Jul 14, 2009
Oh, I'm in tears...
It's been almost 2 years. 2 very long years.
His name was Aidan. Aidan Michael. And we think of him and miss him each and every day.
We chose not to see him. We thought it would be too difficult for us. We had the option but decided against it. We also had the option of burying him but didn't feel we needed to. I sometimes I wonder where his body went.
Sorry for being so grim. It just hurts, you know?
I think he was the length of my hand up to my wrist. I found a little doll at the dollar store recently that was that size, but with much more girth, and I held it in my hand. I even took a picture of it with my iPhone. I just still want to feel connected to him. I miss him more and more every time I get a BFN and AF.
A day doesn't go by when I don't think of my son and ache for him.
It's amazing to love someone so much and you never even laid eyes on them. Or held them in your arms. I never got to press my lips against his tiny warm cheek and tell him Mommy loves him and will always be here for him.
I can only tell him in my thoughts and through the memory of my 20 week old belly and that he lived inside my body for all that time and it was the happiest time of my life. And then it was all ripped away. He was taken from me. My tiny son. My boy. It was the worst day of my life.
And it still hurts. A lot less, but I still feel the pain and the love all at the same time.
Every single day.
But I keep going on because I have to.
It'll happen for us. One day it will. And it will be the new happiest day of my life. And it will be amazing. And my life will feel complete.