Apr 29, 2014
Hello MH Friends:
I wanted to first say that I wanted to go back and answer forums, but for some reason I can't bring myself to do it. I feel some level of guilt over it, but then again, I feel that this is a time to recover and stay on track. I figure the best way for me to help right now while not putting my own recovery at risk is to write a journal about what I am going through so people can have information about what they may be looking forward to after their taper. The problem with me going back to answer forums posts at this point is that it puts me back there, and I need to stay in a good place. I don't know when I will be ready exactly, or if I will simply keep moving forward and leave that to others, but either way, I definitely want to stay away from things that pull me back to a painful place and time in my life. "Onward and Upward", as a friend of mine says.
Ok so day 24! It's truly a gift to be in this place right now. I won't lie and say it's all been perfect, but I see marked daily improvement . Improvement in mood, in sleep, and in energy. There is a learning curve, and it would be so wise to heed the advice of those who have been through this, and then tailor it to suit you as needed. I have a few pieces of advice of my own to offer that I have learned by trial and error and they are as follows:
1. Stay positive. Don't allow your mind to ponder thoughts like "I can't do this...it's too hard," or "What if this is the new me and I always feel this sense of emptiness, lacking, and physical pain" or "I can't do anything until I get better." Those fears and thoughts are valid in the sense that most in W/D feel them and we fear that we will never recover, but it just isn't true. You can and will get better, IF you take control over your recovery and do things which make you stronger. That doesn't mean that it won't take work, because it does, but you just have to remember that things that please momentarily aren't always the things that lead to the best outcome in the future. Things that take hard work and a process of building up are typically good in the long term.
I laid in bed last night, and tho I was wide awake, I just noted the change in my body and how nice it was to be able to lie there still and not so panicky...not so uncomfortable. This was the same feeling I would have lying in bed pre-opiate. I am returned to my normal self. It is possible and you should not talk yourself out of it because of the overwhelming fear that accompanies w/d. The suffering lasts a while but after true detoxification, the healing can begin but not before then. I have read that the peak of insomnia comes at 1 week after full detoxification and that was true in my case, but more like day 5-6. After that, as far as the physical stuff, it's all down hill. It becomes more mental and emotional at this point in terms of reaching for something that isn't there, feeling empty inside but not knowing how to fix it, and just being plain unmotivated.
The very best way, and in fact the only way, that I was able to fix this was through exercise. Getting started and out the door on that task is the hardest part when you already feel unmotivated. I had many many false starts on running and many times saying to myself "ok, I'm getting up now" and then saying it ten more times before I actually did. The thing is that I just had to tell myself "the only way to get better is to do this" and I wanted to get better really bad, so I went, and upon my return I always felt that sense of well being and happiness. It hasn't failed me yet.
One thing I do notice is that eating is a comfort thing after this w/d. When you wake in the night you may reach for it. When there is bad food around it becomes like a drug that calls to you constantly until you just say "ahhh screw it!" and dig right in. As far as junk food goes it's a HUGE "no,no" and will set you back. It just does and it's so tempting to think that we have done all of these things before and it didn't cause any issues, so that's not the real culprit now. Well as far as I am concerned it is. I notice a difference in my mood, in my energy, and especially in my gut when I eat junk food. Oh the digestive issues of going to the bathroom constantly morph into different kinds of digestive issues. Opiates paralyze your gut while on them, and then you have that massive release, and then a period of readjusting and relearning how to eat the right foods to avoid problems. I recommend avoiding refined sugar, processed foods, wheat products, and getting a good probiotic or even activia to restore your proper functions. Plenty of whole foods is really just the best way to go.
I had a rough day when my daughter had her birthday party because of all of the junk I ingested. It was a massive amount and it made me feel so terrible. I had to toss the rest of it bc it's just not healthy or good to have around. Our bodies need the proper nutrition to heal and from which to derive energy. Junk is junk regardless of whether it's food, drugs, or bad thoughts. It takes you down the wrong path, and you cannot heal properly if you dabble in junk. My advice is to stock up on healthy foods and alternative choices.
One thing I've had some trouble with is this feeling of rebelliousness. I can't figure out where it came from haha, but I wonder if this is common or just me? I mean, I don't know if it's a result of an arrested development at the onset of addiction or if I am just a rebellious chick at heart, but I notice it's surged up in me. A part of me thinks it is the result of years of suppressing things that have bothered me and not really allowing them to come into focus until now. Now I am pissed off about the past and some of the people in my past...things that went down that bothered me that I never said a word about.I never felt worthy enough to raise my concerns then, so it went under and got buried. I bit my tongue, but now it's bubbling up. While I love these people that I am referring to, I am angry at them as well...I love them very much in-fact, but it my anger is pretty intense and comes out in some nasty ways as a sort of backlash. Just putting that out there wondering if anyone has the experience or if it's normal. I have burned bridges, but they were very unhealthy relationships that I had no clue how to repair anyway, so I have no clue what to do about it. I will leave it be I suppose. It's just a hard situation when you love someone and yet you cannot seem to get past the past.
These things make you strong:
Positive self talk, moving forward through the days and staying on any tasks that you can manage, keeping your mind inspired and occupied with things that enrich your mental and emotional life, laughter, music, movies, social interaction. Eating healthy, possibly taking supplements to help until your body can reinstate it's natural processes bc opiates wreak havoc on SO many body and brain functions. Learning as much as you can about the situation you are in via reading and researching, taking action, always doing things that you know are good for you. Exercise! Getting out of the house and not getting strangled by the pain of it all.
These things make you weak:
Negative self talk, stagnation, negative social connections, any sort of junk that you put into your body and you KNOW it isn't good for you. This goes for drugs but especially food. Not learning, not taking action, not seeking things out which will improve your chances to succeed.
I've bored you all enough,
http://www.peak-health-now.com/addiction-recovery-diet-guidelines.html I like this link for the importance of diet
P.S. I wound up with some good grades this semester wooot! Just Portuguese whooped my arse!