake of saying something offensive.  The person drinking has to worry about the repercussions of being wrong in statement or action.  They want others to accept them.  The warmth and comradery the alcohol generally instills crowds of drunken people.  It may be a passageway to meeting a girl at a bar, or making new friends a party.  It might be a way to get closer to a classmate that you want to show your truer self to (outside of class you).  For meeting a girl at the bar or meeting new friends-- it is rare that those really lead to anything of substantial value.  You will always remember them from that moment you met them.  For example, the girl I hung out with last night-- I met her on corner block of some bars and made out with her within about 20 seconds of meeting her.  She was blacked out on xanax and alcohol and said, "Ill have to take you back home" or something like that. She, underage, was drinking a beer blatantly out in public around numerous police officers.  She didn't remember who I was, but I put my number and "skate god" in her phone so she would be interested after I texted her the next day.  I have always told her I just met her when I was skating around downtown (which is true).  I could never really be in a relationship with someone who is that loose, because after getting to know her it is pretty apparent she is.  Maybe that is how it happens.  You meet a girl and you are buzzed-- she is buzzed.  You both really like each other and connect.  You start hanging out, watching favorite tv shows together, etc.  Then, you keep using the alcohol and drugs to connect, because it feels so real and uninhibited.  We allow ourselves to be numb to offense, both given and received.  We just take in the good with the bad.  We say, "Well, it's okay-- because I am drunk enough to not care."  I am tired of that.  Ignorance truly is bliss.  It is also ignorance.  I would never want that to be my introduction to a really meaningful relationship.  "We continued to get drunk together and got to know one another."  Usually I try to restrict her drug and alcohol abuse to just around me.  I forget that I am dealing with a person who has their own agenda-- that may or may not always involve me.

I am glad my psychologist said it was good to write in my journal.  I do feel a lot better about today.  Focusing and writing about another problem makes me realize that I do not have to feel guilty about the other.  I really should have missed the first Tax test I made a 68 on.  I made the mistake of waiting till the last minute to study.  I made the same mistake the past few days.  Big deal-- this time I am being smart about dealing with it.  I can't do this forever- but I have 30 more days of schools and exams for my undergrad.  I know I am going to ace my final in Comm.  Failing this exam would not be such a bad thing.  I was even thinking of asking the girl I liked to transcribe the audio recordings of the tests with me .  I secretly took them while we reviewed the tests question by questions (not so ethical-- but I really don't care on this one).

But yeah, I have a high A in international accounting.  I am one point from an A- in auditing.  I still have an 85 in Tax.  I have an A- in this communications public speaking class.   These are some of the highest grades I have gotten in college.  I have never made more than three B's in accounting classes.  Stressing about Tax to the point I might just give up is pointless.  I will have to retake one class (and it won't have to be Tax) to get into grad school.  Big deal.  I am enjoying my last semester much more without freaking out about this one stupid class.  The teacher is only very serious when he is grading assignments.  Why should I freak out about a professor who doesn't even teach the correct answers in his lecture class?  So, I can't read an entire tax book and memorize the whole thing.  Big deal.  No one in the accounting program wants to do it, or can.  There would be less than a 1% chance someone outside of the accounting program would be interested in doing that.

I've been doing woodworking and garden stuff lately.  Big whoop.  It makes me happy.  I get to talk to people when I go the garden.  I have tangible proof of my sobriety making my life better every time I build something new.  I have something interesting to talk about every time someone asks me about what I like to do now.  I almost always display more advancing craftsmanship every time I build something new.  My relationships with people are not volatile lately.  I have learned to get along with and like others instead of walling up and trying to secretly attack them.  I've been riding the stationary bike almost daily-- I'm feeling good about small aspects of my health.  I am seeing my legs on their way to geing more strength and mass than before my accident.  I am making some physical goals possible, such as working on my diet and cardio (while not obsessing on what I don't have-- even if I'm upset that I feel some of goals aren't achievable).  I have a good relationship with all of my family members, from the bottom to the top (grandparents).  I make much more sensible decisions.  The amount I avoid dealing with problems is about 20% of what it used to be.  I make progress over perfection my goal.  I help people without stretching myself too thin and becoming resentful, angry, or hostile.  I make my own goals my top priority.

Things most important to me:

Spiritual health
Physical health
Sense of satisfaction from life
Positive relationships with family and friends
Telling others how I feel
Doing so in healthy ways
Long-term financial success

So, I am not going to do much or any tangible schoolwork tonight.  I am going to go to the school and stationary bike for 45 minutes.  I'll avoid thinking about the negative things in my life the entire time I bike.  I left a bunch of food out for about 24 hours.  I'm not going to force myself to eat it.  It is probably a 3 dollar loss to me.  Big deal.  It's okay.  Better than getting sick from it.  I avoided a major mistake of sleeping with someone last night.  I didn't start something I didn't want to start.  If I am not going to do my top priority, I am going to do things that make me feel better about myself-- and not call them wastes of time.  If I watch TV all day, I watch TV all day.  I am getting through a rough time without adding to the destruction (drugs and alcohol included).  I deserve more 'me' time, even if everything else in my life isn't perfect.  I am not using other people in any way.  I am not hurting anyone's feelings.  I am allowing others to know I am upset, and not keeping everything internalized.  I'm not trying to look perfect to the world.  I know my life isn't exactly perfect, but it is still close for me.  That is good enough for me right now.  It will always be.  I am getting through a rough valley in the best way I know possible right now.  I'm using as many of the positive tools as I am able to right now-- even if they don't appear to be much.

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