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May 01, 2014 - 1 comments

uuuuggggg they are so bad today the worse and i have this plan in my head of what i will do it goes like this i will drop sub to 2mg for a day or two then not take it and i will already have the pills to i will take them first day and prob won't feel them then take some the next then the next and will feel them then now actually seeing that on paper looks really ridiculous it really does and I'm thinking that is a good thing I've said it before thank god I'm on suboxone cuz if i were to be able to get my hands on some pills i would of def of taken them suboxone stops you from being impulsive if i were to actually take the pills i would have to go thru a few days of waiting and that just seems ridiculous totally ridic so i thank god for them i don't even know why I'm craving  nothing has happened its all status quo been having on and off depression maybe thats it I'm not sure not liking it I'm sure of that i pray i won't go thru with my plan and i so wish i couldl go to meetings but donny doesn't know what I'm going thru and yea sounds stupid i haven't told him but he has this thing against pills and i just don't know how he will react he's going back to work soon so maybe ill be able to find a meeting somewhere  then but it just seems too weird that i have all this going on in my life and i haven't told him we are very close maybe i will tell him one day but not today i just can't i wish this disease wasn't so horrible cuz thatss exactly what it is horrible i kinda wanna tell my dad too but i feel as tho i would let him down big time he is a recovering heroin addict and alcoholic and crack smoker i know he gets it but idk just not ready to tell anyone just yet maybe one day i will be able to i sure hope so cuz i know it will feel so much better once i can let those close to me know about it sometimes i feel so ashamed and thats not me i never feel shame i never am embarrassed of who i am or what i do but for some reason i feel that way now if my family or hubby knew i just can't see my husband understanding i just can't there for i can't tell him I'm going to ask my therapist if she knows of a women's groupe that i can go to cuz think that might help me idk i just don't know i pray daily to god and the universe i sure hope they hear me i hope i have a good day

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by nursegirl6572, May 01, 2014
Sweetheart, you NEED need to tell your secret to one or two close people in your life, you'll feel SO much better.  Doing this alone is putting you at risk.  Just think of how many doors it will open if you tell?  You will be able to go to meetings, you'll be able to talk through these issues with someone.  If anything, at least start with your dad!  He of all people, with his history will understand and be a great resource person.  Of course you're scared, and you don't want to feel as though you let anyone down, but continuing to hide behind your secret, and risk relapsing is not something your loved ones would want for you, especially if it means that you wouldn't have relapsed if you had just confided in someone.  I know you're scared, but honey, it needs to happen.  

Hang in there!

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