Jul 17, 2009
Please take care of yourself as you read - contains very triggering content!!!
First... I am not one who believes GOD allowed my abuse (or any other person's abuse) so that I would be able to help others. I do not feel I could serve a "God" such as that... because if GOD could allow something, He could just as easily dis-allow it! For Him to allow the abuse of a child, would make Him an accomplice & a child abuser!
The truth is, that we were all born into a fallen, sin-filled world... & sin separates us from GOD. GOD does not override anyone's will... & as a result of man's fallen nature, evil things happen, such as death & abuse. But GOD speaks; He calls; He draws us; He loves! And when we come to the place where we are willing to give our lives & our pain to Him (an act of our will, given by a sovereign GOD) ...He will take what the enemy meant for our destruction & turn it for our good, for the good of others, & for His glory!
"For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the LORD, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end [a future and a hope]."
I was born/raised in a severely abusive environment, into a form of generational abuse known as SRA (satanic ritual abuse) & so my upbringing was not ideal. Interestingly, I had family members who were "Christians" ...you know, they appeared to be Christians, & yet, they had a dark side (abusive, mean, angry, hateful). It's like a drunk person, when they aren't drunk they might be very kind, even-tempered, & you wouldn't believe how mean & violent they could be when they are drunk!(?)
Well, that is how my "Christian" family members were. So I was exposed to "Christianity" at times... mostly indoctrination (an angry/mean "God" & racism, sad to say) ...but a couple of them did listen to gospel music on Sunday mornings, & I remember that those songs brought comfort "for some reason" even though I didn't know who GOD or Jesus really were! I mostly only heard their names taken in vain. I had NO CLUE who GOD or JESUS was!
I first remember attending a Christian church when I was age 6. A local pastor & his wife would come pick us up (me, my older sis, younger bro, & our mom) for SS each week. I think that went on about 2 or 3 months, not sure. But, a very important thing happened - a seed was planted! My older sis (about age 8) had a SS memory verse, & she repeated it over & over, so many times, that I remembered it!
"Behold, I stand at the door & knock; & if any man hear my voice & open the door, I will come in to him, & will sup with him, & he with me." (Rev 3:20)
We didn't attend long, but the seed was planted, even tho I did not know much of anything... satan tried very hard to snatch the seed away from my heart through abuse, & very dark times! We moved to another town, & the abuse continued.
Some years were missing (till recently) due to the abuse (DID, formerly called MPD). Some are still missing, but gaps are filling in here & there. I remember at age 10, "waking up" to find that I could not remember the previous 3 years! I remember the place I was standing, looking around trying to remember. Although I knew I was older, I could not remember the events that got me to that point, from when I remembered age 7 living in another house/town.
I awoke at that time, to severe & extreme mental/emotional & spiritual torment! I had severe depression, severe anger, & believed "God" was my abuser/tormentor/torturer! I saw mental pictures of "God" torturing me & laughing at my pain... & I was in anguish & wondered why He did not help me... then, oh! (thinks) It must be that I am so evil that I deserve this! Since "GOD is good" & He isn't helping me ...that must mean that I am BAD!!
But I still saw Him as my abuser. (It was not safe to consciously know what our reality was. I took on the abuse as my identity, even erasing most of that info from my conscious mind = not safe to know! So instead of being angry at my abusers, my mind did not "know" or acknowledge their existence... & I took on the identity of what was done to me. My parents & the others were good & I was the bad one; I was the tainted one; I was the invisible one; I was dirty, doomed, unlovable, un-savable! It took me till the age of 14 to allow the faint memories of sexual abuse to surface in a sort of foggy way. Even though it was a daily occurrence, my mind had effectively erased most of it from consciousness, so that I could survive!)
(Note: Seeing "God" as both "good" & also "bad" is duplicity. Cults & mind control groups know how to program minds of their victims to think this way... like serving Jekyll & Hyde as "God." You never know when he would turn on you & hurt you ...& you deserved what you got!)
Though age 10 was a time of severe turmoil, it was also a time of awakening! I cannot explain how this could be, but JESUS would talk to me ...I'd be walking down the streets in my short-shorts, hearing JESUS calling to me! He would tell me of His love for me! He'd tell me I was in sin, & living that way was not good for me (never condemning, always loving, kind, & gentle!). I'd tell Him no, though ...maybe I'd serve Him later! But He was persistent... patient! He sought me out!
One Sunday morning, when I was age 10, we attended a local church (Assembly of GOD) & the pastor's daughter was our teacher. She asked if there was anyone there who wasn't saved. (Saved?!?) I thought to myself... "I don't know what saved means, but whatever it is, I know I'm not!!" So I shyly raised my hand... & she led me in a prayer to accept Christ. But I had NO idea what I was saying or what it meant! I was still lost!
When we were out in the main service, she got up to sing & testified, with tears, that she had a Sunday School student get "saved" ....I was soooo embarrassed! My face turned red & hot, & I sunk down in my pew thinking to myself, "Lady, whatever you do, please do not mention my name!" (And she didn't, lol.) But that, too, was a seed planted! We did not attend regularly... maybe once every 3 or 4 months(??) I really do not remember anything significant about those times.
Time went on, & for 3 years, Jesus called to me, & for 3 years, I turned Him away! But one Sunday morning, in that same church, at the age of 13, I felt GOD's love so strongly I could no longer tell Him no!
My mom had gone to the altar & people were praying; she was weeping. Two sisters (literally, they were sisters in their 20's) looked over & saw my sister & I were crying & came to pray with us. (We were concerned b/c our mom was "upset" ...did not understand exactly what was happening, but somehow we knew it was a HUGE turning point for her!)
I don't remember any special words, or what was preached, what was sung that morning, but I DO remember the power of GOD that touched my mind, heart, & soul that morning!! I was filled with His Holy Spirit - wow!! It was radical change! GOD instantly delivered me from several major strongholds! I went home & witnessed to my dad (who never went to church with us).
We all witnessed to him. My lil brother (then, age 9) was saved as well. But soon, within about 6 months, I was the only one left still actively serving GOD. Things were too hard - I don't know. As I got older, I found out that my dad would tell my mom, "Either you stay home, or she stays home!" I had to stay home sometimes, but soon, my mom opted to stay so I could go, & it simply became too much for her.
I faced many many spiritual attacks... literally, physically being attacked by demonic spirits that filled our home! Mental/spiritual battles too many to count! BUT, GOD kept me!! He & I spent many hours in communion.. in my bedroom, as a baby Christian... it was JESUS, me, my Bible, my gospel music... & I'd spend hour upon hour in prayer, Bible study, & writing words to the many gospel songs I had recorded off the radio. My room was my safe place! Everyone knew my radio was only to be used for Christian music & preaching! ;) I was ridiculed & hated b/c of my stand... by my parents (mom had gone away from GOD) & extended family.
I've been in foster care... the same young woman who prayed with me to receive Christ, was my foster mom a year later, when I was age 14... but only for a few months, b/c my dad sent a note to school thru my sis telling me he loved me, & was going to church & wanted me home so we could go to church together as a family. I believed him... & asked the "charges be dropped" & I was allowed to go back home. He lied of course, & soon my dad & mom divorced. She still allowed him back though - many times! She even remarried him, only to discover he was also married to another woman - lol. (bigamy) He was jailed for that. She divorced him again some time later.
Anyway - my life has been anything BUT "normal." The abuse was perpetrated by both parents, as well as extended family members, neighbors, & strangers. I was born a multiple (trauma already introduced pre-birth in order to split the mind & make it more easily programmed to respond by cues) ...witnessed deaths (sacrifices & others) by age 3, taught sexual services by age 3, forced abortions, daily sexual abuse & molestation... insertion by body parts as well as objects. Rituals were absolutely horrific! Burials in coffins, & rape by entities in attempt to demonize & convince that we belonged to satan ("evil"). In fact, a name was given... "evil." (The young 3 y/o alter who held this memory was continually "locked away" into a "box" deep within a pit whose sides would cave in on her if she ever ceased to do her job of "knowing" she was "evil.") But True Jesus came & rescued her from the pit!
One day, about 2 years ago, our dear GOD-sent (counselor) friend prayed with this little one, & this little one chose to accept His help! He took her out of that pit - box & all, & placed it onto the ground... but she was still in the box! She was terrified to get out! What if she was "bad" again, and would be made to get back into the box? What if she couldn't be a good girl... after all, she WAS evil! ...wasn't she??
Again, our friend asked her if she wanted to allow True Jesus to help her get out of the box. She reluctantly agreed. So they asked True Jesus to help her... & He told her that she had to choose to get out of the box! Wow!! Could she??! She wanted to!! She decided she would try. Very timidly & cautiously, she placed one foot, & then the other, onto the ground. And an amazing thing happened! As soon as her feet were on the ground, True Jesus kicked the box & shattered it into a million pieces! She knew that they could never make her get into that box again! Our LORD is so amazing!!!
Well... the little one looked around & reported to our friend that she was outside, it was dark, & "all the people are gone." She said that she was in some grass, & there were trees in the distance (in her 3 y/o words, of course) ...& that there was something next to her ...but she wasn't going to look at it, because she already knew "it's only a tree stump." Our friend asked her if she wanted to look at it... she didn't want to, but decided she would look. She discovered that it wasn't a tree stump at all. She said it was "black, and flat... like a blanket... and something's under it."
She wondered what was under it, but did not want to look. But the LORD assured her He would be right there with her & would help her look. As soon as she moved the blanket & peeked under, it startled her, as she saw that it was herself under that blanket! She immediately began to relive the whole incident... sucked back into the body (memory), laying there on her back, as if she were dead, immobile. Her words... "I thought I was dead. I haf to lay here. [labored breathing] Bad stuff going in... very bad!! Don't like it! [more labored breathing, weak cries] I don't belong to me anymore... I belong to them! ...and he say I like it, but I don't!" (Raped, violated in every way, by evil!) :((
Just then, True Jesus stepped in & removed her from that horror! He held her... & she reported to our friend that... "I'm not outside anymore... safe now... warm. I see bright white... feathers, and gold around the edges." (She was being held by Daddy-GOD ...& she was seeing the back of Him... His wings & the gold around the edges of His wings! :)
From that point on, she chose a new name for herself... Good Girl. :) She is ever safe in His arms! And the LORD gave us a song soon after. We'd never heard it before, but He miraculously provided us a cassette tape at a store for $1 ...the last one like it! And on this tape, a song entitled, "Like a Blanket." (By the Ruppes, it is available @ CBD.com as a download for 99cents!)
This (& much much more) was my life ...but I can say that GOD has kept me, & He is healing me from my past, even now! I'm so very thankful to Him for His love & His keeping power!!
(As you can tell, I write ALLOT! Writing is a tool the LORD has given to help break silence when "talking" wasn't okay, or easy to do. Many times, I set out to write an email to my GOD-sent friend who prays with me, & it turns into a message from Him to me! He's amazing that way!!)
Anyone who wishes to know more about SRA, mind control, & DID/MPD may ask, & I will answer to the best of my ability. I believe this is a largely uncharted area of ministry, & that GOD desires to raise up people within the body of Christ who are willing to reach out to SRA & mind control survivors & multiples ...with His heart of love, & His wisdom & discernment.