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Yet Another BFN...

Jul 14, 2009 - 9 comments

Oh, I'm in tears...
It's been almost 2 years. 2 very long years.  

His name was Aidan. Aidan Michael. And we think of him and miss him each and every day.

We chose not to see him. We thought it would be too difficult for us. We had the option but decided against it. We also had the option of burying him but didn't feel we needed to.  I sometimes I wonder where his body went.  

Sorry for being so grim. It just hurts, you know?  

I think he was the length of my hand up to my wrist. I found a little doll at the dollar store  recently that was that size, but with much more girth, and I held it in my hand. I even took a picture of it with my iPhone. I just still want to feel connected to him. I miss him more and more every time I get a BFN and AF.

A day doesn't go by when I don't think of my son and ache for him.

It's amazing to love someone so much and you never even laid eyes on them. Or held them in your arms. I never got to press my lips against his tiny warm cheek and tell him Mommy loves him and will always be here for him.

I can only tell him in my thoughts and through the memory of my 20 week old belly and that he lived inside my body for all that time and it was the happiest time of my life. And then it was all ripped away. He was taken from me. My tiny son. My boy. It was the worst day of my life.

And it still hurts. A lot less, but I still feel the pain and the love all at the same time.

Every single day.

But I keep going on because I have to.

It'll happen for us. One day it will. And it will be the new happiest day of my life. And it will be amazing. And my life will feel complete.  

~Sue

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Avatar universal
by amy0013, Jul 16, 2009
Sue my heart breaks for you.  You have experienced a pain and grief that no one should have to endure.  You are one of the strongest people I have ever met.  You will continue to be in my thoughts and prayers!!  {{{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}}}}

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by lonewolf07, Jul 16, 2009
You wrote:  "I never got to press my lips against his tiny warm cheek and tell him Mommy loves him and will always be here for him."  You never did get to do those things but he knows - he knows how you much you wanted to hold him and love him.  It isn't much comfort but his spirit will always be with you.

I'm so sorry for your loss.



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by peggy64, Jul 16, 2009
I am so sorry for your loss and for the pain you are experiencing.

From what I've read, and heard, you have to go through the stages of grief, and it sounds like you are stuck and can't move on. Maybe a grief counselor could help you. I sure do hope you get to feeling better emotionally....

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by ZevasMom, Jul 22, 2009
I don't have the words to express my feelings... Know that I love you, my cyber sister, and I am praying for a BFP for you - EVERYDAY!

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by Linzola1, Jul 22, 2009
I am so sorry youhad to expierance this,,, He is with the Lord now and is looking over you daily. He sees the pain and how much you love him. I will pray you get a BFP very soon.... Likepeggy said you may want to look into seeinga grief councler! God Bless

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by margypops, Jul 22, 2009
I am so sorry, it takes along time then one day it feels better and you find you have accepted your loss, you will be able to think of him in a differant positive light as he will always be there when you want ,in your mind, it is right you are still feeling this grief maybe coming here will help, you are vicing your feelings , I think you are at the begining of acceptance. Good Luck, keep on talking about him, he's always going to be around you.

Avatar universal
by nannie1979, Jul 22, 2009
It has been 18 years since I miscarried at almost 16 weeks, and I too did not get to see my angel.  I totally understand your grief.  It does get better though for me it has still not gone away.  Every March 25th (the day it happened) it comes back full force.  You can get through this, and I am sure you will one day have a baby to hold, cherish and love in your arms.

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by Maddiesmom0801, Aug 06, 2009
Sue I understand totally.  I wish I didn't know how you feel, but I too feel these very same thoughts that you are sharing about my dear daughter Madison Brianna who passed away at 24 wks and 2 days gestation.  However, me and dh did choose to see her, get pictures of her and bury her. We keep her footprints and hand print framed and in our family room. It hurts still but like you said not as much as it did initially.  I pray that we both will have children in the near future...healthy children; however, welcoming a new child we know will never replace the void we both have for our firstborn.  Stay optimistic Sweetie and keep on trying.   We will be mothers soon.  Keep telling yourself this.  I have no doubt in my mind that I will be a mother and my darling husband will be an awesome father.  You are in my prayers.
-Ungelica

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by DMarie919, Aug 06, 2009
Sue I am almost in tears with you. :(  I can imagine how you feel and how your heart must ache.  I was only 8 weeks when I miscarried but I still have that pain in my heart.  My frustration is not knowing if my baby was a boy or a girl because i do wish we could have named him/her....I had to have a d&c....  We are almost at 6 months since the miscarriage and not a day goes by that I dont think about it.  Thanks for sharing your story and best wishes to you.  We will get our miracle babies sometime soon and then our angel babies will be looking over their siblings with constant care :)  

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